Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh, you didn't really give any negative info.

lol ok some negatives

can be defensive, and come off guarded
can be snappy
sometimes interrupt ppl when they talk

OP, are your rigid politically and personally? That can be a total turnoff.

Yeah, I don't mean to ask and play up the angry stereotype, but when you say snappy and defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really didn't tell us much about you. I will say, however, that the fact you had to point out something as superficial as you get mani/pedis is a red flag to me that you are high maintenance or hung up on your own looks. I'm a woman, but I find the women I know who get regular blowouts and hit he nail salon weekly are superficial and boring. As others have said, work on you, do things you like to do, stop looking for someone else to fulfill you and it may just happen.

Hmmm, I disagree. Im a woman, and i don't do the blowout and mani pedi thing, but my friends who do are fabulous and not superficial or boring at all. In fact, they inspire me to jazz myself up a bit sometimes because they look so great.

OP, ignore the ppl who say looking well put together and nice is a bad thing. They clearly don't know what they're talking about. You will attract a far better quality of man, when you look nice and well put together. No man wants a ragamuffin, and men love to treat a lady to nice things like blowouts and mani pedis

[Anonymous]

I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

*Here are my thoughts after many conversations ....( Sorry typo)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I am a 28 yr Old Af Am woman tired to the dating scene want wants a quality partner. I want honest feedback from happpily married ppl on what i am doing wrong

Details
28 years old
Security Engineer with a Masters
Slim hourglass build (recently lost 25 pounds)
Natural hair, brown skin, white straight teeth,
Dress stylish, gym 4x a week, get manis/pedis/do masks

Interests: hiking, working out, festivals, cooking, travel

Dating details
- have usually dated men in 30s who are same ethnicity
- express wanting to settle down early
-they seem on board, but relationships die, had sex with some, some I didnt
-a few had sex too early
-I have tried online, but prefer in person
- have been told I should come off warmer and open minded

Right now I am trying to open up more and be as social I can be within my busy schedule. I would really appreciate some hard, honest feedback

This is where you need to focus

Agreed. That says to me you may coming across as somewhat bitchy, cold, and rigid, especially when things don't go your way. Too controlling maybe? I see this with my single girlfriends a lot. They have to control every.last.thing in the relationship under the guise of being a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN WHO WON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM A MAN EVEN IF IT'S JUST ABOUT WHERE WE'RE EATING TONIGHT and then wonder when the guys don't last.

This may not be you of course. Just my thoughts. Happily married for 17 years DW.

[Anonymous]

Listen, OP, speaking as a married black woman, The problem you and other African American women face is not that you are unattractive, unintelligent, too intelligent, too independent, or whatever else. You have a problem of numbers.

Right off the bat, there are fewer AA men of reproductive age than there are African American women. Then you add in that fewer AA men graduate high school, much less get a degree of any sort. More AA men than non-AA men have criminal records. AA men are less likely to be employed. More AA men are gay/bisexual than non-AA men (it's true - look it up!). All of those things make for a very, very small pool of men who are eligible by the most basic measures that most women employ.

We haven't even added issues of upbringing such as not knowing how to be good husbands and fathers because they weren't raised by good men. We haven't factored in personality issues created by being coddled by mothers overcompensating for absent fathers. We haven't considered that many AA men have accepted and uphold racist stereotypes about black women.

In short, your eyes are not deceiving you. Fat, lazy, rude, and mean women of other races get married to good men every day. The numbers are on their side. By the measures I discussed above, there are many more eligible white men than eligible white women, for instance. Because the numbers are not on AA women's side, near perfection is required and it is not fair or a reflection of your worth.

None of this gets you the mythical "good black man," but maybe it will help you not internalize the slanderous idea that you are unmarried and may remain unmarried because you are just not good enough.

[Anonymous]

OP you can get tons of random advice here, but I know many successful, single women in DC. Nothing? wrong with them, just a lot of men that aren't ready for marriage. Keep looking, when you see red flags, like commitment issues, end it early and keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

I see both sides here. I can kinda see where the pp is coming from. But yeah...some of her advice is ummm.

AA ladies, it is NOT that bad out there. There are many nice, attractive educated black men who are ready to settle down. With a black woman. I had NO TROUBLE at all finding these quality men in my 20s and 30s. I did ivy grad and met a great guy there in my 20s. I met another quality black ivy educated man at a church function when we were in our 30s. He was great and really understood what it meant to be in a relationship, be a provider, and he was ready for marriage. He also put in real effort into pursuing me. There was another ivy educated guy when I was in my 30s and he was very early 50s. I was not in the right head space for any of them because I did not want to settle down and was completely into myself. I was unapologetically selfish. But I know those guys are out there because they pursued me and we dated-until I was off on my next adventure abroad or wherever.

I did live in a different part of the country. Being in the DC area may be your issue. I was in the Boston area, which is flooded with ivy men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. To add, I went briefly yesterday for 30 mins because I overbooked for Cinco de Mayo. I went alone and met a guy during the brief time I was there.

