How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether you want to stay with your DH or not, I totally disagree with your desire to not make DH look like a piece of crap to your DS. DS needs to understand that his dad did something that is not OK in any shape or form! Otherwise, you will have implicitly approved of DH's actions in your DS's eyes and he will have an extremely messed up idea of marriage. Maybe your life is easier now staying in place and doing whatever your DH asks, but please think of your kids' long term development as people.

I agree with you that dad did something that's not remotely OK. I think there's a difference between "daddy made a huge mistake" and "daddy is a piece of shit". People are not perfect, they make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. DH is a good father and I do not want to do anything to poison his relationship with the kids. I don't see how that would be good for them at all. I guess I'm looking for the right balance of "huge mistake" vs. "piece of shit" down the road.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so here are a couple thoughts:

You can treat this like "My husband had an affair and broke my trust and I don't want that woman around my kids" which would be perfectly reasonable.

However, if you're planning on staying married and want to minimize the disruption on your kids, you could treat it like a blended family situation. Your husband has a child with another woman, and that child is your children's sibling and they have a relationship with her.

If you go that route, I would spend more time thinking about structurally, how it would work. Does your husband plan to have visitation with the girl? What about overnights? Will she be included like a family member at family events? How involved will he be in her school life?

[Anonymous]

Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.

NP and in addition to that he's been having visitation with the daughter for about four years? Even if he only saw her every other week for a few hours that's a lot of time to just not be home.

[Anonymous]

WTF?? Did he ask your son to lie about this to you??

Girl, have some self-respect.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure he is a good dad? Playing with the kids and spending time with them is only one aspect of being a good father. Is he able to demonstrate caring behavior not just to them, but to you, is he responsible in all aspects, is he able to teach your children values and how to be good people? Is he willing to learn what he doesn't know?

How would you define "made a mistake" and "POS"? I would say made a mistake is a one time thing, like a ONS, with much remorse, taking full responsibility and working to make things right. A POS would blame you and keep repeating the same cheating behavior. You have to decide when enough is enough.

Stop worrying so much right now what to say to the kids at the right time, but first make absolutely sure you are making the right decisions.

For the kids, keep two things in mind: keep any explanations age appropriate, and be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you have a job?

Yes, a really good one.

[Anonymous]

OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a second. Husband was getting your minor son together with his love child and you didn't know? Hell no.

Agree. His bastard is NOT. A part of your family and I would never allow this. Your DH is also a SOB and a "good father" does not have extra marital affairs. I would divorce him. What a jerk!

[Anonymous]

You keep saying he's a good dad - this is not the kind of thing a good dad does to his family and the (original) mother of his children.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're not leaving him. This is going to mess up your kids in all sorts of ways, especially since you're basically condoning what he did for some crazy reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

NP here but if the love child is four years old now presumably her husband is already paying support somehow or the OW is not interested in pursuing it. At four years old, the most expensive portion of the child support years is almost over (i.e. daycare).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep saying he's a good dad - this is not the kind of thing a good dad does to his family and the (original) mother of his children.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're not leaving him. This is going to mess up your kids in all sorts of ways, especially since you're basically condoning what he did for some crazy reason.

I completely understand. This is an emotional response very similar to what I had in the beginning.

Think of how the alternative will mess the kids up. Smaller house, less money, the disruption of a move, less time with them, less control over their lives. Their relationship with the half-sister will be poisoned because "she's the reason daddy left us." Their relationship with their dad poisoned because "daddy left us because he wanted another kid" or similar. There are no perfect options here.

He did a very bad thing. I'm not condoning it. But I don't have to let it disrupt my life and the life of my children either. I'm committed to minimizing its harm for my children and that's why I wanted to ask for advice for people who have been there. It doesn't sound like this is a common, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a second. Husband was getting your minor son together with his love child and you didn't know? Hell no.

Agree. His bastard is NOT. A part of your family and I would never allow this. Your DH is also a SOB and a "good father" does not have extra marital affairs. I would divorce him. What a jerk!

There is no way to "not allowing it". I can't ban contact between the children and come out on top. If we divorce, I won't be able to stop it either. It's a given that contact is there and won't stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.

OP, is this what happened?