Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When are the waves of divorce? I am 34, DH is 37. Have been together a bit over 7 years. I feel like a lot of our friends have just gotten married and started having kids.

Oops meant to post this in the other thread

Which thread is that? Sounds more interesting than this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your hhi? Do you have a downpayment saved up?

+1. Now 9 pages in and still no answer regarding HHI.

Seriously. DC is expensive, but it's not insane. Two professional earners (OP even said she makes more than her dh) should be able to buy some kind of house in the area within a reasonable commute to downtown.

I totally agree. When they met with that financial planner after their DC#1 was born, they should have outlined their long term goals - certainly retirement should be/is one but it sounds like OP and her DH chose to fund their kids' college to the detriment of home ownership. I don't understand how that it her DH's fault. A decent financial planner would have gotten them on the path of homeownership rather than continuing to throw money away in rent. It makes no financial sense and you don't need a financial planner to tell you that. If either one of them is a fed, they can borrow from their TSP for the down payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I think our problem is that we are starting with nothing - no equity. Was a mistake to rent for 10 years. But then again, we both graduated penniless so buying wasn't in the cards when the market was good. We each scrimped and saved (prior to mtg and since) and are trying to get in now.

Yes, we saw a financial planner after DS1 was born to make sure we were putting enough into college (would like to pay for as much of it as we can) and retirement.

Goal: A nice 3 bedroom house in a school district of 8s and a 30 min commute to downtown. My job is demanding (50 - 55 hours a week) and I don't want to give up any more of my time - esp not to a commute. I'd move 1000 miles away but he wants his job. I want a house - a place to live our lives - that doesn't feel like a dungeon.

To the previous poster, I think your note about being mostly mad that he doesn't care is right. How could he not want more for our family? He grew up with all of the above but doesn't feel the same desire to provide it for our kids the way I do.

His definition of more and his definition of need can be different from yours. Given how I grew up it was really important for me not to move around a lot with the kids and for them to have friends they've had since kindergarten. It was also important for me that they could be involved with activities like sports, the school play, academic activity etc. and for someone's job to be flexible enough to pick them up. So honestly moving 1000 miles away for a bigger house (bigger house/slightly better neighborhood had my family moving 4 times before I finished high school) or both of us having jobs that supported the bigger home but didn't allow give us flexibility isn't something I would value.

What does your DH value and what tradeoffs is he willing to make to meet your desire for more space? Are there things he values that you aren't taking into account when you look at moving? There needs to be some compromise no doubt. I am not saying the answer is for you to continue to work a job you don't love, with 10-15 hours of extra work each week, coming home to a cramped apartment...you are not thrilled with, with no end in sight. But the answer isn't necessarily for him to leave a job he loves, to take a job he isn't thrilled with, working an extra 10-15 hours of work coming home to a bigger space that he doesn't care about, spending less time with his kids. So far your suggestions are to move 1000 miles away (he needs a new job) or he gets a new job in DC. There needs to be some options that don't involve him getting a new job. What other options have you suggested? What options has he suggested?

The other thing is have you actually gotten pre-approved and started looking for a house in your budget? If so, what are his thoughts about the places you have seen? He may be willing to consider other options like borrowing from retirement, how long he plans to work if that 30 year mortgage puts him last when he planned to retire, ways to earn extra money if he sees what is in your budget and wants more in terms of housing options.

[Anonymous]

How could he not want more for our family?

It sounds like he does want more for your family.

More than a dad who shows his kids that you should do meaningless work (or even go against your values) to buy a larger place to live.

More than the few scraps of time he can squeeze in for them.

More than being second to corporate clients.

Maybe he'd like your kids to see life is about more than money and being on the right side is worth something.

But you want more space and a "provider" to get it for you.

[Anonymous]

OP. The reason you hate him is because of his attitude, not his income.
It is not unreasonable to want someone to make you feel secure and comfortable. But what matters most is his intention to try his best to make you feel comfortable and secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

Tough cookies. If you are going to take up my reading time on this forum, spell correctly.

[Anonymous]

OP, kindly post your marriage vows. I'll then be better prepared to give advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. The reason you hate him is because of his attitude, not his income.
It is not unreasonable to want someone to make you feel secure and comfortable. But what matters most is his intention to try his best to make you feel comfortable and secure.

+1 Agreed. Similar thing happened to us. DH's attitude was selfish - didn't want to change lifestyle for the kids. And when I mean lifestyle, I don't mean I wanted him to make more money. Quite the opposite, I wanted to reduce our expenses (like getting rid of his expensive toys) so that we could get a 3br house -- we have one boy and one girl. He knew we needed a 3br house at some point, but wasn't willing to pull back on our expenses so that we could achieve it. And yet, he had no other plan to pay for a 3br house (we live in a really expensive area). I was really angry with him.

It was his attitude -- thinking more about himself than the kids - that was the real problem for me. There were other things like this, too. He had certain things growing up that I wanted for my kids (not material things) but he didn't want to change our lifestyle to achieve this. And again, I wasn't asking him to work more hours or get paid more. I was perfectly willing to cut back on expenses for us to achieve it, but he wasn't.

Yes, it all worked out. He finally accepted that having kids means you do have to change your lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

May I ask what you are looking for? Just curious. My husband makes about 250K, I stay at home. We lived tightly for a few years and were able to buy our dream home in a great school district. We are working toward paying it off. We travel once a year for vacations (we both have family abroad) and take 2-3 mini weekend trips with the kids to NYC, Chicago, Colorado, etc. Our kids are all in activities year round. We have savings. We don't drive fancy cars, but I think it's a good life. What is your ideal salary and what would you want to do with it? Is it a lot more traveling? Fancier cars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Do you know that spotting someone's grammer mistakes is a form of a mental disorder? Goodle it and get a treatment.

You don't say? Also it's grammar, not grammer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Do you know that spotting someone's grammer mistakes is a form of a mental disorder? Goodle it and get a treatment.

You don't say? Also it's grammar, not grammer.

http://sparkonit.com/2016/04/03/grammar-nazi-scientists-bad-news/

Yep, science says you're an unagreable prick.

I pray for your husband and his sanity. You're probably a complete b&tch.

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is op dragging this out without ever posting her hhI because we would all scoff at her "difficult" life.

I live in a 900sqft townhouse in Alexandria with a kid and a dog and a combined income of 240kish and we basically feel like fortunate rich people.

[Anonymous]

I bet she lied or exaggerated about something, as in, she only recently started outearning her husband, she stayed home a few years, they have been paying for some debt of hers or she supports her parents or something.

Also, her DH is not an attorney. Her silence proves it. So maybe their HHI is lower than what people speculated based on a fed atty salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is op dragging this out without ever posting her hhI because we would all scoff at her "difficult" life.

I live in a 900sqft townhouse in Alexandria with a kid and a dog and a combined income of 240kish and we basically feel like fortunate rich people.

You ARE fortunate rich people. The average HHI I this country is less than 1/3 of yours. Your HHI puts you in the top 5%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is op dragging this out without ever posting her hhI because we would all scoff at her "difficult" life.

I live in a 900sqft townhouse in Alexandria with a kid and a dog and a combined income of 240kish and we basically feel like fortunate rich people.

You ARE fortunate rich people. The average HHI I this country is less than 1/3 of yours. Your HHI puts you in the top 5%.

This is meaningless without considering COL for different cities, esp housing costs. HHI 240k in DC really does not get you as far as you'd think.