If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

OP here. If DW wanted to do any of that sort of thing, I would do it. I have never said no to something that she wanted to do/go/see on the weekends. All i want, the only thing i want is more sex.

Okay, I hear you. But did you post the prior comment I was responding to? I hope not.

OP here. Er...which comment was that? hahhaa. Hard to keep track you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expected roughly the same amount of sex after marriage. We dated several years and our sex life was consistent, so it didn't seem like an unreasonable expectation.

Did you think you would be 25, full of energy, carefree and child-free for decades to come?

[Anonymous]

OP, your wife is resentful about something. You are blaming her but she is blaming you too, gaurantee. As someone else said, even a LD spouse knows sex is important. She is withholding. Either she is a cold bitch (doubtful and if so, you need to ask yourself why you married her) or you guys have issues. I'm betting those issues are 50% on you and 50% on her. That's usually how it shakes out.

In my case, DH was the withholder. He is very passive aggressive and holds grudges but pretends not to. Over time that ate away at me and I didn't do anything to address our issues or lack of sex. Frankly, I didn't want sex from him and took care of my own needs regularly. We are in counseling and have uncovered, after months of work, a lot of what we've both contributed to our broken marriage and broken sex life. Counseling is really helpful. Turns out I was withholding in other ways that contributed.

Also recommend the book "Intimacy and Desire." It is HARD to keep intimacy and a fun sex life year after year in a relationship. People do it, but from your posts, you seem to think there are a ton of married people who have active, healthy sex lives during every stage of their marriage. This is not reality. You can get to that point, but it takes work and it doesn't just fall into your lap. You indicate the solution would have been marrying someone else. I don't think that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, no, that PP is not you. Not at all. That PP's youngest child is over 7 years old. Seven YEARS. Your younger child is 4 months old. FOUR MONTHS. Your wife's private parts are still smarting, I guarantee that. YOU may say "it didn't hurt" the two times you've done it since your second was born, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that her report would be different from yours.

For the love of all that is holy, cut your poor wife some slack.

You mis-read. The PP said things did not change for years (7 years even) and PP wised up that things were not going to change despite PP's efforts. STOP pretending you are my wife vagina. I get that yours and 100 others were still smarting at 4 months. If you want to call apples oranges, go ahead. Don;t convince me otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife is resentful about something. You are blaming her but she is blaming you too, gaurantee. As someone else said, even a LD spouse knows sex is important. She is withholding. Either she is a cold bitch (doubtful and if so, you need to ask yourself why you married her) or you guys have issues. I'm betting those issues are 50% on you and 50% on her. That's usually how it shakes out.

In my case, DH was the withholder. He is very passive aggressive and holds grudges but pretends not to. Over time that ate away at me and I didn't do anything to address our issues or lack of sex. Frankly, I didn't want sex from him and took care of my own needs regularly. We are in counseling and have uncovered, after months of work, a lot of what we've both contributed to our broken marriage and broken sex life. Counseling is really helpful. Turns out I was withholding in other ways that contributed.

Also recommend the book "Intimacy and Desire." It is HARD to keep intimacy and a fun sex life year after year in a relationship. People do it, but from your posts, you seem to think there are a ton of married people who have active, healthy sex lives during every stage of their marriage. This is not reality. You can get to that point, but it takes work and it doesn't just fall into your lap. You indicate the solution would have been marrying someone else. I don't think that's the case.

Problem is 2 HD spouses with young kids don't complain about the lack of sex on online forums! You only hear bad stories, not good stories. I can just see it now, I'll press her insisting that she is resentful and blaiming me for something and she'll deny and deny and we'll be in a bigger fight. ahahha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

OP here. If DW wanted to do any of that sort of thing, I would do it. I have never said no to something that she wanted to do/go/see on the weekends. All i want, the only thing i want is more sex.

Okay, I hear you. But did you post the prior comment I was responding to? I hope not.

OP here. Er...which comment was that? hahhaa. Hard to keep track you know?

"If I'd wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

No, he's right to be concerned. He said things weren't good before child #2. So, to blame the current dry spell on child #2 and changes to the body is ignoring past history. They've gotta start working on this stuff now. It may be that you've got the body stuff from child #2 on top of whatever else was going on for the four years prior. But, once the exhaustion and body issues dissipate as the 4 month old gets older, the old issues will still be there.

