How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

He knows he can do what he wants, she hasn't left him yet.
she never will.

EXACTLY, PP.
This sentence speaks VOLUMES & now I get why she doesn't leave.

She speaks of being in an empowered position, however it seems like she's not empowered financially enough on her own to leave.

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. A lot of you people still need help.

Every time I wonder why women are so unsupportive of each other, I'm going to think of this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, hang in there. You seem to be one of the most mature people in this thread.

You can't undo the other child, so the answer is "what next"? I actually know someone in a similar situation. It wasn't easy, but the kids have a pretty healthy sibling relationship. The kids ask surprisingly few questions in the early years. The important thing is to figure out if the conditions that happened in your relationship that led to the cheating are fixable and better. In the case I know, they were basically unkind to each other for a long time before anything happened. He perceives himself as being a stand-up guy because he won't walk away from children. That was the starting point. They went to counseling and learned better ways of communicating. I'm not sure that it will last, but everyone involved made an effort not to take it out on the kids. There's a lot I'm leaving out because it really isn't super common, and too many more details could out them. It sounds like you think you can come to terms with it, so accept you will get angry from time to time but you seem to be separating being a sh*tty husband from being a sh*tty father. Take it one day at a time, and I know it sound counter-intuitive, but you want that other kid under your roof when the kids are together. Kids are kids, and you want the contact between your DH and the OW to be as businesslike as possible.

But also make sure you have your own money and lock down any assets that come to you alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a family in almost your exact situation. DH has two kids with DW and another in between from an affair. Only difference is the half sibling lives several states away. This happened about 8 years ago and the oldest of the three children is now 13. DW found out the truth before the half sibling was born. When the oldest was about 10, DW and DH told their two about the situation in a very honest, age appropriate and simple manner. I do not know the particulars. Since then, the half sibling visits during summer and school breaks. The DW and DH are still married, have moved past the affair and have a happy home life. Their two kids are not messed up, still love their dad and respect their mom. I attribute this to the parents wanting the best for their kids, acting like responsible adults, acceptance of the half sibling and forgiveness. I really admire the DW and I admire you and respect your choice as well. I wish you and your family the best.

[Anonymous]

OP do you work?
How old are you?
Is this his only affair?
Have you had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Who believes that OP's husband would stick it out in this situation if the situation was reversed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

Then he would have tried to hide it in the first place. Which he didn't.[/b] He knows you're going to make the best of it, and there's something in your past relationship that makes him certain of it.[b] I don't know what it is. Or it really makes little difference to him because he'll just go live with family #2. Remember, he's already practiced in only seeing his child on occasion.

The way this went down, particularly with getting your son involved, shows a shocking amount of disregard for you. He had another child with you, and it never came up. You presumably discussed future plans, college savings, vacations, and it never came up. He slept with another woman, stood by her for nine months of pregnancy, and it never came up. He spent marital funds on this relationship, and it never came up. He decided his kids would enjoy spending time together, arranged play dates, and it never came up. I still don't get why that isn't the focus here.

What happens with the kids seems obvious. You proceed as if he had told you this like a real man, much earlier and before the kids were involved. You leave what happens with your relationship aside from those arrangements, many of which will be determined by the courts.

OP can you address this? I totally agree. What happened in the past? My DH knows I would have dumped him so fast. Yours knows it's ok to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP did you dad have affairs? I am trying to understand why this is normal for you?

[Anonymous]

Op I applaud the mature way you are handling this impossible situation. You are thinking of the children first and foremost and you are a good mother. I can't say I would be able to do the same if in a similar situation. Ignore the critical people here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who believes that OP's husband would stick it out in this situation if the situation was reversed?

Who cares about "what ifs"? The OP is concerned about what happened and how to talk about it with her kids. She wants to maintain their relationship with their father. It's totally unnerving to me that so many see that as a decision worthy of criticism and and are more concerned with convincing her that she's a terrible person and mother for wanting that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

Then he would have tried to hide it in the first place. Which he didn't.[/b] He knows you're going to make the best of it, and there's something in your past relationship that makes him certain of it.[b] I don't know what it is. Or it really makes little difference to him because he'll just go live with family #2. Remember, he's already practiced in only seeing his child on occasion.

