In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all the previous replies but this has to be about sailing. If your on a sailboat, you have to be willing to take orders. You also can't be a ninny. Sounds like OP is a bad crew member. Personality plays a huge role in whether you want a person in your crew. Children are malleable and can be told what to do on a boat and do it without question.

Hmmmm interesting analogy. It actually does resemble the power dynamic at play here.

She doesn't sound like she's interested in being the in-laws' "crew" and taking their orders, more of having an authentic relationship separate from the bs. Also sounds like she doesn't want them ordering her children around and being indoctrinated.

They sound like the ninnies in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to know the name of the sport but it's hard to tell what the real issue is because you haven't adequately identified what the issues are. If your ILs have otherwise been including you and your DH in activities and are a welcomed member of the family, I have no problem with them wanting to do something 'special' with the grandkids - and just them. However, if your ILs have a practice of excluding you or condescending, you have an IL problem and I would never encourage a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me. And, in the case of the latter, you just don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

I would also do as a PP suggested and ask:

"I'm curious, Bert/Bertha, why you never invited me all this years, yet now you want to invite the children? You know I grew up around polo, don't you?".

OP here, this is really it for me. It has nothing to do with the sport, although for whatever reasons they mind their manners in most scenarios, with this particular activity they are strangled with conceit. It does not have to do with class differences, many members of their extended family struggle financially and are quite coarse.

For the record, I have asked that question. They have never been able to respond. It's just weird.

That, in itself, is a response. They don't like you, it seems, but have been polite over the years. They love their grandchildren and want to do things with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to know the name of the sport but it's hard to tell what the real issue is because you haven't adequately identified what the issues are. If your ILs have otherwise been including you and your DH in activities and are a welcomed member of the family, I have no problem with them wanting to do something 'special' with the grandkids - and just them. However, if your ILs have a practice of excluding you or condescending, you have an IL problem and I would never encourage a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me. And, in the case of the latter, you just don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

I would also do as a PP suggested and ask:

"I'm curious, Bert/Bertha, why you never invited me all this years, yet now you want to invite the children? You know I grew up around polo, don't you?".

OP here, this is really it for me. It has nothing to do with the sport, although for whatever reasons they mind their manners in most scenarios, with this particular activity they are strangled with conceit. It does not have to do with class differences, many members of their extended family struggle financially and are quite coarse.

For the record, I have asked that question. They have never been able to respond. It's just weird.

That, in itself, is a response. They don't like you, it seems, but have been polite over the years. They love their grandchildren and want to do things with them.

Yeah being superficially polite at times and grossly rude at others is a great way to make sure you have as little relationship as possible with grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here. I was speechless to see what happened on here. I agree that my vague language caused it, I'll try to explain a little more. Initially I didn't want to mention "the sport" bc I thought it would just cause distraction over the perceived socio-economic nature of it. I didn't want to cause a flame war. But I had no idea there were a bunch of equestrians on here, and it seems I caused one anyway. Also, just to note, I'm writing this out of gratitude, bc I was confused and getting it all out helped a lot. Not defensiveness, or to respond to individual postings.

I came to this board with an in-law problem, or really a set of circumstances. It hasn't been a problem for the most part, other than me feeling hurt privately, which for the most part I handle well. Was I being a big cry baby? Yes.

However, the main issue is that our family has a big decision coming up. I needed to resolve some of this stuff that I have ignored internally, and just not dealt with, before we make that decision. I think that is why it also came off as contradictory.

So: We have found two neighborhoods that we like and we have to decide where we are going to focus our efforts. One is about 20 minutes from our relatives, and one is 45 minutes further away than we currently live from them.

Btw these two areas there are a few differences, schools and commutes are better with the second, closer-in location; houses are bigger with the first location further out ?closer to them. We may have another child, so we were really weighing these options bc a bigger house would be better from that regard. In theory, I also like the idea of being closer to family. But if we moved closer to these in laws, a lot of this stuff would suddenly become a bigger deal for me on a daily basis, and either the issue would be forced and it would work out, or it wouldn't. I

It wasn't fox hunting, per se. It is an assortment of equestrian sports, esp competitive ones. They do a lot of these activities at different times of the years, the training for them, and in different combinations of relatives, which is why it sounded like they are doing it constantly. Polo, fox hunting, racing (mulitple types) dressage, etc. Now, as for me, I don't have the training and specialized skills for these things. I am not particularly interested in them or I would have been more aggressive about developing one or two sets of skills and essentially inviting myself. But since there are other issues, namely that I don't like the environment and the accepted behaviors within this group of people (it is just a cultural difference), I haven't pursued it. But yes, the fact that they have had to be so exclusive about it, and couldn't even do something more "my level" offends me privately. I think I do need to address the issue though, that much is clear, so I'm not carrying around resentment.