I followed the do-nothing except try to be helpful plan, and it just led to resentment. Being helpful is good. Being patient is good. But, it *has* to be coupled with a deep understanding by the LD spouse that sex is important. Sex is not a childish frivolity that can be ignored by "grown ups." (How many posts here have told OP to "grow up" or "be mature"?) Blowing off sex as unimportant is damaging to a marriage.

It doesn't have to be every day, on a schedule, or anywhere near the frequency that the HD spouse would prefer. But it has to remain a priority to the LD spouse, otherwise the marriage suffers. For example, I can't earn enough money to buy my family everything it wants. Nevertheless, providing for my family remains a priority. If we can't afford something we'd like, but my family sees that I'm busting my ass, then it's no big deal. But, if we couldn't afford something important and my family saw me laying on the couch or devoting a bunch of time to a hobby that's not at all lucrative, the resentments would build.

In my case, I patiently waited with very little sex through the pregnancy because, hey, pregnancy is different. I patiently waited as the kids were young because, hey, little kids are tough. But, when our youngest turned 7 and our sex life hadn't rebounded a light went on. First I was kind of passive-aggressive about it, probably because I was too shy about sex to talk about it to my wife. Eventually, we had a talk. It made her sad, and it made me sad to make her sad, but I think it impressed upon her that our lack of a sex life (usually about once a month, occasionally up to two months without) was really a drag on our otherwise very good marriage. She started reading books about mismatched libidos, she started showing me affection in other ways (telling me when she thinks I look good, smacking my ass playfully in the kitchen, random back scratches), and generally showed me she cared about me as something other than a wallet and child care contributor. The frequency of sex is probably only up a little, but my attitude is much improved simply because I can see that our love life is a priority to her. And, of course, my improved attitude makes her like me better and more inclined to want to have sex with me. Virtuous cycle!

You contradicted yourself here. You said "grow up!" is not good advice, but then you admitted for years you were passive aggressive! Do you know how childish, immature, and damaging passive aggressive behavior is in a marriage??? (Well obviously you do, you lived it).

Look, it sounds like you and your wife both had some growing up to do it, and did it. I'm in awe of that - really - my husband and I are just figuring that out now and it too YEARS of pain to uncover it all. So really, I admire both of you. But you've hit the nail on the head. It is about growing up, expressing your needs clearly, realizing the other person has their own set of issues that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with you, and vice versa. Sex in a long term relationship is so not just about sex. It is SO much more than high desire low desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

OP here. If DW wanted to do any of that sort of thing, I would do it. I have never said no to something that she wanted to do/go/see on the weekends. All i want, the only thing i want is more sex.

Okay, I hear you. But did you post the prior comment I was responding to? I hope not.

OP here. Er...which comment was that? hahhaa. Hard to keep track you know?

"If I'd wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married."

OP here. I didn't post that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

If I wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married

So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

I was a new poster, I'm actually a LD spouse and I was posting to be funny.

You sound like a complete psycho. Calm down. Perhaps you are just really angry because your marriage is not in a good place. Fine. But, being super angry on the internet at strangers isn't going to fix what is broken in your relationship.

Nope not a psycho. My relationship is actually very good now but the points I have posted here are all things I've had to recently hash out. If you people can't take it - trust me, these are the things your spouses are thinking/feeling - too bad. The truth hurts. LD spouses are not all mean evil people. In my own relationship and in several of my friends' it was/is the HD spouse who just refuses to see things from our perspective. The more you dig YOUR heels in, the more you drive us away. When you are willing to accept that things have changed and work together on a new normal, it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You contradicted yourself here. You said "grow up!" is not good advice, but then you admitted for years you were passive aggressive! Do you know how childish, immature, and damaging passive aggressive behavior is in a marriage??? (Well obviously you do, you lived it).

Look, it sounds like you and your wife both had some growing up to do it, and did it. I'm in awe of that - really - my husband and I are just figuring that out now and it too YEARS of pain to uncover it all. So really, I admire both of you. But you've hit the nail on the head. It is about growing up, expressing your needs clearly, realizing the other person has their own set of issues that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with you, and vice versa. Sex in a long term relationship is so not just about sex. It is SO much more than high desire low desire.

