WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Maybe think about shifting the socio-economic circles you run in. Move to a more down-to-earth neighborhood, and send her to a solidly middle class public school. I think your daughter's sense of self outweighs the opinions of your husband's boss (who made an extraordinarily inappropriate comment) and the "playdate" set. I know two Krystals and a Misty who have gotten advanced degrees and good jobs to go with them.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is just being a realist. People do judge you by your names. Especially on resumes. If OP is part of a more middle upper class family thats a wonderful thing for this kid to have stability and having a name like mysti rain will make her stand out in a bad way. This is a wonderful fresh start for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Change the name, as gracefully as possible.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how truly bad the names are... is she named after a car or alcoholic beverage? If the name is something like Tiffany, Brandi, Jasmine or Crystal- its pretty normal. My name is on this list. I don't want to give my name or any background info such as my socioeconomic status, my alma mater, my lifestyle, and so on, but you might find me to be one of your peers. DH likes my name and I adore it, even from age 4! I would be upset if someone changed it on my behalf bc they deemed it negative. So I would be careful. if it truly isnt a horrible name, keep it. If it's in poor taste, make adjustments but still allowing for her to have input/ control of her name and identity. I'm sure you can figure it out. You are her mom and I'm sure you will do the right thing on her behalf. congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I suggest you ask a child psycologist with expertise in foster care adjustment for their opinion about changing the name.

[Anonymous]

I really want to know the name!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want to know the name!!!

ME TOO!!! I keep coming back to see if OP has finally just told us! PLEEEEASSEE OP, please tell us.

Pixie?
Trixie?
Dixie?
Bamby?
Baby?
Sugar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want to know the name!!!

ME TOO!!! I keep coming back to see if OP has finally just told us! PLEEEEASSEE OP, please tell us.

Pixie?
Trixie?
Dixie?
Bamby?
Baby?
Sugar?

Haha, same here!! OP?!!

[Anonymous]

I don't have time to read all of the posts so this may have already been addressed, however, you soon to be child already has identified with whatever their name is. At four it is really too late to just arbitrarily change someone's name. I like the idea of a special nickname and just call her by your special nickname. If, as she gets older, she decides she does not like her name then she can make the change herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want to know the name!!!

ME TOO!!! I keep coming back to see if OP has finally just told us! PLEEEEASSEE OP, please tell us.

Pixie?
Trixie?
Dixie?
Bamby?
Baby?
Sugar?

I was thinking
Brittany
Desani
Brandy
Jaylene

[Anonymous]

I am one of the posters that thinks it's too late to the change the name but honestly, if my new child came to my family with the name Sugar, Pixie, or Trixie, I would no doubt think of a "special nickname" and stick with that until she's old enough to make a mature decision. I'd go as far as letting schools know of the new nickname and all.

I wouldn't get rid of her original name cold turkey though. I'd probably start using both in some way. Like "ok Bamby Sue, it's dinner time" and then start dropping Bamby gradually.

Let's be honest here, you can be sympathetic to the child and her name, obviously you wouldn't tell her "we hate your trashy name", and you wouldn't want to legally change it because of the message that would send but coming up with a nickname is the way to go if her current name is something like listed above!

[Anonymous]

The new name wouldn't necessarily have to be similar to the current name.

Like I said above, you could add a name to the current name and then drop the current name over time. Like Sue, May, Marie, Rose. Something simple.

Lol, the thought of having to call a child "Bamby Rose" for a while is pretty bad. Op, GOOD LUCK!

One more thing, if the name is in anyway appropriate, like Brittany (that's a very common and appropriate name, nothing trashy about it), no need to change it. If anything just call her Bee, or Tee (for something like Tabby) or Jay (for Jaylene)

[Anonymous]

Just to give you a little perspective, OP - my 5 year old came home from school last week saying they were getting a new student in their class. The girl's name was a popular flavor of ice cream - my initial (internal) reaction was a bit judgmental, but my 5 year old expressed no judgement at all, wrote a card for his new (not yet met) school friend, and was very excited to meet her! I think we can all take a lesson from 5 year olds here - we can have kindness and openness in our hearts when we don't have life experiences that teach us to be judgmental about certain names.

This child has suffered trauma - which I'm sure you must realize, even if she doesn't know her birth mother. She needs to be accepted for EXACTLY WHO SHE IS, and part of who she is is her name. She needs "unconditional positive regard" (read Carl Rogers). She is 4 years old - her name is integral to her identity. As others have stated, she can always change her own name legally as an adult, if it is hindering job prospects, and a nickname can be used in the meantime if SHE likes it. Validating who this little beautiful being is, is one of your jobs. Part of her beauty is her name - as her parent you must find that beauty.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP (20:50) - a few other thoughts regarding dealing with judgement from other parents about her name choice:

1. when you become a parent, you will get judged about SO MANY THINGS. Now is the time to realize that, and stop caring about what other people think. If this is a huge deal to you that you can't get over, spend some time talking it out either on your own, or with someone trained in talking about personal problems.

2. If you are bluntly asked why you named her that name (which would be extremely rude, btw), you can say that she was named in honor of a really special person in her life (her mother).

[Anonymous]

ust to give you a little perspective, OP - my 5 year old came home from school last week saying they were getting a new student in their class. The girl's name was a popular flavor of ice cream - my initial (internal) reaction was a bit judgmental, but my 5 year old expressed no judgement at all, wrote a card for his new (not yet met) school friend, and was very excited to meet her! I think we can all take a lesson from 5 year olds here - we can have kindness and openness in our hearts when we don't have life experiences that teach us to be judgmental about certain names.

This child has suffered trauma - which I'm sure you must realize, even if she doesn't know her birth mother. She needs to be accepted for EXACTLY WHO SHE IS, and part of who she is is her name. She needs "unconditional positive regard" (read Carl Rogers). She is 4 years old - her name is integral to her identity. As others have stated, she can always change her own name legally as an adult, if it is hindering job prospects, and a nickname can be used in the meantime if SHE likes it. Validating who this little beautiful being is, is one of your jobs. Part of her beauty is her name - as her parent you must find that beauty.

Are you an adoptive mom? Because this whole post comes across as the pollyanna viewpoint of someone who has not walked that walk.

Please, tell us that you would have had the same reaction if you had been told that your DC needed to go through life as Pistacchio Dulce de Leche because the name was "integral to her identity".

OP does not have to "find that beauty" in a name that OP realistically anticipates will hinder her daughter later in life. I think the seguewaying into a new name is definitely the way to go.