How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

I will not die hungry for life.

A pp wrote this.
PP, what is being married stopping you from? What adventures are you -not- able to do? I really don't understand. Go be whatever you want to be. Go be whatever self you want to be. No one is stopping you. You think you'd be more interesting without her? Go ahead ... go be more interesting. The only detail, ok, may be the act of sex. But you/and others would claim that's not solely it. That it's just so much bigger than that.

[Anonymous]

14:58 again. Why don't more couples on the edge of divorce just: legally split-up the finances and give each other space. Or maybe there hasn't been enough independence all along during the marriage. Not enough freedom to have individual adventures (minus sex with someone else)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alternatively Stud Dad, he did nothing to save the marriage, then more formally gave up and left. In true narc style, he’s doing it to find adoration, supply and happiness elsewhere!!

I love stud dad!

I tried for years until I came to the painful realization that she was not in love with me and she was no longer attracted to me. I don’t blame her, there had been times where I acted unlovable and unattractive, however nothing I did to alter my patterns of thought and behavior could salvage attraction. I’m not talking sexual attraction, if you have an imagination you can get through sex with anyone I’m talking about real attraction.
She would’ve been quite content with a parallel life, the erratic sex life, conversations no deeper than traffic and logistics, but the gut doesn’t lie, you can tell when someone doesn’t love you anymore. When they’re not interested in you as a person real human attraction is gone,I would bring up therapy, books, plan little getaways and nothing clicked. Exercises that the therapist gave us never happened more than twice, continually showing me that she was not interested.
Watching her act and play a part only to drop the character when the work of acting like she loved me became too hard became an intolerable roller coaster.
Then came the lies and betrayal, I even convinced myself that that it was just a symptom, she really loved me underneath, it was just unresolved father issues or anxiety or whatever thing I found to blame it on.

It took six years and thousands of hours for me to come to the realization that my wife no longer loved me and was not attracted to me, nothing I could do would change that.

Here’s the thing that men don’t understand or don’t care about. Women will put their kids before their husbands. Men put themselves first. I have had multiple friends laughingly make the same observation about being away from home or on vacation and the husband just gets his breakfast and his coffee because “he needs to wake up for a minute” but the wives feed the kids first and make sure they have what they need while maybe trying to chug coffee in between tasks. It’s like that in a million little ways. So if the wife is drowning in household management, work and their kids needs, they are not going to drop any of those balls to make their husbands feel special and exciting. They are often begging for help to just get through the day, but since the husband doesn’t value any those things or acknowledge that they take time (because then it would be harder to justify his refusal to participate) they start huffing around that they aren’t getting the amount of attention they want. It’s the same way a man will cheat on his wife and leave her when she’s going through chemo. It’s as simple as, she’s not doing what I want right now, so I am justified in going after whatever I want instead.

They could choose to be a team and build a life that prioritizes their entire family and works for both people but it’s easier to just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:58 again. Why don't more couples on the edge of divorce just: legally split-up the finances and give each other space. Or maybe there hasn't been enough independence all along during the marriage. Not enough freedom to have individual adventures (minus sex with someone else)

The lower earning spouse will never agree to just legally split up finances for nothing because that would be dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

What did she do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

I wonder what her side of this touching tale might sound like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again/ he is a good dad 100%. Also a good person generally speaking, just self absorbed imo and wants a fantasy.

Tell him to take up skydiving until he's had enough adrenaline rushes.

And back country skiing in blizzards.
And ATV driving along ocean cliff coasts.
And motorcross races in Baja.

Surely something will hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

What do you mean? I understand he needs to be happy but I’m still pissed since I sacrificied a lot.

Look up the meaning of "agency." You can't control his actions, thoughts or feelings.

Agency, like how for years he chose to do very little for the house, yard, kids and spouse? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alternatively Stud Dad, he did nothing to save the marriage, then more formally gave up and left. In true narc style, he’s doing it to find adoration, supply and happiness elsewhere!!

I love stud dad!