Not really a contradiction, but perhaps I didn't express myself clearly. Wanting sex in the relationship isn't immature or childish. Sex isn't a frivolous, disposable part of marriage. I agree that being passive-aggressive about wanting sex is childish. My upbringing was probably typical in that the topic was not something one was encouraged to discuss openly. So that carried over to marriage, creating an inhibition against discussing it openly. And you're right, it was something I just had to get over.

For what it's worth, the passive-aggressive resentment phase didn't last for years. Maybe 6 months to a year. For the longest time, I just wrote off our limited sex life to the challenges of childbirth and raising little kids. Maybe I'm slow, but it was probably when the kids were both in school full time that I no longer felt like that was the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So you don't want to spend anytime with your spouse doing things you both enjoy? Trying new restaurants, listening to live music, etc? You don't wait a friendship, too? Just a fuck buddy. Wow. You "HD" spouses sound like total raging dicks - literally and figuratively.

OP here. If DW wanted to do any of that sort of thing, I would do it. I have never said no to something that she wanted to do/go/see on the weekends. All i want, the only thing i want is more sex.

Okay, I hear you. But did you post the prior comment I was responding to? I hope not.

OP here. Er...which comment was that? hahhaa. Hard to keep track you know?

"If I'd wanted to date, I wouldn't have gotten married."

OP here. I didn't post that.

Good - I didn't think so. So my response wasn't really directed at you.

For Pete's sake OP, if you are willing to do things with her that she enjoys, all I am saying is make some effort. Hire a babysitter and make some plans I feel like a broken record but really, go read 12:02 again. They were so right. She wants to know that you are still interested in her in many ways beyond sex. Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother throws so many of us for a loop. You are hormonal, sleep-deprived, and your whole sense of yourself - physically and otherwise - is completely rocked. Tell her that you miss her and that you want to spend time together. You can't expect that planning one date will mean she's raring to go but if you make an honest, genuine effort to bridge the gap and see things from her point of view, you will begin to rebuild the closeness necessary for wanting sex. Trust me - I could be your wife. I actually kind of feel like I'm rehashing old arguments with my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope not a psycho. My relationship is actually very good now but the points I have posted here are all things I've had to recently hash out. If you people can't take it - trust me, these are the things your spouses are thinking/feeling - too bad. The truth hurts. LD spouses are not all mean evil people. In my own relationship and in several of my friends' it was/is the HD spouse who just refuses to see things from our perspective. The more you dig YOUR heels in, the more you drive us away. When you are willing to accept that things have changed and work together on a new normal, it works out.

You have a habit of mixing valid points with off-putting, unnecessary jabs that make me want to disregard those points. I've highlighted a couple.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Someone (somewhere else) said " Why is your need for sex more important that her need to sleep?" I didn't really know how to answer that question. Can anyone chime in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[quot
Good - I didn't think so. So my response wasn't really directed at you.

For Pete's sake OP, if you are willing to do things with her that she enjoys, all I am saying is make some effort. Hire a babysitter and make some plans I feel like a broken record but really, go read 12:02 again. They were so right. She wants to know that you are still interested in her in many ways beyond sex. Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother throws so many of us for a loop. You are hormonal, sleep-deprived, and your whole sense of yourself - physically and otherwise - is completely rocked. Tell her that you miss her and that you want to spend time together. You can't expect that planning one date will mean she's raring to go but if you make an honest, genuine effort to bridge the gap and see things from her point of view, you will begin to rebuild the closeness necessary for wanting sex. Trust me - I could be your wife. I actually kind of feel like I'm rehashing old arguments with my DH.

OP here. How long a period were you "off" sex? I've been living this for 6 years now. Sex for DW has not been on the high priority list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Someone (somewhere else) said " Why is your need for sex more important that her need to sleep?" I didn't really know how to answer that question. Can anyone chime in?

I'm HD but sleep is more important than sex. On the other hand, if there is a good amount of time for Facebook or reality TV shows or whatnot, then an all-consuming lack of sleep probably isn't the problem.

Still, those first few weeks with a newborn through me for a loop. The whole world was washed out and gray because I wasn't sleeping -- and that's with my DW doing more of the heavy lifting in terms of getting up in the night.