<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

What is stopping you, did you lose both hands in an accident?

+1000

Jerk off and get over it. You aren't entitled to sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Excellent approach. It has become all about the kids. It it really needs to be spouse/relationship first, kids second. They will be gone in 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Excellent approach. It has become all about the kids. It it really needs to be spouse/relationship first, kids second. They will be gone in 18 years.

Not really. Kids are permanent, relationships can come and go.

The modern idea of marriage is much more as a partnership for raising a child correctly, and much less centered around romantic love. And statistics show the switched focus, to being on the children, actually produces much better children- thereby securing your genetic future. Thus, a much smarter choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Excellent approach. It has become all about the kids. It it really needs to be spouse/relationship first, kids second. They will be gone in 18 years.

Not really. Kids are permanent, relationships can come and go.

The modern idea of marriage is much more as a partnership for raising a child correctly, and much less centered around romantic love. And statistics show the switched focus, to being on the children, actually produces much better children- thereby securing your genetic future. Thus, a much smarter choice.

Actually, it is the opposite. It is the kids first approach that leads to an unrealistic sense of entitlement and lower self esteem than a sink or swim approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Excellent approach. It has become all about the kids. It it really needs to be spouse/relationship first, kids second. They will be gone in 18 years.

Not really. Kids are permanent, relationships can come and go.

The modern idea of marriage is much more as a partnership for raising a child correctly, and much less centered around romantic love. And statistics show the switched focus, to being on the children, actually produces much better children- thereby securing your genetic future. Thus, a much smarter choice.

Jesus who messed you up? Why don't you go ahead and start a petition for a Gilead society?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

My DH wants perfect conditions - so I make sure that those perfect conditions happen...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

I can't speak for your wife. I can only speak for myself. I posted upthread about my DH's and my routine of him texting me when he's on the ground so that I can decompress and transition to a more intimate emotional space and less of a project management one. One thing that really kills the mood is the perceived expectation of sex in any situation. It's not sexy. It doesn't matter if you're hot as hell and rich as sin or you do a ton of work around the house. If you walk in expected to get laid, it's a turn off almost all the time. If your wife says that she needs a stronger emotional connection to you, then that's what she needs. I don't know what that means. Only she knows what it means. When you ask her, "How can we strengthen our emotional connection?" what does she say? Does that conversation happen in any context other than a "I put 50% of the housework, 6x your salary, and physical fitness into the woman vending machine and expect sex to come out" context?

My husband and I are actually in a fairly miserable dry patch at the moment. We had sex a week and a half ago and haven't since then. Before that, it had been another week and a half. We are usually 3-4x a week. I am gigantically pregnant and exhausted all the time. If we could have sex at 11am, I would be game, but by the time it's bed time, I'm just too wiped out. In the morning, there are too many other things going on and he's not really a morning sex person anyway. I don't feel like our overall intimacy level has decreased despite the lack of sex. We touch each other lovingly all the time, kiss each other often, express appreciation, attraction, etc. There is no expectation that those gestures will evolve into anything, though. For me, in times when I have felt resentful of a partner's sex drive, it has always been times when there is expectation.

If your wife will not communicate with you, that's not a good sign. I don't consider that to be a respectful partnership. I would wonder why she was not communicating - is it because she's embarrassed about what she wants? is it because she truly doesn't know what she wants? is it because the actual problem is something that she is embarrassed to communicate to you? does she have longstanding issues related to intimacy and communication?

This is SO long - are you this exhausting in real life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Excellent approach. It has become all about the kids. It it really needs to be spouse/relationship first, kids second. They will be gone in 18 years.

Not really. Kids are permanent, relationships can come and go.

The modern idea of marriage is much more as a partnership for raising a child correctly, and much less centered around romantic love. And statistics show the switched focus, to being on the children, actually produces much better children- thereby securing your genetic future. Thus, a much smarter choice.

Jesus who messed you up? Why don't you go ahead and start a petition for a Gilead society?

Actually it's the way of the future. Sorry, grandpa- this aint the 1930s anymore.
https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/02/how-to-save-marriage-in-america/283732/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife, and I can't imagine not having sex with my husband the first night I am home from a business trip. Time to push past that fatigue, lady. And we have been together over 20 years, so I'm neither young nor in a new marriage.

+1!!!

I'm 3 days into a 10 day trip and I will be all.over him when he comes home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

+ 1.
Sex is designed to be addictive if pleasurable. In fact sex is one of the most pleasurable things in the world and the urge bypasses good sense often enough so the species can propagate. Those who claim that they are having an orgasm every time but are not into sex are those people who have learned how to fake it very well. So the previous pp is probably lying on this anonymous internet forum. Her reason is in the bolded part of her statement. She wants sex but not with her husband. It is quite possible that she has no attraction left for her husband and also that she is not finding sex pleasurable with him. Around the world married people who have kids enjoy sex on their marital bed. Marriage actually gives you legal, moral and logistical access to your sexual partner who is your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

What is stopping you, did you lose both hands in an accident?

+1000

Jerk off and get over it. You aren't entitled to sex

And you aren't entitled to a faithful spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

My DH wants perfect conditions - so I make sure that those perfect conditions happen...

And my DW wants perfect conditions, so I do everything I can to make them happen as often as possible.

But I rarely actually ask for sex. I've been rejected so many times that I can hardly ever bring myself to do it. She knows I want it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

What is stopping you, did you lose both hands in an accident?

+1000

Jerk off and get over it. You aren't entitled to sex

And you aren't entitled to a faithful spouse

And you aren't entitled to all of your assets in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You're not talking about ethics, you're talking about convenience. Don't get the two confused. It's more CONVENIENT to keep everything in tact because god forbid, you had to strike out on your own and you couldn't live off your spouses money, or god forbid you had to split your assets. So, it's not an ethical decision, it's a convenient one. And ethically speaking, cheating on your spouse isn't really in the realm of ethical.

Cheating on your spouse who isn't interested in sex is a heck of a lot more ethical than cheating your kids out of financial and emotional security because you divorced over a lack of sex.

Or, you know, if you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse.

Or if you don't want to get screwed financially don't cheat.

This is a roundabout argument. I understand both sides. If you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse. However, I also understand the camp that says, why should I have to force myself to have sex when I don't want to... There is no winner. Which, is why I say. Find someone you are sexually compatible with.

Case in point, I dated a girl for a bit who only did two positions. Never gave blow jobs, and really wasn't that interested in sex. WE BROKE UP. I didn't try to change her or trick myself into believing that it would get better. And there was nothing wrong with her decision to stick to two positions or to have a low drive. We just weren't compatible. Simple. Found someone who shared my sexual needs, and she found someone who shared her sexual needs. No biggie.

I guess you didn't like her all that much, and didn't have a great relationship overall.

Actually, the opposite. I liked her just fine. But, I also didn't want to get to the point of all the angry DCUM posters where I am posting about my high drive and my DW's low drive and having a bunch of internet strangers tell me to divorce, cheat, etc.

"Liked her just fine" - either you weren't in love with her, or you are downplaying the role of love in causing people to marry partners with whom the sex may not be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Here's the secret: I fantasize about other men when I have sex with my H.