Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

My older brother was gay (passed away at 34 in 2003). I am male and 4 years younger than him. I am so lucky to have had him in my life for many reasons. One of the most important ones was as an example of a gay man. Luckily, I naturally accepted him with open arms when he came out to me in 1991. Probably because I already knew what a wonderful person he already was and so being gay just didn't matter to me. I wish he were here now. OP, I'm not going to slam you over your comments but I will say that in the scheme of things this doesn't matter. Be grateful you have him. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a lesbian, I honestly don't get how you can be so overcome by this.

I understand your image of him has shifted, but only a few degrees and the face beside his in your fantasy is now a man's instead of a "nice girl's" (what, are we back in 1950?).

However, the fact that it took him two years to tell you tells me you have made it clear to him that you would never approve of gay people. So don't be surprised when you get 10 pages of people telling you "Yes, you're a bigot."

I always feel pain when I find out a gay/lesbian person reads a post from someone like the OP. I'm sorry that there are still such backwards people in this world and that you have to face them. It makes me sad and sick.

This.

[Anonymous]

If you are an example of your family, OP...no wonder your brother struggled so much and took so long to come out. If you and your family weren't such intolerant and ignorant people he may have been able to be true to himself earlier in life.

[Anonymous]

ugh, OP. I assume you stopped reading pages ago, but the responses I saw ranged from "you're behaving badly" to "you're awful" to "really awful" to "die, bitch." look, your brother hasn't done anything to you; he has told you who he always has been, and it has come at some cost to him. If one of my siblings came out to me, I think I'd be kind of pissed that they had lied to me for decades, but I'd also know that it was harder on them than on me. Beyond that, I can't think of a single reason for you to be upset. Picturing your brother having sex? Don't. Upset for your parents? They don't have any reason to be upset. Looking forward to him settling down with a "nice girl" and having kids? He may still settle down and have kids. He might not. But your vision of his future was never real. Find out what he wants and support that.

Call your brother. Apologize profusely. And set up a date to meet his boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad for your brother OP. He must have felt so rejected.

[Anonymous]

You can't be serious. So what if he's gay. He can still get married and have kids. I don't get why you're so upset.

[Anonymous]

Here's the deal, if you were not thinking about his sex life before you shouldn't be thinking about it now. That's one aspect of his life that doesn't affect you. He is still the same person. If he were dead you would grieve him, right?....he's not dead. He still the same as he was. Unless you suddenly feel a need to over share with him all the details of your sex life I don't understand your problem and why you fixating on this.

Please understand that his gayness is the least of his problems. Having a jerk for her sister is a way bigger problem. By the way, "phase"? Seriously? Go back to 1942.

[Anonymous]

Let's all agree to not think about our siblings or other close family members having sex. Gay or straight, it's just not a picture I want to have clearly in my head. There is an ick factor no matter who is putting what in any orifice.

OP - apologize for your awful behavior and try to be a more supportive sister. Your brother has confided his biggest secret in you and you should show him some love. I think you know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

He's your brother and the only person who should be upset is the longterm girlfriend. He cheated on her in two ways: was not hetero and in an exclusive relationship had sex with another person [female or male]. Unless he's a manho [with men or women] what's the problem with him introducing a serious relationship BF to your kids?

[Anonymous]

I have lived very happily for 41 years without imagining my brother having sex.

Also, it's really not a choice. I'm bi. I always have been, I will always be bi. I choose to be monogamous.

OP please open your eyes and join the modern world.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone called troll yet? This can't be real.

[Anonymous]

It's real. It's all too real. It's going to take another generation before people like OP finally go the way of people who bought and sold people without compunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

Yes, I do. But I need time and I am not sure about when I will be okay with meeting his boyfriend and my brother bringing my children around his boyfriend. I am also not sure if I can help with my parents. I honestly shake at the thought of being part of that conversation. They will cry so hard and I will just want to disappear. I wish he had not chosen this lifestyle or that he had eased us into the news. I do not agree with this stance that gays can drop the news however and whenever they want and we all just have to immediately become cheerleaders. The approach matters.

You're adorable for thinking he chose this.

And so how could he have made this easier for you? Not being snarky. Wondering how he could have eased you into this news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me your brother's phone number and email address. I am an excellent little sister and come from a nonjudgmental family.

We will adopt him. It will be an open adoption - you can visit whenever you'd like as long as he's open to it. We will welcome him and his partner to all family gatherings. We will consider their children (if they chose to grow their family) nieces, nephews, cousins and grandchildren.

He will be loved and taken care of. My parents will treat his partner as their son-in-law, which for them, means treating him like another son.

We can take him today.

I'm not reading through all these pages because I don't know how much OP can be helped past her prejudices and stuck-ness towards remembering that all the things she loved about her brother are still true of her brother. Unless of course she loved his sexual relationship with women, which if she did, well that's a whole other uncomfortable/awkward discussion on its own (cuz, he is your BROTHER so yuck!).

That said, I love the PP's post here. PP I doubt OP ever responded to you, but this is the way to approach the conversation. Nicely put, and maybe you'll cross paths with OP's brother somehow and be able to offer him the love and focus on the fact that he's happy that OP is incapable of giving him. OP doens't get that she doesn't have to love his orientation or cheerlead it. But he's her brother... she should be able to talk to him about it and at least acknowledge the fact that he's been living a lie and it's healthier to be able to be yourself.

Thanks for your post PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As someone with a gay brother you sound awful. A good sister would be happy that he's so happy. He's better off without you. Let's hope your kids aren't gay!

As someone else with a gay brother, you are not awful. You are having very natural feelings for something that was a shock to you. Read lots of books. It will take time, but you will accept this.