How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am confused as to why you are saying this is a "new revelation" and that "we" need to figure out how to proceed. It's not new to anybody but you and the 2 year old.

As to how YOU deal worh it, I think you have gotten good advice to not take it out on the half-sister and to explain it to the kids honestly in age appropriate ways as time progresses.

I also think that the advice to get counseling yourself, and with your husband if you decide to stay with him, is NOT a separate issue. As your kids get older it will impact them a lot whether their model for a marriage is their father shitting all over their mother and her just taking it--or a father who made a huge mistake but seriously atoned for it and worked things out honestly with his wife--or a father who broke up his marriage and a mother who had respect for herself and left.

I was a pp that previously posted some of what the pp above is saying. At age 4, your son already knows, and chances are his dad answered his questions en route or when they were returning home from the OW's place. Your two year old is too young to understand any of this and only needs the simplest of explanations right now. "Larla is your sister; Daddy knew her mommy before you were born." And maybe, " She lives with her mommy and you live with your mommy." That's it. She won't ask more because her brain isn't developed enough yet to do all the math and figure out all the connections, logistics, maneuvers and morality issues and won't be for a long time. And the same goes for your son.

I don't understand why you are so stressed over explaining this to your kids *right now,* except for having to introduce your DD to her sibling. Your feelings will calm down more over time and your thinking will evolve. You may not want to answer it by then as you may think now, so you really don't need to come up with all the answers *right now.* Are you obssessing over this so you don't have to deal with something else you're trying to ignore? Give that some thought. Counseling will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the PP who called OP delusional, but I think that person is right.

This is not to be mean. OP is going through the stages of dealing with infidelity, and they are pretty textbook. Right now she is in a very specific stage, which is panicking about what it would mean to end her marriage. As she says, "impoverishing the family."

Eventually she will come to realize just how profound this betrayal was, particularly since her husband involved their child in the deception.

Folks are just trying to help her along that path.

Not the OP, but I disagree. Folks are trying to help her along to the conclusion they want, based on their own situations. Frankly, a lot of these posters sound pretty unhealthy themselves (I'm looking at you, Freakshow Lady, who prescribes asking a 6-year-old (!) to tell his mother what dad talks about with the other woman. OMG. )

The positive is that there are plenty of examples of how spite can go horribly wrong and make a bad situation so much worse. OP's husband made some bad decisions. No rule book saying she has to follow suit where her kids are concerned.

[Anonymous]

My 6 yo would have a million questions if there was a half sibling with a different mom. 6 year olds aren't dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you have shown your kids by example that this behaviour is ok. He had unprotected sex with someone else while married. Do you have any self esteem?
Why would you stay with this guy who treats you this way? It's hard but you need to leave.

I agree with you. When the kids start questioning, her choice of staying is going to bite her ass.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. My Ex had a baby with his AP. I tried to stay for my kids sake but I felt dead inside and could not forgive. My kids are teenagers and the baby is now 3 years old. We are recently divorced. My 13 and 16 year old want nothing to do with the child. I have no idea if my ex has contact at this point. The other woman is married though and the husband is well aware of the situation.

I thought like you at the beginning but it became soul crushing after awhile.

Best of luck in deciding the best decision for your family. Either way, your kids will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you are in this situation. My Ex had a baby with his AP. I tried to stay for my kids sake but I felt dead inside and could not forgive. My kids are teenagers and the baby is now 3 years old. We are recently divorced. My 13 and 16 year old want nothing to do with the child. I have no idea if my ex has contact at this point. The other woman is married though and the husband is well aware of the situation.

I thought like you at the beginning but it became soul crushing after awhile.

Best of luck in deciding the best decision for your family. Either way, your kids will be okay.

I remember your story! We were/are all rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the PP who called OP delusional, but I think that person is right.

This is not to be mean. OP is going through the stages of dealing with infidelity, and they are pretty textbook. Right now she is in a very specific stage, which is panicking about what it would mean to end her marriage. As she says, "impoverishing the family."

Eventually she will come to realize just how profound this betrayal was, particularly since her husband involved their child in the deception.

Folks are just trying to help her along that path.

Not the OP, but I disagree. Folks are trying to help her along to the conclusion they want, based on their own situations. Frankly, a lot of these posters sound pretty unhealthy themselves (I'm looking at you, Freakshow Lady, who prescribes asking a 6-year-old (!) to tell his mother what dad talks about with the other woman. OMG. )

The positive is that there are plenty of examples of how spite can go horribly wrong and make a bad situation so much worse. OP's husband made some bad decisions. No rule book saying she has to follow suit where her kids are concerned.

I'm a PP that gave lots of examples with friends and family. I honestly don't know any happy stories where husband has a child with AP in between children with wife, stays married, and everyone is one big happy family yet doesn't think it's okay to cheat and have another family.

I personally think the lack of happy stories are because a lot of the time
- the cheating spouse doesn't really change, act remorseful, or put in the hard work
- the betrayed spouse can't really get past the bitterness and is just marking time until the kids are old enough
- the betrayed spouse just accepts whatever to keep the family together and this normalizes the behavior for the kids - sort of the old school turn a blind eye

Hoping OP defies the odds.

[Anonymous]

It's 2017. Call the lawyers, protect YOUR kids/yourself and get out of your failed, failed, failed marriage before things get worse.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your children you have an open marriage and believe in polygamy. There you go. Actions speak louder than words, at any age.

[Anonymous]

I think you are far too down the rabbit hole to gain any kind of sensical advice from DCUM. This is not a situation that's common and I doubt anyone here has had relevant experiences that they can help you with.

You need to talk with a therapist. This is your children's lives and your marriage. You don't want to impact what's happened already by going through bad advice on the internet.

I hope you do some soul searching and find the right person to help you through it.

[Anonymous]

This was common in 15th & 16th century Europe among the upper middle class. But even then the various children never socialized together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

He knows he can do what he wants, she hasn't left him yet.
she never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the PP who called OP delusional, but I think that person is right.

This is not to be mean. OP is going through the stages of dealing with infidelity, and they are pretty textbook. Right now she is in a very specific stage, which is panicking about what it would mean to end her marriage. As she says, "impoverishing the family."

Eventually she will come to realize just how profound this betrayal was, particularly since her husband involved their child in the deception.

Folks are just trying to help her along that path.

Not the OP, but I disagree. Folks are trying to help her along to the conclusion they want, based on their own situations. Frankly, a lot of these posters sound pretty unhealthy themselves (I'm looking at you, Freakshow Lady, who prescribes asking a 6-year-old (!) to tell his mother what dad talks about with the other woman. OMG. )

The positive is that there are plenty of examples of how spite can go horribly wrong and make a bad situation so much worse. OP's husband made some bad decisions. No rule book saying she has to follow suit where her kids are concerned.

Agree with this. There are some posters here that are bizarrely interested in having OP follow their recommendations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was common in 15th & 16th century Europe among the upper middle class. But even then the various children never socialized together. [/quote

Exactly, and the baby would ALWAYS be know to everyone in the kingdom as "the bastard child" (is there a female version of a bastard?).

This is VERY ala Game of Thrones & her husband sounds like a grown, selfish, entitled King Joffre (blech!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was common in 15th & 16th century Europe among the upper middle class. But even then the various children never socialized together.

Exactly, and the baby would ALWAYS be know to everyone in the kingdom as "the bastard child" (is there a female version of a bastard?).

This is VERY ala Game of Thrones & her husband sounds like a grown, selfish, entitled King Joffre (blech!).