How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who believes that OP's husband would stick it out in this situation if the situation was reversed?

Who cares about "what ifs"? The OP is concerned about what happened and how to talk about it with her kids. She wants to maintain their relationship with their father. It's totally unnerving to me that so many see that as a decision worthy of criticism and and are more concerned with convincing her that she's a terrible person and mother for wanting that.

+1

+2 It's her choice and she can do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

Don't think you can adopt a child without her parents giving her up first. Why would her mom relinquish custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

Not OP. I honestly can't imagine preparing my child for adulthood, for handling a plethora of shitty situations that will come his way, for dealing respectfully with his relationships in his future, for handling his emotions and mitigate their great potential for destruction...

...by telling him there's nothing he can do. THAT would bite me in the ass for years to come and set him up for tragic failure.

If nothing else, this thread provides good example of how damaging a mother's response can be in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

Don't think you can adopt a child without her parents giving her up first. Why would her mom relinquish custody?

And why would you want her to? To punish her? I shudder to think how you'd treat the child.

[Anonymous]

Could I take him back after an affair? Probably not, but perhaps.

Could I take him back after having a child that he never mentioned for 4 years? No.

Could I take him back after having our son have a relationship with a sister I never knew he had? Hell no.

These lies are too serious and went on for years. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could I take him back after an affair? Probably not, but perhaps.

Could I take him back after having a child that he never mentioned for 4 years? No.

Could I take him back after having our son have a relationship with a sister I never knew he had? Hell no.

These lies are too serious and went on for years. Divorce.

Maybe the OP should print this out and put it in her kids' backpack so they can remember what matters most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

Don't think you can adopt a child without her parents giving her up first. Why would her mom relinquish custody?

And why would you want her to? To punish her? I shudder to think how you'd treat the child.

I wouldn't. I thought the advice on legally adopting the child was stupid, that's why I responde.d

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could I take him back after an affair? Probably not, but perhaps.

Could I take him back after having a child that he never mentioned for 4 years? No.

Could I take him back after having our son have a relationship with a sister I never knew he had? Hell no.

These lies are too serious and went on for years. Divorce.

Maybe the OP should print this out and put it in her kids' backpack so they can remember what matters most.

Stupid and emotional.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you're in the situation, OP. I really recommend getting off DCUM and seeking counseling on how to best approach this with your children.

I know of two situations where someone had an affair and a child. One was an old friend whose father had at least one child (that they knew of, in her own words) when she and her siblings were high school aged and older. Their mom welcomed the child into her home because no one wanted to punish the innocent kid and my friend and her sibs tried to be kind to her. Eventually her parents divorced, but I'm not sure the child was the only catalyst- I think her dad had a long history of affairs.

The second is my brother-in-law; he had at least one affair and child with his secretary, no less. He and my SIL had 4 kids at the time. I don't know exactly all that happened or how it was explained to their kids, but I know that they had a picture of the child on their wall in their house. My MIL found out by asking my SIL whose picture that was because it didn't look like either of the other two sons, and SIL apparently very casually said, "Oh, that's BIL's other son." I will say that BIL and SIL divorced many years later, and again, I don't think that child (who was eventually adopted by the AP's new husband) was the catalyst for the divorce. It was a very troubled and young marriage from the start.

Best of luck to you, OP, and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you're in the situation, OP. I really recommend getting off DCUM and seeking counseling on how to best approach this with your children.

I know of two situations where someone had an affair and a child. One was an old friend whose father had at least one child (that they knew of, in her own words) when she and her siblings were high school aged and older. Their mom welcomed the child into her home because no one wanted to punish the innocent kid and my friend and her sibs tried to be kind to her. Eventually her parents divorced, but I'm not sure the child was the only catalyst- I think her dad had a long history of affairs.

The second is my brother-in-law; he had at least one affair and child with his secretary, no less. He and my SIL had 4 kids at the time. I don't know exactly all that happened or how it was explained to their kids, but I know that they had a picture of the child on their wall in their house. My MIL found out by asking my SIL whose picture that was because it didn't look like either of the other two sons, and SIL apparently very casually said, "Oh, that's BIL's other son." I will say that BIL and SIL divorced many years later, and again, I don't think that child (who was eventually adopted by the AP's new husband) was the catalyst for the divorce. It was a very troubled and young marriage from the start.

Best of luck to you, OP, and your family.

WOW!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm really struggling to be sympathetic here. What in the world are you modeling for your children by accepting and normalizing this behavior for your kids? I hope none of your children are girls--though probably just as bad for boys to learn any part of this is okay and tenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really struggling to be sympathetic here. What in the world are you modeling for your children by accepting and normalizing this behavior for your kids? I hope none of your children are girls--though probably just as bad for boys to learn any part of this is okay and tenable.

Yes, this is exactly what all of this is about - your approval and sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really struggling to be sympathetic here. What in the world are you modeling for your children by accepting and normalizing this behavior for your kids? I hope none of your children are girls--though probably just as bad for boys to learn any part of this is okay and tenable.

Yes, this is exactly what all of this is about - your approval and sympathy.

Stop getting defensive OP, you're the one who came here seeking advice & expecting everyone to rationalize & normalize yours & you're husbands behavior.

You're the one who allows him to walk all over you & the fact that your son knew about this for YEARS before you?

Well, let's just say I dont see this kid having respect for EITHER of his parents, when he realizes what a scumbag his father is & what a doormat his mother is.

At most he'll have is pity for you... but respect? None.

How can he when he realizes that his mom isn't strong enough to demand better for herself & doesn't have any self esteem to model right & wrong for her children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really struggling to be sympathetic here. What in the world are you modeling for your children by accepting and normalizing this behavior for your kids? I hope none of your children are girls--though probably just as bad for boys to learn any part of this is okay and tenable.

Yes, this is exactly what all of this is about - your approval and sympathy.

Stop getting defensive OP, you're the one who came here seeking advice & expecting everyone to rationalize & normalize yours & you're husbands behavior.

You're the one who allows him to walk all over you & the fact that your son knew about this for YEARS before you?

Well, let's just say I dont see this kid having respect for EITHER of his parents, when he realizes what a scumbag his father is & what a doormat his mother is.

At most he'll have is pity for you... but respect? None.

How can he when he realizes that his mom isn't strong enough to demand better for herself & doesn't have any self esteem to model right & wrong for her children?

*your