Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

From an aunt or uncle? No, it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

From an aunt or uncle? No, it is not.

It’s $1k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

I have 13 first cousins, I am more than 10 years older than all of them. Only 1 was 18 by the time I got married and was invited. We did not have room to include an additional 12 kids.

Of course you had room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

PP here. For a nephew?!?! I haven’t ever even given a fraction of that for my own son much less a nephew. That is an extraordinarily generous aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

I have 13 first cousins, I am more than 10 years older than all of them. Only 1 was 18 by the time I got married and was invited. We did not have room to include an additional 12 kids.

Of course you had room.

Nope, there were capacity limits at the reception location and we were at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

No need to give a gift. RSVP no. In the note say "Since Larlo was not invited to this family occasion we will decline the invitation."

No need to hide your reason. You start to hide what wrongs people do to you, then you will always be trodden upon. This is not your shame. It is their shame. They are the uncouths.

I love kids at weddings and one of the greatest heartbreaks of my wedding was how many cousins of mine did NOT bring their kids. I really wanted it to be a mug multigenerational party and my cousins jus wanted a grown up weekend together. So just establishing than I’m pro-kid-inclusive weddings.

That said, what is <i>uncouth</i> about not inviting children? It’s common for some couples to prefer adults only ceremonies or receptions. Calling it “shameful” and “uncouth” seems a wild exaggeration. Where is that coming from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

No need to give a gift. RSVP no. In the note say "Since Larlo was not invited to this family occasion we will decline the invitation."

No need to hide your reason. You start to hide what wrongs people do to you, then you will always be trodden upon. This is not your shame. It is their shame. They are the uncouths.

I love kids at weddings and one of the greatest heartbreaks of my wedding was how many cousins of mine did NOT bring their kids. I really wanted it to be a mug multigenerational party and my cousins jus wanted a grown up weekend together. So just establishing than I’m pro-kid-inclusive weddings.

That said, what is <i>uncouth</i> about not inviting children? It’s common for some couples to prefer adults only ceremonies or receptions. Calling it “shameful” and “uncouth” seems a wild exaggeration. Where is that coming from?

It just exposes the attachment parenting types who can’t bear to separate from their kids. Nobody will miss them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

This^.

Go no contact?!?!? With a nephew? Just because a couple prefers an adult-only wedding?!? That is absolutely bonkers!

(And I like kids at weddings…but why is someone taking it personally when it is a blanket decision, not specifically excluding her child and her child only?!)

[Anonymous]

Oh no! This is tough!

[Anonymous]

Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

So it sounds EXTREMELY unlikely that this is some sort of purposeful exclusion of your child. This nephew loves you, you have a good relationship with him, he goes out of his way to be kind to your son. That’s great. But he and his bride are making decisions that go way beyond your family. Maybe she has 30+ cousins who are under 16 and maybe they have lots of friends who have young kids and they just don’t want to (or cannot afford to) include that large of a hoard. 16 seems like a very logical cutoff age to me…it’s legal driving age, the age of going to proms, wearing tuxedos, doing more formal things. But NINE is a whole different story.

Can you imagine how awkward and horrible it would be if your 9 year old was included but all the kids of similar age of the couple’s friends and all of her extended family were not included? How are they going to explain that? “Well, yes, we said no kids, but he would have been the only first cousin on the groom’s side who was left out and also the groom’s aunt is really kind and generous and traveled from out of state so they are kind of extra special to us unlike your family.”

It’s really not personal, OP. I know it feels thoughtless, but given your closeness with your nephew and his kindness to your son, it makes no sense that they are specifically excluding him. They’re not. It’s just a kid-free wedding.

Here’s what I would suggest.

First, this is a big family event and it’s your nephew…of course you should go! Will there be other family gatherings over the wedding weekend? In my family, we usually have a big dinner the night before, a breakfast the day of, a brunch the day after…Will there be other chances for your son to be with his cousins? If so, I’d bring him and have him stay at the hotel while you are at the reception, but bring him along to all the other events. Can you talk about that with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

So it sounds EXTREMELY unlikely that this is some sort of purposeful exclusion of your child. This nephew loves you, you have a good relationship with him, he goes out of his way to be kind to your son. That’s great. But he and his bride are making decisions that go way beyond your family. Maybe she has 30+ cousins who are under 16 and maybe they have lots of friends who have young kids and they just don’t want to (or cannot afford to) include that large of a hoard. 16 seems like a very logical cutoff age to me…it’s legal driving age, the age of going to proms, wearing tuxedos, doing more formal things. But NINE is a whole different story.

Can you imagine how awkward and horrible it would be if your 9 year old was included but all the kids of similar age of the couple’s friends and all of her extended family were not included? How are they going to explain that? “Well, yes, we said no kids, but he would have been the only first cousin on the groom’s side who was left out and also the groom’s aunt is really kind and generous and traveled from out of state so they are kind of extra special to us unlike your family.”

It’s really not personal, OP. I know it feels thoughtless, but given your closeness with your nephew and his kindness to your son, it makes no sense that they are specifically excluding him. They’re not. It’s just a kid-free wedding.

Here’s what I would suggest.

First, this is a big family event and it’s your nephew…of course you should go! Will there be other family gatherings over the wedding weekend? In my family, we usually have a big dinner the night before, a breakfast the day of, a brunch the day after…Will there be other chances for your son to be with his cousins? If so, I’d bring him and have him stay at the hotel while you are at the reception, but bring him along to all the other events. Can you talk about that with your sister?

Imagine how upset he is going to be when he is excluded from the women only bridal shower or baby shower.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go and I think I’d send a card, no gift. If it’s raised to you by your sibling I’d tell them exactly why.

Weddings can either be some sort of performance or a family event where you include the people who are important to you.

It’s crappy to have close the one cousin and the groom ought to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.