In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

It's definitely Double Dutch. Your feet get tangled in those ropes and it becomes a very dangerous game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fox hunting.

Most people learn how to fox hunt in their 20s. A few in their early 40s but not many.

Umm, no. I started at 11 and most of my friends were born with a seasoned hunt pony already waiting in the barn.

If your family hunts you hunt.

Umm, I started at age 4. I said most people, not all people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--

Here's the concise version of your post.
--I enjoy something
--my in laws don't like me enough to invite me to do it
--(subtext: I can't afford to do it without them)
--they've invited my kids to do it
--I need to find a reason to deny my kids this fun thing because I'm hurt it wasn't offered to me
--how about "my in laws will teach bad values?" Does that work.

Short answer -- don't deny your kids something they might enjoy because you're jealous.

Disagree. I do think there is more of an outright power struggle than op is admitting, but they were disrespectful of her. I would totally blow them off.

Me, too. If you can't treat the mother of your grandchildren with respect, then you are out of luck. I'm not sending my kids to hang out with people who aren't respectful to me.

Then you have a few children and the inlaws are all about indoctrinating them to this thing, their way, and in a stunning show, are still not interested in having you join. As in they say repeatedly, "let me take your children and for x, it will be great", without ever extending an invitation to you.

For the first time, this feels extremely uncomfortable to me

To me, OP sounds teeth clenching angry and hurt about this and does not want to let it show, or let other people she knows who read DCUM find out. Whatever it is, I would not let my inlaws treat me disrespectfully in front of my kids. No elite sport would be worth that to me. And OP does not seem that interested in the children pursuing that sport/ activity. I think either horses, golf at a club, or skiing from your own place at the resort. Or something really mundane like dance or soccer. There are show off snobs in all sports and activities.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Can't believe where this thread has gone! I will answer a couple of things... but wow , people.

And NO, I am not actually mentioning the sport, because as others have noted, it is just too small a town.

I am trying not to read into these responses as they stand, but I feel sort of outed as it is. I don't need to create more problems via gossip around my already somewhat gossipy in laws. Argh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--

Here's the concise version of your post.
--I enjoy something
--my in laws don't like me enough to invite me to do it
--(subtext: I can't afford to do it without them)
--they've invited my kids to do it
--I need to find a reason to deny my kids this fun thing because I'm hurt it wasn't offered to me
--how about "my in laws will teach bad values?" Does that work.

Short answer -- don't deny your kids something they might enjoy because you're jealous.

Disagree. I do think there is more of an outright power struggle than op is admitting, but they were disrespectful of her. I would totally blow them off.

Me, too. If you can't treat the mother of your grandchildren with respect, then you are out of luck. I'm not sending my kids to hang out with people who aren't respectful to me.

Then you have a few children and the inlaws are all about indoctrinating them to this thing, their way, and in a stunning show, are still not interested in having you join. As in they say repeatedly, "let me take your children and for x, it will be great", without ever extending an invitation to you.

For the first time, this feels extremely uncomfortable to me

To me, OP sounds teeth clenching angry and hurt about this and does not want to let it show, or let other people she knows who read DCUM find out. Whatever it is, I would not let my inlaws treat me disrespectfully in front of my kids. No elite sport would be worth that to me. And OP does not seem that interested in the children pursuing that sport/ activity. I think either horses, golf at a club, or skiing from your own place at the resort. Or something really mundane like dance or soccer. There are show off snobs in all sports and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most fascinating part of the OP's thoroughly opaque question is this:

"My family had piecemealed all of this together in something of an embarrasing way, I now realize"

Did her family used to sneak into the golf course/stables/marina at night and golf/ride/sail using other peoples' clubs/horses/boats? That would really be something.

I am fascinated by this comment too. I am thinking they used the wrong breed of horse on the polo field.

I think it was more along the lines of things looking fine from the outside, but the barn was probably half falling apart and the ponies were leased out when they weren't using them, etc. Something she only realized after the fact.

Op here, you hit it on the nose. We didn't lease the ponies, but yes, the barn was a fire hazard and should have been torn down way earlier than it was. We had old saddles, etc. That is what I meant. We weren't geared up in the way my in laws would consider proper, and we fixed our own bridles. Stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

OP is definitely hurt. Even though she claimed in another post she doesn't care that much.

I would let my kids do the activity with their grandparents- unless it is truly dangerous and then let them know a parent needs to come along. I agree with others that they may be uncomfortable inviting you without DH,since he isn't interested, no invite for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually coming around to thinking it is something so mundane as golf, OP just considers herself above courses that are open to the public (you know, the piecemeal way her family cobbled it together growing up), and is offended that her in-laws don't think she's good enough for their chichi country club.

