In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP! I grew up in semi-rural California and my best friends family is super horsey ranchers and basically design their financial lives around being able to do horse stuff despite the fact that they are not rich. I can't imagine how they would deal with frou frou east coasters who think it has to do with gear and clothing!

ya, so for them it is about having the right kind of gear, **at the right AGE** (it can't be new, it has to be very old but properly maintained, and they will hunt down used things second hand rather than buy them new for this reason) plus JUST right type of outdated techniques / "style" of performing a particular move. Similar to raising your pinky finger when you drink tea. Not only do people NO LONGER do that, but many of the people who do are wanna be posers. But they love this sort of ^%@#: "look at me, we do things the way others have wanted to imitate for generations! tally ho! "

THAT is what I do not want to teach my children. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I felt guilty about it, but now I don't.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe croquet?

Bullying via croquet. LOL.

It worked for the Heathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP! I grew up in semi-rural California and my best friends family is super horsey ranchers and basically design their financial lives around being able to do horse stuff despite the fact that they are not rich. I can't imagine how they would deal with frou frou east coasters who think it has to do with gear and clothing!

ya, so for them it is about having the right kind of gear, **at the right AGE** (it can't be new, it has to be very old but properly maintained, and they will hunt down used things second hand rather than buy them new for this reason) plus JUST right type of outdated techniques / "style" of performing a particular move. Similar to raising your pinky finger when you drink tea. Not only do people NO LONGER do that, but many of the people who do are wanna be posers. But they love this sort of ^%@#: "look at me, we do things the way others have wanted to imitate for generations! tally ho! "

THAT is what I do not want to teach my children. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I felt guilty about it, but now I don't.

Thank you.

Op here again just to give an example: they will troll classifieds for a YEAR if need be to find a very particular piece of equipment, but then once they have it, they casually pretend its always been part of their gear, perhaps used by an illustrious relative, etc. Whereas I might say, OMG, yeah, isnt that gorgeous, they don't make them like this anymore and I felt really lucky to find this after some effort (although max i would put in is a couple of random searches over lunch over a month, and then it would be off to the store or catalogue for me)

The level of pretense is just tremendous.

[Anonymous]

OP, your in-laws have far bigger issues than whether your kids join them in their "hobby." I get now from your details that they are mostly poseurs who might actually put your kids in physical danger because this isn't a real hobby sport for in-laws and they don't have the true skills. The quotation marks make sense now. Let them make fools of themselves without your kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws have far bigger issues than whether your kids join them in their "hobby." I get now from your details that they are mostly poseurs who might actually put your kids in physical danger because this isn't a real hobby sport for in-laws and they don't have the true skills. The quotation marks make sense now. Let them make fools of themselves without your kids in tow.

They have the true skills, but they are very sugar coated with the past. Trying to pass down something from their history while excluding me, bc maybe my posting (or whatever, isnt literally ANY technique) isn't "circa 1900 Vanderbilt style"

We don't live in Middleburg, nor will we ever, and we are really not in a position to pour the time into it needed for our children to be part of that, nor do we want to. short of living on a farm, I don't see that it would be an enjoyable activity for our kids.

I guess I put it in quotes because it is closer to an obsession for them, and has a ton of baggage attached to it. As someone wrote way back, it is tied to their identity, especially social identity.

[Anonymous]

OMG you are totally cutting your nose off to spite your face if you are going to forbid your kids from taking part in an expensive and difficult sport with their grandparents because you think they are too "snobby" about it. You've made plenty of nasty comments about their "coarse" relatives, etc that indicate you are just as class-conscious.

Maybe your in-laws are shallow and pretentious. Big deal. They are still your kids' grandparents and you could be the bigger person by looking past their flaws to make sure that your kids have a good relationship with them. You are the one who will shape their value system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband finds it gross and does not want our children to participate at all.

Easy peasy. It's his parents, and he has qualms about the activity. Don't have them participate.

Meant to add: and blame him. "Oh, dear MIL and FIL, you know I adored Activity X all throughout my childhood. But DH, your son, just can't stomach it anymore, so we'll have to decline. Perhaps we can all play bingo/go bowling/play hangman instead?"

Op here, not to gloat, but ahhh, totally loving the bowling reference. I might have to work that in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG you are totally cutting your nose off to spite your face if you are going to forbid your kids from taking part in an expensive and difficult sport with their grandparents because you think they are too "snobby" about it. You've made plenty of nasty comments about their "coarse" relatives, etc that indicate you are just as class-conscious.

Maybe your in-laws are shallow and pretentious. Big deal. They are still your kids' grandparents and you could be the bigger person by looking past their flaws to make sure that your kids have a good relationship with them. You are the one who will shape their value system.

No, I disagree. Its simply not relevant, and would require a MAJOR time commitment from me, as well as financial outlays. Our budget does not support it. My husband does not support it. I was willing to have my children involved a littel because they are so craxy about it, but talking through all of this makes me feel more confident that it can be a once in a while thing.

There are plenty of other activities they can do. THey also will have other grandchildren to paste this obsession onto if those parents are receptive. My husband and I are not.

My point regarding the coarse relatives is simply that they act like Rockefellers when plenty of close family members are lower middle class. I don't care if you think that makes me class conscious, I am just pointing out their hilarious pretension and class-obsession.

[Anonymous]

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

Heaven forbid! Look, at bottom this is pretty simple. You don't like these people. They don't seem to like you. Your husband doesn't want the kids to do the activity, and you don't want them to either, so that's that. They'll have to form a relationship with their grandparents through other activities, as you said, and that's fine. But you need to stop obsessing about your in laws and their behavior, it isn't healthy.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

Heaven forbid! Look, at bottom this is pretty simple. You don't like these people. They don't seem to like you. Your husband doesn't want the kids to do the activity, and you don't want them to either, so that's that. They'll have to form a relationship with their grandparents through other activities, as you said, and that's fine. But you need to stop obsessing about your in laws and their behavior, it isn't healthy.

Outside of this particular activity, we get along just fine. We spend plenty of time with them. I am not obsessing about their behavior, was simply trying to answer some of the questions that were asked. FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

yeah. pretty much.... This is how relevant I feel this other activity is to my kids. Thanks for posting this. Helpful reminder.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I think your post was a vent about how annoying your ILs are about this. I grew up on a farm in southeast Virginia and we rode our horses to check the fences and our cattle. We also did team penning, reining, and barrel racing through 4H, local rodeos, and the state fair. I'm not worried about outing myself because I don't live in the DCUM area anymore. I'm just saying that we were really really good riders. But the poseurs that join the hunts up there are reeeeallly annoying. Besides, as you know it can be dangerous unless your kids are already good riders and can completely handle their pony if a crazy situation happens.