I tried for years until I came to the painful realization that she was not in love with me and she was no longer attracted to me. I don’t blame her, there had been times where I acted unlovable and unattractive, however nothing I did to alter my patterns of thought and behavior could salvage attraction. I’m not talking sexual attraction, if you have an imagination you can get through sex with anyone I’m talking about real attraction.
She would’ve been quite content with a parallel life, the erratic sex life, conversations no deeper than traffic and logistics, but the gut doesn’t lie, you can tell when someone doesn’t love you anymore. When they’re not interested in you as a person real human attraction is gone,I would bring up therapy, books, plan little getaways and nothing clicked. Exercises that the therapist gave us never happened more than twice, continually showing me that she was not interested.
Watching her act and play a part only to drop the character when the work of acting like she loved me became too hard became an intolerable roller coaster.
Then came the lies and betrayal, I even convinced myself that that it was just a symptom, she really loved me underneath, it was just unresolved father issues or anxiety or whatever thing I found to blame it on.

It took six years and thousands of hours for me to come to the realization that my wife no longer loved me and was not attracted to me, nothing I could do would change that.

Here’s the thing that men don’t understand or don’t care about. Women will put their kids before their husbands. Men put themselves first.

I have had multiple friends laughingly make the same observation about being away from home or on vacation and the husband just gets his breakfast and his coffee because “he needs to wake up for a minute” but the wives feed the kids first and make sure they have what they need while maybe trying to chug coffee in between tasks. It’s like that in a million little ways.

So if the wife is drowning in household management, work and their kids needs, they are not going to drop any of those balls to make their husbands feel special and exciting. They are often begging for help to just get through the day, but since the husband doesn’t value any those things or acknowledge that they take time (because then it would be harder to justify his refusal to participate) they start huffing around that they aren’t getting the amount of attention they want.

It’s the same way a man will cheat on his wife and leave her when she’s going through chemo. It’s as simple as, she’s not doing what I want right now, so I am justified in going after whatever I want instead.

They could choose to be a team and build a life that prioritizes their entire family and works for both people but it’s easier to just leave.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

What kind of work were you asking her to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

There is no “old maxim” that says that. Plus it doesn’t even make sense.

Men stay and continue to do nothing when kids are on the scene because they are lazy, avoidant; and busy doing other things (like more work).

Then they muster up an easy, fast boilerplate gray divorce later when all the hard family work is over, courtesy of the spouse. Why? Because they deserve better. Someone to adore them! Enjoy their money with! Companionship! Play holiday time with the adult kids! Easy way out indeed.

The stats say otherwise. They don't leave. And when they do, it's for a very good reason.

Midlife crisis is not a very good reason, in any culture. He didn’t want to face the music of how he destroyed the marriage over time so he punched out.

Not the PP, but my SAHW was the cheater am I a crappy man for staying for the kids, continuing to support her and helping her build a career before I file for divorce and we split the assets 50-50? Men are not perfect (including me), but we are also not selfish destroyers of women in our pursuit of happiness and younger women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

This post must be some sad joke. It’s too psychotic and gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

There is no “old maxim” that says that. Plus it doesn’t even make sense.

Men stay and continue to do nothing when kids are on the scene because they are lazy, avoidant; and busy doing other things (like more work).

Then they muster up an easy, fast boilerplate gray divorce later when all the hard family work is over, courtesy of the spouse. Why? Because they deserve better. Someone to adore them! Enjoy their money with! Companionship! Play holiday time with the adult kids! Easy way out indeed.

The stats say otherwise. They don't leave. And when they do, it's for a very good reason.

Midlife crisis is not a very good reason, in any culture. He didn’t want to face the music of how he destroyed the marriage over time so he punched out.

Not the PP, but my SAHW was the cheater am I a crappy man for staying for the kids, continuing to support her and helping her build a career before I file for divorce and we split the assets 50-50? Men are not perfect (including me), but we are also not selfish destroyers of women in our pursuit of happiness and younger women.

Maybe you are not, but plenty of men are.

[Anonymous]

Look, marriage is like nuclear launch — two people need to turn the keys. If he’s not happy, you’ll never be happy. And why spend your waning decades like that? You are avoiding years of taking care of an aging grouchy man — once thy hit 70, men start to decline fast and the woman almost always is the main caretaker and the target for their irritation at their own decline. You get a free pass from this! You can start looking at fun over 55 communities that will help you build new female friends.
So many cranky older couples that just carp at each other and make their adult children miserable. Don’t be that!