Reply to Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

I think our problem is that we are starting with nothing - no equity.  Was a mistake to rent for 10 years.  But then again, we both graduated penniless so buying wasn't in the cards when the market was good.   We each scrimped and saved (prior to mtg and since) and are trying to get in now.

Yes, we saw a financial planner after DS1 was born to make sure we were putting enough into college (would like to pay for as much of it as we can) and retirement.

Goal: A nice 3 bedroom house in a school district of 8s and a 30 min commute to downtown.  My job is demanding (50 - 55 hours a week)  and I don't want to give up any more of my time - esp not to a commute.  I'd move 1000 miles away but he wants his job.  I want a house - a place to live our lives - that doesn't feel like a dungeon.

To the previous poster, I think your note about being mostly mad that he doesn't care is right.  [b]How could he not want more for our family?[/b]  He grew up with all of the above but doesn't feel the same desire to provide it for our kids the way I do.[/quote]

His definition of more and his definition of need can be different from yours.  Given how I grew up it was really important for me not to move around a lot with the kids and for them to have friends they've had since kindergarten.  It was also important for me that they could be involved with activities like sports, the school play, academic activity etc. and for someone's job to be flexible enough to pick them up.  So honestly moving 1000 miles away for a bigger house (bigger house/slightly better neighborhood had my family moving 4 times before I finished high school) or both of us having jobs that supported the bigger home but didn't allow give us flexibility isn't something I would value.

What does your DH value and what tradeoffs is he willing to make to meet your desire for more space?  Are there things he values that you aren't taking into account when you look at moving?  There needs to be some compromise no doubt.  I am not saying the answer is for you to continue to work a job you don't love, with 10-15 hours of extra work each week, coming home to a cramped apartment...you are not thrilled with, with no end in sight.  But the answer isn't necessarily for him to leave a job he loves, to take a job he isn't thrilled with, working an extra 10-15 hours of work coming home to a bigger space that he doesn't care about, spending less time with his kids.  So far your suggestions are to move 1000 miles away (he needs a new job) or he gets a new job in DC.  There needs to be some options that don't involve him getting a new job. What other options have you suggested?  What options has he suggested?

The other thing is have you actually gotten pre-approved and started looking for a house in your budget? If so, what are his thoughts about the places you have seen?  He may be willing to consider other options like borrowing from retirement, how long he plans to work if that 30 year mortgage puts him last when he planned to retire, ways to earn extra money if he sees what is in your budget and wants more in terms of housing options.[/quote]

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