The way this went down, particularly with getting your son involved, shows a shocking amount of disregard for you. He had another child with you, and it never came up. You presumably discussed future plans, college savings, vacations, and it never came up. He slept with another woman, stood by her for nine months of pregnancy, and it never came up. He spent marital funds on this relationship, and it never came up. He decided his kids would enjoy spending time together, arranged play dates, and it never came up. I still don't get why that isn't the focus here.

What happens with the kids seems obvious. You proceed as if he had told you this like a real man, much earlier and before the kids were involved. You leave what happens with your relationship aside from those arrangements, many of which will be determined by the courts.

OP can you address this? I totally agree. What happened in the past? My DH knows I would have dumped him so fast. Yours knows it's ok to do this.

Yes let's all talk about you and your perfect DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who believes that OP's husband would stick it out in this situation if the situation was reversed?

Who cares about "what ifs"? The OP is concerned about what happened and how to talk about it with her kids. She wants to maintain their relationship with their father. It's totally unnerving to me that so many see that as a decision worthy of criticism and and are more concerned with convincing her that she's a terrible person and mother for wanting that.

I wouldn't stick by a guy who wouldn't do the same for me, it's pretty common to think this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

Then he would have tried to hide it in the first place. Which he didn't.[/b] He knows you're going to make the best of it, and there's something in your past relationship that makes him certain of it.[b] I don't know what it is. Or it really makes little difference to him because he'll just go live with family #2. Remember, he's already practiced in only seeing his child on occasion.

The way this went down, particularly with getting your son involved, shows a shocking amount of disregard for you. He had another child with you, and it never came up. You presumably discussed future plans, college savings, vacations, and it never came up. He slept with another woman, stood by her for nine months of pregnancy, and it never came up. He spent marital funds on this relationship, and it never came up. He decided his kids would enjoy spending time together, arranged play dates, and it never came up. I still don't get why that isn't the focus here.

What happens with the kids seems obvious. You proceed as if he had told you this like a real man, much earlier and before the kids were involved. You leave what happens with your relationship aside from those arrangements, many of which will be determined by the courts.

OP can you address this? I totally agree. What happened in the past? My DH knows I would have dumped him so fast. Yours knows it's ok to do this.

Yes let's all talk about you and your perfect DH.

He isn't perfect and neither am I. BUT I told him before we were married, that I would divorce immediately if he cheated. 20 years later, I would still do the same and he KNOWS this. I am a strong woman who wouldn't put up with being disrespected in the worst way. He has no doubt I would divorce him, no questions asked. He knows the line in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who believes that OP's husband would stick it out in this situation if the situation was reversed?

Who cares about "what ifs"? The OP is concerned about what happened and how to talk about it with her kids. She wants to maintain their relationship with their father. It's totally unnerving to me that so many see that as a decision worthy of criticism and and are more concerned with convincing her that she's a terrible person and mother for wanting that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Look, OP is reacting the way she is. Many of us would not or could not do it, but we are not in her shoes. I don't think its helpful to be incredulous or judgmental. I do think that it is helpful to suggest what steps OP can take here in this shitty position. Her question, how to tell the kids-- is best addressed with a family therapist. But keeping secrets is no good.

Secondly, OP can and should protect herself--therapist, and I would suggest a post-nuptial. Perhaps the marriage will work out, perhaps it won't but if finances are her main consideration then a strong postnuptial that guarantees her and her children's financial security is important--and perhaps will allow her to assess the marriage on other merits. It is also an incentive for the DH to repair things, and it sounds like that is, for the moment, preferable to her for a host of reasons, including an intact parental unit for her kids.

OP, if you consider a post-nup, the time is now. The longer you are in acceptance mode, the less likely your DH is going to agree to it. His panic and desire to set things right can and should be used to your advantage to shore up your position.

I wish you the best and sorry that you are in this shitty position. The other PP who was in a similar situation probably has good advice--she tried enormously hard to keep it together for her kids, at the cost of much emotional and mental distress to herself. In the end, she made the best decision for herself and her kids. Yours may vary.