Reply to Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their  mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!!  Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be  turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

[/quote]

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced. [/quote]

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.[/quote]
Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?[/quote]

Sis!!!! Love you for this. I like professional men and that is who I date. [b]AA women are the only women encouraged to date men who showcase signs of not being good providers. [/b]It's ridiculous. I almost married a guy like this in my mid 20s. 7 years later, he is still in the same 1 bedroom apartment and actually making less money than before.

I definitely agree, however, that church is not to place to hang expecting to meet single men. (I'm the "receive the word and bounce" poster.) I know plenty of guys who are Christian but just aren't disciplined about going to church regularly. My cousin was one of the few men I knew who was heavily involved as a single man but he grew up in a rural town in NC where regular attendance was normal for everyone.

Afropolitan- The guy was early 30s, works in int'l development. I went alone because one of my girlfriends canceled due to weather. Of course, the weather was perfect by the time I arrived. I went early and I chitchatted with a couple of women briefly and then went and sat at a table alone with my drink. I was actually scoping out this cutie I saw when I arrived and trying to send the signal that I was alone.lol I was there for maybe a minute before I caught eyes with the guy I met and smiled and he made his way over. My suggestion would be to arrive earlier during happy hour before it's crowded. It gets more challenging to figure out the single, unattached folks from the rest. Go with one girlfriend or alone. Be friendly to everyone. Make eye contact and smile. Try not to close off others or get so caught up with your phone. Meeting folks when the club scene is in full effect is more challenging. The music is too loud to have a real conversation and connections seem to be more random. I met a guy I've gone out with a few times at a lounge last month and it was due to the fact that we had a mutual friend hosting a meet up and we both arrived alone and ended up seated next to one another. [/quote]

Thank you for that! I absolutely agree with this! There are plenty of uneducated, low-skilled AA women out there for those uneducated men.

And thanks for responding re: Afropolitan. Will definitely get there before the club scene happens next time.[/quote]

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