Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

My gay friend eventually killed himself years ago, his family never accepted him. I don't see how or who your brother has sex with is your business. I really hope he is a strong support network away from you and your hate.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine caring about which person my sibling dated beyond caring if that person was a good fit for my sibling and treated him well. You are a real piece of work. And by real piece of work, I mean nasty person. Your brother is better off without you if you can't get your self together. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Op I hope to all the gods that you are a troll.

You are a shameful sister who could only look up to her brother when he behaved as you thought he should.
Now that he comes out as a gay man, you are ready to discard him. His sexual preference makes no difference to his love for his family or change the person he is and has always been. He only kept this hidden since he was raised in a clearly intolerant and homophobic family.

[Anonymous]

I'm hoping my kids don't go to school with your kids. I wouldn't want them spewing your hate and my kids hearing it.

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother did not choose to be gay. Please seek counseling so you can love your brother the way he deserves to be loved.

[Anonymous]

OP go to therapy. -straight woman who's glad your not my sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

What are you hurt about? Because he doesn't sleep with women? How does that affect you?

I'm not going to call you bigot, etc., but I will tell you that you could be doing irreparable harm to your relationship.

I think that you should be proud and thrilled that he was finally willing to trust you with the truth of who he is.

I think she is hurt because if you read her post, she goes on about how she didn't know x and y. I think she thought she was was in an honest relationship with her DB and now she realizes so much of it was a lie. Sort of like, if you found your DH was lying to you, then the trust comes into question.

I think, OP, you need to separate the gay thing from the lying thing. Deal with the lying thing, work that out with him. The gay thing will fall into place after that.

Now with respect to the lying thing, I just want to say, as you said, he is very close to you. Therefore, he probably had a sense of how you would react, so the lying was going on while he was trying to sort out his sexual orientation. It is understandable, because in the end it's NOT a DH-DW situation, you and he are in a loving, platonic, sibling relationship.

There is one other thing, and that is this sort of thing causes one to question their own self, their own ability to assess a situation--since you never suspected, OP, you may feel bad about your cluelessness or lack of suspicion, and also feel a little foolish. Try to let that go.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

I couldn't bring myself to hold "lying" against someone who is reluctant to come out because the hate and prejudice they're looking at is just too bloody obvious.

When my best friend finally came out to me I was so happy he felt comfortable enough and trusted our friendship enough to no longer keep this secret it never occurred to me to take issue with any "lies" he might have told to cover up his sexuality.

OP I really hope you're a troll (as your insistence on your own "pain" suggests). If not, please get professional help. This reaction is precisely why your brother felt he needed to "lie" to you all these years in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, this is probably not a troll. I've known too many people who think this way. They appear to be perfectly nice people, but they're bigoted, ignorant, and terrified about people who love people of the same sex.

If someone's religion condemns a gay person to hell or recommends punishing/killing them, it's hard to convince them to think of the gay person's happiness. Still, OP, give it a try. Take a chance and open your eyes.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP os not reading this. Most of you are being pretty harsh.

OP, I really have no clue how I would feel if my sibling came out to me but I hope that you find peace and comfort in the many years you ywo have enjoyed in the past and find a way to move forward. Family is priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As someone with a gay brother you sound awful. A good sister would be happy that he's so happy. He's better off without you. Let's hope your kids aren't gay!

THIS

[Anonymous]

My biggest regret in life is when I had the same reaction you had when my best friend came out to me in college. It ruined a dear friendship and she spent months in therapy after her friends and family rejected her. She's now in a happy same sex marriage and I wish I could take my intolerance and harsh words back but I did lasting damage. Don't make the same mistake I did, you will regret losing the relationship and you are being cruel to someone you say you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As someone with a gay brother you sound awful. A good sister would be happy that he's so happy. He's better off without you. Let's hope your kids aren't gay!

As someone with a brother, I have a hard time seeing how him sharing his happiness is a problem. That he couldn't share it with you earlier, okay, that would hurt my feelings. But you aren't upset that he didn't trust you earlier, you are upset that your parents' only son is gay?!! Girl. Seriously?

My heart goes out to your brother and the man he had sitting at the bar to meet you. You behaved atrociously. Rude rude rude.

[Anonymous]

So instead of bringing home a nice girl and getting married, he's bringing home a nice boy.

What difference does it make? I don't get this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I hope to all the gods that you are a troll.

You are a shameful sister who could only look up to her brother when he behaved as you thought he should.
Now that he comes out as a gay man, you are ready to discard him. His sexual preference makes no difference to his love for his family or change the person he is and has always been. He only kept this hidden since he was raised in a clearly intolerant and homophobic family.

She is. the worst kind.