I grew up riding in a more casual, Western fashion, with bi-weekly lessons on the more proper English style. That is something a lot of people do, hobbyists, enthusiasts, etc. I don't like to think of myself as an ex-hobbyist, more of an enthusiast, since we had horses at home, and love those memories, but I also don't consider myself anything along the lines of their level, an "Equestrian" with a capital E and all its finery.

My DH's relatives live to show, and they have a very well-appointed set up, complete with visiting trainers to work out the horses, and some pretty special grounds, etc. This is not going to last, as the land has already started to be chopped up and sold.
In the mean time, there are plenty of family members nearby, and as someone mentioned, when your family hunts, you hunt, so there are lots of events, and not only would my children be drawn into some of this, as a family we would likely go to a lot of events to be supportive and members of this community. It would change my lifestyle tremendously, on a day to day basis and be a major category in our budget.

So on one level I was trying to think purely of my kids, their inclinations. And then combine that with our other constraints (time, finances, the "opportunity cost" this would represent (they wouldn't be doing travel soccer, etc which my son shows signs of wanting to do) I was also grappling with, do I let my kids miss out on this as a lifestyle thing, to really be in the thick of it, with their extended fam, if they want to? It is special. And yes, I was also being petty, thinking do I really want to do this when I've had a fairly crappy experience regarding this myself, and trying to find a good boundary with all of that.

Or do I stick with what I know, and let them enjoy an occasional ride with their grandparents?. (Sorry to freak people out with notions of untrained children fox hunting occasionally) Our three kids ride well, take lessons, and have for five years but it is more of a life skill than a passion for them.

So we'll be sticking with our close-in location, and keeping things sort of where they are.

Maybe this helps.

Looking back, a lot of my posts were an immature rant about my in laws and my perceived slights. But I'd rather do that here than over a few glasses of wine later at Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean.

Bye!

If you don't have the skill or the inclination to get develop the skills, why should they do remedial for you? I still don't get that part. This is really a big whine. THEY WON'T DUMB IT DOWN FOR MEEEEEEE.

As for the kids, if they aren't interested then obviously you let them express that to their grandparents and then you and your husband back it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to know the name of the sport but it's hard to tell what the real issue is because you haven't adequately identified what the issues are. If your ILs have otherwise been including you and your DH in activities and are a welcomed member of the family, I have no problem with them wanting to do something 'special' with the grandkids - and just them. However, if your ILs have a practice of excluding you or condescending, you have an IL problem and I would never encourage a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me. And, in the case of the latter, you just don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

I would also do as a PP suggested and ask:

"I'm curious, Bert/Bertha, why you never invited me all this years, yet now you want to invite the children? You know I grew up around polo, don't you?".

OP here, this is really it for me. It has nothing to do with the sport, although for whatever reasons they mind their manners in most scenarios, with this particular activity they are strangled with conceit. It does not have to do with class differences, many members of their extended family struggle financially and are quite coarse.

For the record, I have asked that question. They have never been able to respond. It's just weird.

That, in itself, is a response. They don't like you, it seems, but have been polite over the years. They love their grandchildren and want to do things with them.

Yeah being superficially polite at times and grossly rude at others is a great way to make sure you have as little relationship as possible with grandchildren.

My mother and grandmother (dad's mom) never liked each other. They why of it, I don't know, but it was obvious to me even as a kid. But neither of them ever talked ill of the other and my mother never prevented my brother and I from having a relationship with my grandmother. She even said that if something were to happen to her and my dad, she would want my grandmother to take us because of all our relatives, she knew how much she loved and cared for us, and would move heaven and earth to make sure we grew up to be great people and have great lives. Sometimes people don't like the mates and family members of their loved ones. It happens. Adults figure out how to work around that when children are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to know the name of the sport but it's hard to tell what the real issue is because you haven't adequately identified what the issues are. If your ILs have otherwise been including you and your DH in activities and are a welcomed member of the family, I have no problem with them wanting to do something 'special' with the grandkids - and just them. However, if your ILs have a practice of excluding you or condescending, you have an IL problem and I would never encourage a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me. And, in the case of the latter, you just don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

I would also do as a PP suggested and ask:

"I'm curious, Bert/Bertha, why you never invited me all this years, yet now you want to invite the children? You know I grew up around polo, don't you?".

