How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Read the OP, she agreed to this plan before kids. As a 50+ Fed, getting more $$$ is unrealistic. Glad your DH is PW enough to hustle though, but it doesn't seem to improve your mood.

My husband is not PW and he is the one who wanted me to stay home and told me to. You leave being a fed. My husband would love an easy cushy job being a fed but he makes 2x as much being in private contracting so regardless of my income or employment status, it makes sense. Maybe you OP should care more about his family and stop being so lazy and get a higher paying job if they cannot live of his income and her part-time work. She is working! He probably isn't even willing to do 1/2 the stuff she does.

NP I love my husband and want to see him, so I'm glad to work full time and let him stay with the fed so we can both have balance in our lives.

My husband is a contractor. Makes much more than he would as a fed and works 40 hours a week.

But much less job security, that's why he makes more than a fed.

Its never been an issue getting a job. He watches the contracts and gets out before its an issues. I'll take money over job security as we have plenty saved just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

Why? I have two high schoolers now and we have dinner as a family almost every night. Why should I find a job that lets me get home at 3:30 instead of 5:30?

I'm home by 3:45. I like it b/c it gives me time to spend with my children. We can discuss their day, and I don't feel rushed when I make dinner. My kids are in upper ES and MS. So it's a little different, but even when they start HS, I'd prefer to be home earlier in the afternoons. They still need a lot of guidance as teens.

[Anonymous]

I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

[Anonymous]

Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

I was talking about the mental management load of deciding and signing up the kids, which so many 'house managers' lament

The nanny can be a perfectly good taxi just like you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

So it's okay to squander your kids college fund so you can Netflix and chill? Did you even read the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

So it's okay to squander your kids college fund so you can Netflix and chill? Did you even read the OP?

By that logic, everyone should be working 16 hours a day...for the college funds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

So it's okay to squander your kids college fund so you can Netflix and chill? Did you even read the OP?

Naps are better but I prefer Hulu usually and the cw app. Why does it mean kids do not have a college fund. We did a prepaid and now a 529. We will pay for college and gradute school, if we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

I was talking about the mental management load of deciding and signing up the kids, which so many 'house managers' lament

The nanny can be a perfectly good taxi just like you

A nanny can cost Moore than mom earns especially with a 3rd car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

Maybe your husband would like more leisure time as well, instead of shouldering all the responsibility of funding your leisure time?

You sound more and more irresponsible and selfish every time you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

This is the choice you are making. No one needs to have three activities for three kids at once. That lifestyle sounds insane to me but, you do you. I would want to stay home and relax once in a while.

To the op: You can't make your wife work more than she wants to work, unless you are her slave owner ( and even then) You have to deal with the hand you are dealt. Either you work harder/get another job, cut expenses or separate/divorce ( then you have two households and therefore more expensive)

Ask yourself this would you wife be able to get YOU to do something that you didn't want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

Um, okay. Pull up your big girl panties and show men that you can have a career and manage everything at home. Intimidates 'em

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

Why? I have two high schoolers now and we have dinner as a family almost every night. Why should I find a job that lets me get home at 3:30 instead of 5:30?

I'm home by 3:45. I like it b/c it gives me time to spend with my children. We can discuss their day, and I don't feel rushed when I make dinner. My kids are in upper ES and MS. So it's a little different, but even when they start HS, I'd prefer to be home earlier in the afternoons. They still need a lot of guidance as teens.

You can parent by phone too you know.