Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is op dragging this out without ever posting her hhI because we would all scoff at her "difficult" life.

I live in a 900sqft townhouse in Alexandria with a kid and a dog and a combined income of 240kish and we basically feel like fortunate rich people.

You ARE fortunate rich people. The average HHI I this country is less than 1/3 of yours. Your HHI puts you in the top 5%.

This is meaningless without considering COL for different cities, esp housing costs. HHI 240k in DC really does not get you as far as you'd think.

I am the 240k pp and I was not being facetious at all. In case my post implied that I think we ARE rich people. I bought a 300 camera lens last week without really thinking twice about it and we just got back from a trip to Europe. All that on top of an unexpected high vet bill and we're just fine.

We are not the kind of wealthy where we never need to worry about money, we're not the kind of wealthy where daycare costs don't hurt, but we eat organic meat, vacation regularly, own and home and I am 31. We are rich and fortunate and I would never claim we were anything but.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your husband is an attorney, some realities to consider:

-- Washington has droves of struggling private practitioners, many of whom needed to scrape practices together after not making it at a big firm. Ivy league pedigree is no guarantee of success. Your DH is probably doing better than many of these people.
-- The real earning power of being a government lawyer is in retirement benefits. If you doubt this have DH ask his agency for a benefits statement that shows pension & health care benefits if he quits once retirement eligible.
-- US Government offices which advertise an attorney job can get 500+ applications, including from big firm associates and partners. Ask yourself why this is the case.
-- Private sector salaries are affected by things called "downturns." These "downturns" can cause things called "layoffs." Even if DH gets a big private practice salary, the smart play will be to save the difference for a rainy day.

Not saying that a government career is an excuse for DH to sit on his laurels. Is he seeking development and outside learning opportunities that can lead to advancement in his agency? A previous commenter suggested that the real issue may be attitude and that could be insightful. I don't think it's your place to nag DH into private practice, but I do think it's reasonable for you to expect that he'll do what he can to advance himself in the career path he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

I wouldn't like to sound rude but I think you should[urlhttp://women-looking-for-men.org/#older_ladies_seeking_males] try younger men[/url], that maybe can change way you are participating things if you understand me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your husband is an attorney, some realities to consider:

-- Washington has droves of struggling private practitioners, many of whom needed to scrape practices together after not making it at a big firm. Ivy league pedigree is no guarantee of success. Your DH is probably doing better than many of these people.
-- The real earning power of being a government lawyer is in retirement benefits. If you doubt this have DH ask his agency for a benefits statement that shows pension & health care benefits if he quits once retirement eligible.
-- US Government offices which advertise an attorney job can get 500+ applications, including from big firm associates and partners. Ask yourself why this is the case.
-- Private sector salaries are affected by things called "downturns." These "downturns" can cause things called "layoffs." Even if DH gets a big private practice salary, the smart play will be to save the difference for a rainy day.

Not saying that a government career is an excuse for DH to sit on his laurels. Is he seeking development and outside learning opportunities that can lead to advancement in his agency? A previous commenter suggested that the real issue may be attitude and that could be insightful. I don't think it's your place to nag DH into private practice, but I do think it's reasonable for you to expect that he'll do what he can to advance himself in the career path he has.

x10000

OP, you sound very naive to put money first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Arrogant jerk

[Anonymous]

I am in govt and my only regret is the amount of money I had that destroyed my marriage. I still kept my half, have a house in upper middle area, and I can send my D to a top slac with F/A and merit aid. Money is overrated. In wrong hands, it can destroy life. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

If they are GS-14s, they should be making about $250000/yr. With student loans, a nice apt in a high end area that charges the price of a mortgage, she may be stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are GS-14s, they should be making about $250000/yr. With student loans, a nice apt in a high end area that charges the price of a mortgage, she may be stressed.

You are an idiot spewing lies. SES taps out at $189,600.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

NP. I never understand why people say that. Can't one type correctly on a phone/ look at what they wrote and correct it?

NP. Sorry, this is an internet message board, not an email to the board of my company. I am not going to go back and closely proof or edit my post.

That's a shame, you should take more pride in yourself and your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are GS-14s, they should be making about $250000/yr. With student loans, a nice apt in a high end area that charges the price of a mortgage, she may be stressed.

You are an idiot spewing lies. SES taps out at $189,600.

Notice the plural. 2 GS 14s would be about $250k.

[Anonymous]

thread is a year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are GS-14s, they should be making about $250000/yr. With student loans, a nice apt in a high end area that charges the price of a mortgage, she may be stressed.

You are an idiot spewing lies. SES taps out at $189,600.

Notice the plural. 2 GS 14s would be about $250k.

We are talking husband and wife, both attorneys. That's two gs-14s. Or equivalent to one gs-28. I am guessing their gs levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC, NYC, San Fran are great cities. But unless you make insane money, your choices are to either spend your days commuting or live in a small apartment.

We moved to Florida, my DH makes 130k, I stay home, we live very comfortably in a good size house in a great school district and close to his work.

Point being, I think you should look at moving if you want a better lifestyle.

+1, previous NYC resident here, just moved to FL for husband's academic job (UF), got myself a great job in my field (although of course lower paying), yet we are about to close on an amazing 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house in a golf cart community plus great school district 15 minutes from both of our jobs. Our HHI is 133k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are GS-14s, they should be making about $250000/yr. With student loans, a nice apt in a high end area that charges the price of a mortgage, she may be stressed.

You are an idiot spewing lies. SES taps out at $189,600.

That doesn't count annual bonuses which for some SES are $100,000. Minimum SES bonus at my agency seems to be $25,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

You are complaining about a husband who makes $200k?

Boy is my husband lucky! Some women are not easy. lol