OP here, this is really it for me. It has nothing to do with the sport, although for whatever reasons they mind their manners in most scenarios, with this particular activity they are strangled with conceit. It does not have to do with class differences, many members of their extended family struggle financially and are quite coarse.

For the record, I have asked that question. They have never been able to respond. It's just weird.

That, in itself, is a response. They don't like you, it seems, but have been polite over the years. They love their grandchildren and want to do things with them.

Yeah being superficially polite at times and grossly rude at others is a great way to make sure you have as little relationship as possible with grandchildren.

My mother and grandmother (dad's mom) never liked each other. They why of it, I don't know, but it was obvious to me even as a kid. But neither of them ever talked ill of the other and my mother never prevented my brother and I from having a relationship with my grandmother. She even said that if something were to happen to her and my dad, she would want my grandmother to take us because of all our relatives, she knew how much she loved and cared for us, and would move heaven and earth to make sure we grew up to be great people and have great lives. Sometimes people don't like the mates and family members of their loved ones. It happens. Adults figure out how to work around that when children are involved.

Different situation when there is disrespectful behavior though, especially to the mother in front of her children. They pick up on it very quickly.

None of this is relevant to the original thread but just goes to show how messy all of these issues can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider fox hunting a "sport."

I don't ride but have a couple of friends of modest means who do fox hunting w bassets ... I'd bet you're not in good enough shape to participate in a day's activity at the "non-sport" of fox hunting.

I doubt that PP was referring the effort involved, rather to the cruelty of chasing a fox on horseback and then killing it. I'm sure there's a lot of effort involved. It's not a sport, though.

Yes, that's right.

[Anonymous]

The latest post from OP reminds me of that one poster who posts the lengthy relationship posts--same writing style. Does anyone know who I am talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The latest post from OP reminds me of that one poster who posts the lengthy relationship posts--same writing style. Does anyone know who I am talking about?

Do you mean our bobcat poacher girl or the troll that makes up bad relationship stories?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The latest post from OP reminds me of that one poster who posts the lengthy relationship posts--same writing style. Does anyone know who I am talking about?

Do you mean our bobcat poacher girl or the troll that makes up bad relationship stories?

Not the bobcat poacher girl, but the bad relationship stories. Very similar vocabulary and florid writing style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here. I was speechless to see what happened on here. I agree that my vague language caused it, I'll try to explain a little more. Initially I didn't want to mention "the sport" bc I thought it would just cause distraction over the perceived socio-economic nature of it. I didn't want to cause a flame war. But I had no idea there were a bunch of equestrians on here, and it seems I caused one anyway. Also, just to note, I'm writing this out of gratitude, bc I was confused and getting it all out helped a lot. Not defensiveness, or to respond to individual postings.

I came to this board with an in-law problem, or really a set of circumstances. It hasn't been a problem for the most part, other than me feeling hurt privately, which for the most part I handle well. Was I being a big cry baby? Yes.

However, the main issue is that our family has a big decision coming up. I needed to resolve some of this stuff that I have ignored internally, and just not dealt with, before we make that decision. I think that is why it also came off as contradictory.

So: We have found two neighborhoods that we like and we have to decide where we are going to focus our efforts. One is about 20 minutes from our relatives, and one is 45 minutes further away than we currently live from them.

Btw these two areas there are a few differences, schools and commutes are better with the second, closer-in location; houses are bigger with the first location further out ?closer to them. We may have another child, so we were really weighing these options bc a bigger house would be better from that regard. In theory, I also like the idea of being closer to family. But if we moved closer to these in laws, a lot of this stuff would suddenly become a bigger deal for me on a daily basis, and either the issue would be forced and it would work out, or it wouldn't. I

It wasn't fox hunting, per se. It is an assortment of equestrian sports, esp competitive ones. They do a lot of these activities at different times of the years, the training for them, and in different combinations of relatives, which is why it sounded like they are doing it constantly. Polo, fox hunting, racing (mulitple types) dressage, etc. Now, as for me, I don't have the training and specialized skills for these things. I am not particularly interested in them or I would have been more aggressive about developing one or two sets of skills and essentially inviting myself. But since there are other issues, namely that I don't like the environment and the accepted behaviors within this group of people (it is just a cultural difference), I haven't pursued it. But yes, the fact that they have had to be so exclusive about it, and couldn't even do something more "my level" offends me privately. I think I do need to address the issue though, that much is clear, so I'm not carrying around resentment.