I grabbed a girlfriend and went there for a bit. Great crowd and a lot of men. But I didn't find the setting conducive to meeting anyone. I will say my friend met a guy and exchanged numbers so we'll see where that goes.

Can you tell us a little about the guy you met? Age group/range? Field of employment--nothing to specific. And how do you meet a guy in a club-type atmosphere. I decided I like it because it's a great group of people. I wasn't worried someone would go off on me for bumping into them. Everyone seemed like happy, well-adjusted people. But it didn't seem like the place to meet someone. Quite a few guys seemed single and as if they were actually looking to meet someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really didn't tell us much about you. I will say, however, that the fact you had to point out something as superficial as you get mani/pedis is a red flag to me that you are high maintenance or hung up on your own looks. I'm a woman, but I find the women I know who get regular blowouts and hit he nail salon weekly are superficial and boring. As others have said, work on you, do things you like to do, stop looking for someone else to fulfill you and it may just happen.

I see nothing wrong with taking care of herself. Now if the mani pedi is all she thinks she has going for herself, that's a problem.

You definitely want to be physically attractive. That's what gets the man to approach you. It's the first thing he sees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really didn't tell us much about you. I will say, however, that the fact you had to point out something as superficial as you get mani/pedis is a red flag to me that you are high maintenance or hung up on your own looks. I'm a woman, but I find the women I know who get regular blowouts and hit he nail salon weekly are superficial and boring. As others have said, work on you, do things you like to do, stop looking for someone else to fulfill you and it may just happen.

I see nothing wrong with taking care of herself. Now if the mani pedi is all she thinks she has going for herself, that's a problem.

You definitely want to be physically attractive. That's what gets the man to approach you. It's the first thing he sees.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

Op here. I appreciate ur hard advice, especially from a fellow woman of color.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 32 y.o AA woman who is married. I've read this entire thread. Here is my after many conversations about this topic with my dad (who is black), my husband (who is carribean) and my brother in law who is single and a dentist.

1. "God fearing"- How often do you walk into a black church and see more women than men? Quite often right? Well a lot of men might believe in God, but organized religion is not the first thing on their mind. (Most black Men I know only start go to church after they have settled down and got married, if they even go then.) If you don't want to compromise on this, you will lose a large population from which to choose. My husband grew up in the church and said he was agnostic when we met. We now go to church as a family, and it's no problem. The right man can be guided back to church if it's a priority to you.

2. "College Educated"- Why do you care about this so much? There are plumbers, electricians, and former military in DC making 6 figures with NO COLLEGE DEBT!!!! Sounds like you are more about status than the person. Get over that "power couple" ideal that you have created in your head and you will go farther. Additionally, we all know that there are 10x more black women with degrees than black men. What makes you more special than the other 9 women out there competing for this same man? I'm not being an a-hole, just saying you have a LOT of competition for this pool of men. Don't limit yourself.

3. "Are you willing to build this man up"- Culturally we have a problem. Black women raise their daughters to be "independent women" (thank Beyoncé!) while black women raise their sons with a desire to be treated like kings. So where is the problem? Black men want their women to build them up, while black women want to prove how independent of men we are. The two don't mix. According to my brother in law, this is why he dates outside of his race. According to him, after a long day at work he wants to feel appreciated at home and not nagged to death. When I read your post it screamed "look how great I am". That independent attitude can be turn off for the population you want.

I hope this helps. I'm sure I'll probably get torn a new one for my honesty, but this is the most honest advice I can give you.

From a happily married black woman: You have low standards and give terrible advice. Trying to "guide" an agnostic back to church after marriage? Marrying a man of significantly different educational attainment? Spending your life "building up" a man with low self-esteem? You are giving her the best advice for ending up unhappily married to the first guy who comes along and quickly divorced.

Op here. Sorry still catching up, thanks for your response as well. So much to take in.

Married black female PP here.

OP, if your goal is just to get married so you can say that you, too, achieved that milestone, then your task is pretty easy. Do what the PP advised and accept a man who meets none of your standards. That will broaden your pool considerably and, if you are obedient and demand nothing (God forbid you nag!), the man will propose quickly. Getting married is easy.

The question is: do you want to be happy in the marriage? And do you want to stay married? Because bending your standards to the point of having few standards and putting a man first in everything is a sure fire way to end up with someone you cannot stand. After the feeling of achievement has worn off - I got married too! No more single black female -- you will have to live with this person and all that they do or do not bring to the table. Can you imagine being married to the kind of man who yells "I should have married one of them white bitches!" whenever you say or do anything he doesn't like? I have an acquaintance whose soon-to-be ex used to do that. He finally put hands on her when she caught him cheating. Now, they are divorcing and she will owe him alimony because, you guessed it, he is a welder/poet and makes like one-third what she does. Soon, she will be back to being single, but a lot poorer and with emotional damage. There are many examples of black women who "got the ring" and wish they hadn't.

Before you take just any old advice regarding how to get married, ask yourself if this advice will actually keep you married and happily so. How long will you be happy with that agnostic black man in a trade who insists on complete submission from you?