That makes sense, but then what does the comment about just doing it in a mellow seasonal way mean? Do the in-laws play winter golf in a climate controlled environment?

It means that if my family were to engage in this activity, we would do it sparingly, as in once a week at most, for three months, not everyday/ all year.. If I were left to my own devices, without the influence of my in laws, this would be our course of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--

Here's the concise version of your post.
--I enjoy something
--my in laws don't like me enough to invite me to do it
--(subtext: I can't afford to do it without them)
--they've invited my kids to do it
--I need to find a reason to deny my kids this fun thing because I'm hurt it wasn't offered to me
--how about "my in laws will teach bad values?" Does that work.

Short answer -- don't deny your kids something they might enjoy because you're jealous.

Nope, sorry. Op here. I understand this is an easy interpretation, but its not that simple.

It is true we could not afford to do it at the level they do on our own; we also have no desire to do this activity. I don't like the idea of exposing my children to something in a way that creates dissonance over a number of issues such as our lifestyle, which is modest, the people involved in this sport, respect for me, and several other issues. Over this particular issue, my in laws are allllllllllllllllllll about the status stuff. That is what kills it for me. If they haad taken a different approach, and were more relaxed about it, and had included me even once or twice, I would be totally okay with it. But there are just too many issues, and we as a family feel it would be unhealthy to do with our children. My husband finds it gross and does not want our children to participate at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually coming around to thinking it is something so mundane as golf, OP just considers herself above courses that are open to the public (you know, the piecemeal way her family cobbled it together growing up), and is offended that her in-laws don't think she's good enough for their chichi country club.

That makes sense, but then what does the comment about just doing it in a mellow seasonal way mean? Do the in-laws play winter golf in a climate controlled environment?

It means that if my family were to engage in this activity, we would do it sparingly, as in once a week at most, for three months, not everyday/ all year.. If I were left to my own devices, without the influence of my in laws, this would be our course of action.

Op here, but allow me to add that my husband would not be on board with this, so I have never truly considered it. I have other battles to fight in terms of the types of activities we embrace as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband finds it gross and does not want our children to participate at all.

Easy peasy. It's his parents, and he has qualms about the activity. Don't have them participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband finds it gross and does not want our children to participate at all.

Easy peasy. It's his parents, and he has qualms about the activity. Don't have them participate.

Meant to add: and blame him. "Oh, dear MIL and FIL, you know I adored Activity X all throughout my childhood. But DH, your son, just can't stomach it anymore, so we'll have to decline. Perhaps we can all play bingo/go bowling/play hangman instead?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is definitely hurt. Even though she claimed in another post she doesn't care that much.

I would let my kids do the activity with their grandparents- unless it is truly dangerous and then let them know a parent needs to come along. I agree with others that they may be uncomfortable inviting you without DH,since he isn't interested, no invite for you.

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP! I grew up in semi-rural California and my best friends family is super horsey ranchers and basically design their financial lives around being able to do horse stuff despite the fact that they are not rich. I can't imagine how they would deal with frou frou east coasters who think it has to do with gear and clothing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--

Here's the concise version of your post.
--I enjoy something
--my in laws don't like me enough to invite me to do it
--(subtext: I can't afford to do it without them)
--they've invited my kids to do it
--I need to find a reason to deny my kids this fun thing because I'm hurt it wasn't offered to me
--how about "my in laws will teach bad values?" Does that work.

Short answer -- don't deny your kids something they might enjoy because you're jealous.

Disagree. I do think there is more of an outright power struggle than op is admitting, but they were disrespectful of her. I would totally blow them off.

Me, too. If you can't treat the mother of your grandchildren with respect, then you are out of luck. I'm not sending my kids to hang out with people who aren't respectful to me.

We don't know how OP's in-laws treat her other than this. For all we know, they're perfectly nice to her. It's possible, though, that they enjoy having something they share directly with the grandchildren to bond with them, rather than it always being filtered through the parents.

We also don't know OP's role in this. It's entirely possible that it's better for everyone to keep the activity separate, and that's why OP's husband isn't backing her on limiting access to the grandparents.

Yes, he is, and in fact it was his idea. We just haven't dealt with it, and it keeps coming up here and there. I was waiting hoping at some point it would be a more natural conversation, or that we could resolve things and do this together, etc.