I grew up riding in a more casual, Western fashion, with bi-weekly lessons on the more proper English style. That is something a lot of people do, hobbyists, enthusiasts, etc. I don't like to think of myself as an ex-hobbyist, more of an enthusiast, since we had horses at home, and love those memories, but I also don't consider myself anything along the lines of their level, an "Equestrian" with a capital E and all its finery.

My DH's relatives live to show, and they have a very well-appointed set up, complete with visiting trainers to work out the horses, and some pretty special grounds, etc. This is not going to last, as the land has already started to be chopped up and sold.
In the mean time, there are plenty of family members nearby, and as someone mentioned, when your family hunts, you hunt, so there are lots of events, and not only would my children be drawn into some of this, as a family we would likely go to a lot of events to be supportive and members of this community. It would change my lifestyle tremendously, on a day to day basis and be a major category in our budget.

So on one level I was trying to think purely of my kids, their inclinations. And then combine that with our other constraints (time, finances, the "opportunity cost" this would represent (they wouldn't be doing travel soccer, etc which my son shows signs of wanting to do) I was also grappling with, do I let my kids miss out on this as a lifestyle thing, to really be in the thick of it, with their extended fam, if they want to? It is special. And yes, I was also being petty, thinking do I really want to do this when I've had a fairly crappy experience regarding this myself, and trying to find a good boundary with all of that.

Or do I stick with what I know, and let them enjoy an occasional ride with their grandparents?. (Sorry to freak people out with notions of untrained children fox hunting occasionally) Our three kids ride well, take lessons, and have for five years but it is more of a life skill than a passion for them.

So we'll be sticking with our close-in location, and keeping things sort of where they are.

Maybe this helps.

Looking back, a lot of my posts were an immature rant about my in laws and my perceived slights. But I'd rather do that here than over a few glasses of wine later at Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean.

Bye!

If you don't have the skill or the inclination to get develop the skills, why should they do remedial for you? I still don't get that part. This is really a big whine. THEY WON'T DUMB IT DOWN FOR MEEEEEEE.

As for the kids, if they aren't interested then obviously you let them express that to their grandparents and then you and your husband back it up.

As someone who comes from a big family, and has seen the in-law thing work well and not so well....If the married spouse is saying, "hey, we sort of have this in common, let's do it!" and the family is saying, "oh, ..... that is dumbing it down too much for us to consider" you are sending a very clear message to the spouse that they are not your equal. It sounds like a message that was unspoken, but is too obvious to ignore on this one issue.It is a dangerous message to send, especially if otherwise the family has made some degree of effort to not alienate the spouse. The spouse is picking up on it.

In our family it happened to the first two who got married, they married people who had some things in common with "us" and we PILED ON them for the minor differences, until our siblings stepped in and managed the situation, the original spouses no longer cared, and created much more distance with our family. As the rest of us got married, the strife this type of behaviour caused had created enough pain that people were wiser. Furthermore, younger siblings, including myself, married people who didn't even have this stuff in common with our family of origin, one came out of the closet, and the final one married someone who did have the stuff in common but were also horrible drug addicts and cheaters, so it became even funnier how mean we were to the first two. Chill out and be nice. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fox hunting.

Most people learn how to fox hunt in their 20s. A few in their early 40s but not many.

Umm, no. I started at 11 and most of my friends were born with a seasoned hunt pony already waiting in the barn.

If your family hunts you hunt.

Umm, I started at age 4. I said most people, not all people.

I grew up on a horse farm, and I was a Pony Clubber. Fox Hunting etiquette and terminology are taught at Pony Club and are intrinsic to Pony Club culture/history (I remember when our Pony Club leader taught me, at about 6 years of age, that the little metal d rings on English saddles are for attaching "hunting appointments"; my first grade teacher thought this was hilarious when I explained this to her as I described a drawing in class). Many children start Pony Club when they are 4 or 5 and continue through high school. Our Pony Club attended drag hunts (we were affiliated with a local hunt club), and I was about 7 on my first time out. I don't know anyone who "learned" to fox hunt in their 20s. I guess that would be for people who didn't grow up with horses? In any case, "most" of the horse people I know who hunt learned well before they were in their 20s.

Another former Pony Clubber here. My first "real" hunt (with the Hillsboro Hounds, for those who know hunting) I was 12, I think. It's not something you generally learn late in life, although I suppose it's possible. I moved on to Eventing, and then back to dressage when I decided I was too breakable at current age.

Anyway, OP is spectacularly full of $h!t, and weirdly entitled to think a family of foxhunters should come up with something for her to do, especially since her husband doesn't like it. SMH. Wish my inlaws liked it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fox hunting.

Most people learn how to fox hunt in their 20s. A few in their early 40s but not many.

Umm, no. I started at 11 and most of my friends were born with a seasoned hunt pony already waiting in the barn.

If your family hunts you hunt.

Umm, I started at age 4. I said most people, not all people.

I grew up on a horse farm, and I was a Pony Clubber. Fox Hunting etiquette and terminology are taught at Pony Club and are intrinsic to Pony Club culture/history (I remember when our Pony Club leader taught me, at about 6 years of age, that the little metal d rings on English saddles are for attaching "hunting appointments"; my first grade teacher thought this was hilarious when I explained this to her as I described a drawing in class). Many children start Pony Club when they are 4 or 5 and continue through high school. Our Pony Club attended drag hunts (we were affiliated with a local hunt club), and I was about 7 on my first time out. I don't know anyone who "learned" to fox hunt in their 20s. I guess that would be for people who didn't grow up with horses? In any case, "most" of the horse people I know who hunt learned well before they were in their 20s.

Another former Pony Clubber here. My first "real" hunt (with the Hillsboro Hounds, for those who know hunting) I was 12, I think. It's not something you generally learn late in life, although I suppose it's possible. I moved on to Eventing, and then back to dressage when I decided I was too breakable at current age.

Anyway, OP is spectacularly full of $h!t, and weirdly entitled to think a family of foxhunters should come up with something for her to do, especially since her husband doesn't like it. SMH. Wish my inlaws liked it.

Oh, good for you, ponyclubber!

Can this thread die already? The OP wrote it poorly. I believe it was about the in laws, who partake in a variety of equestrian activities, not even going riding with her, or inviting her to join them riding, ever. She rides with her children, but the family will only invite the kids to ride, not her. It was an in-law vent, like about 95% of the other posts on the Family Forum. Not that they should come up with a dumbed down version of fox hunting. Although that would be funny, and I would pay to see as many proletariat versions of fox hunting as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fox hunting.

Most people learn how to fox hunt in their 20s. A few in their early 40s but not many.

But arent there roles for younger adults prepping the dogs or something? I have definitely seen kids in their little getups, on their ponies, at the beginning and end. Obvi not on the hunt itself.

I had no idea fox hunting was a thing. I thought it only happened in the days of Downton Abby, and am blown away at the idea that it still goes on. Am I the only one?

You must be new to this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fox hunting.

Most people learn how to fox hunt in their 20s. A few in their early 40s but not many.

Umm, no. I started at 11 and most of my friends were born with a seasoned hunt pony already waiting in the barn.

If your family hunts you hunt.

Umm, I started at age 4. I said most people, not all people.

I grew up on a horse farm, and I was a Pony Clubber. Fox Hunting etiquette and terminology are taught at Pony Club and are intrinsic to Pony Club culture/history (I remember when our Pony Club leader taught me, at about 6 years of age, that the little metal d rings on English saddles are for attaching "hunting appointments"; my first grade teacher thought this was hilarious when I explained this to her as I described a drawing in class). Many children start Pony Club when they are 4 or 5 and continue through high school. Our Pony Club attended drag hunts (we were affiliated with a local hunt club), and I was about 7 on my first time out. I don't know anyone who "learned" to fox hunt in their 20s. I guess that would be for people who didn't grow up with horses? In any case, "most" of the horse people I know who hunt learned well before they were in their 20s.

Another former Pony Clubber here. My first "real" hunt (with the Hillsboro Hounds, for those who know hunting) I was 12, I think. It's not something you generally learn late in life, although I suppose it's possible. I moved on to Eventing, and then back to dressage when I decided I was too breakable at current age.

Anyway, OP is spectacularly full of $h!t, and weirdly entitled to think a family of foxhunters should come up with something for her to do, especially since her husband doesn't like it. SMH. Wish my inlaws liked it.

Ahhh, the real pony clubber attitude in action