Feeling left behind —— BF isn’t committing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

This.

Move out and get some therapy, OP. Figure out why you wasted so much time on this guy and even moved in. Fix your picker and don’t date for at least 6-12 months, be on your own.

Work on your career, supporting a large family is expensive.

This guy isn’t that into you and doesn’t share your goals. Why are you clinging to this relationship? What were things like with your dad growing up? Are you recreating some old pattern?

I believe this is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

She's 26 now. You want her to wait a year to date. Assume it takes +2 years to find someone compatible. That makes her 29. Then, +3-4 years to get to a proposal. So then she's 33. +2 years to get married. 35. +1 year before trying to conceive. At 36, +1 year to successfully conceive. So at ~38 years old she might end up with one kid, with 4-5 to go.

All because she's bitter someone wouldn't rush into a marriage with someone in their mid-20s.

Your timeline is ridiculous. Grownups don't take 3-4 years to determine if they want to marry someone or not.

The ones that don't want to get divorced in 5 years do.

Hmm, I was 30 when I met my husband (who was also 30). Within a year we knew we would get married and he proposed shortly thereafter. We've been married very happily for 15 years. I have many similar stories of friends' marriages, would you like them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The ones that don't want to get divorced in 5 years do.

+1

[Anonymous]

LOL, people here just can’t fathom they they picked a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL, people here just can’t fathom they they picked a loser.

Most people say it's impossible to tell.

Even more reason to spend more years vetting a potential father of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

OP here with some additional info.

In terms of what metric I’m using to compare him, I can say they he stands out as partner in positive ways compared to what I’ve observed from people I’m around— friends, coworkers, and even multiple ex’s. To give context, one was a few years older and established and I was in like my junior year of high, while the others were same age, and I did go on many dates with more mature but not too much older of men, so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s. He still is one guy that stands out to me the most.
I don’t think I’m being naive of unrealistic and don’t know what I want. He had everything I’d want in a husband: easygoing, responsible, kind, faithful, intelligent, mature, etc. We get along really well and rarely, if ever, argue or fight. When we do have conflict, we handle it well.

As for money, I don’t depend on my parents. They’re generous, and they don’t give me money because I need it. All four of my siblings are married to working spouses, have solid careers, and three of them have kids. My parents also help pay their kids’ school expenses & a few other costs, not because any of them asked, but as a form of extra support, as a favor. I don’t rely on them for financial support, and I’m not dependent on them.

My boyfriend and I are both white, but I’m third-generation French, while my boyfriend doesn’t have any recent immigration history— his ancestry is German.

When it comes to me moving in together, well, we did talk last night (about marriage for the first time in a little while), and what he said really surprised me. He mentioned that he had planned for us to move in together, live together, and then get engaged—not long after (spring or summer of 2026)—with the goal of being married by 2027.

He has said that he wants marriage a few years down the line, but I didn’t think he was planning an engagement so soon. Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now and need some time to process everything and need a moment to pause and think.

Say what? You were dating an older, "established" man your junior year of high school? Daddy issues much?

[Anonymous]

You need to tell him lovingly that you need him to make up his mind and that you will respect whatever decision he makes. Tell him also (again) that you want to get married and have a big family, hopefully with him but that if he is unsure, you will unfortunately have to move on. And then do it. Give him a month and immediately start looking for a place.

You are SO young and you definitely have time for five kids but every day you spend with someone who is not “sure” after three years is a day wasted. A year and a half MAX is plenty for someone to know. I’ve been on both sides—unsure for seven years and sure after just one year.

Please do not waste any more of your life on this. I wasted 7.5 years, and while I ultimately did meet a wonderful man whom I married (at 34), and with whom I have two darling kiddos, I do wish we had three and there was just no time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

OP here with some additional info.

In terms of what metric I’m using to compare him, I can say they he stands out as partner in positive ways compared to what I’ve observed from people I’m around— friends, coworkers, and even multiple ex’s. To give context, one was a few years older and established and I was in like my junior year of high, while the others were same age, and I did go on many dates with more mature but not too much older of men, so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s. He still is one guy that stands out to me the most.
I don’t think I’m being naive of unrealistic and don’t know what I want. He had everything I’d want in a husband: easygoing, responsible, kind, faithful, intelligent, mature, etc. We get along really well and rarely, if ever, argue or fight. When we do have conflict, we handle it well.

As for money, I don’t depend on my parents. They’re generous, and they don’t give me money because I need it. All four of my siblings are married to working spouses, have solid careers, and three of them have kids. My parents also help pay their kids’ school expenses & a few other costs, not because any of them asked, but as a form of extra support, as a favor. I don’t rely on them for financial support, and I’m not dependent on them.

My boyfriend and I are both white, but I’m third-generation French, while my boyfriend doesn’t have any recent immigration history— his ancestry is German.

When it comes to me moving in together, well, we did talk last night (about marriage for the first time in a little while), and what he said really surprised me. He mentioned that he had planned for us to move in together, live together, and then get engaged—not long after (spring or summer of 2026)—with the goal of being married by 2027.

He has said that he wants marriage a few years down the line, but I didn’t think he was planning an engagement so soon. Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now and need some time to process everything and need a moment to pause and think.

Say what? You were dating an older, "established" man your junior year of high school? Daddy issues much?

I think OP meant junior year of college, cause she said "so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s". The guy she dated was probably 25ish because most college guys aren't established and are still immature.

But after reading OP's updates, to me it sounds like she's a little socially atypical and on the spectrum. Finding social relationships draining and having a hard time processing news like this are big signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

OP here with some additional info.

In terms of what metric I’m using to compare him, I can say they he stands out as partner in positive ways compared to what I’ve observed from people I’m around— friends, coworkers, and even multiple ex’s. To give context, one was a few years older and established and I was in like my junior year of high, while the others were same age, and I did go on many dates with more mature but not too much older of men, so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s. He still is one guy that stands out to me the most.
I don’t think I’m being naive of unrealistic and don’t know what I want. He had everything I’d want in a husband: easygoing, responsible, kind, faithful, intelligent, mature, etc. We get along really well and rarely, if ever, argue or fight. When we do have conflict, we handle it well.

As for money, I don’t depend on my parents. They’re generous, and they don’t give me money because I need it. All four of my siblings are married to working spouses, have solid careers, and three of them have kids. My parents also help pay their kids’ school expenses & a few other costs, not because any of them asked, but as a form of extra support, as a favor. I don’t rely on them for financial support, and I’m not dependent on them.

My boyfriend and I are both white, but I’m third-generation French, while my boyfriend doesn’t have any recent immigration history— his ancestry is German.

When it comes to me moving in together, well, we did talk last night (about marriage for the first time in a little while), and what he said really surprised me. He mentioned that he had planned for us to move in together, live together, and then get engaged—not long after (spring or summer of 2026)—with the goal of being married by 2027.

He has said that he wants marriage a few years down the line, but I didn’t think he was planning an engagement so soon. Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now and need some time to process everything and need a moment to pause and think.

Say what? You were dating an older, "established" man your junior year of high school? Daddy issues much?

I think OP meant junior year of college, cause she said "so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s". The guy she dated was probably 25ish because most college guys aren't established and are still immature.

But after reading OP's updates, to me it sounds like she's a little socially atypical and on the spectrum. Finding social relationships draining and having a hard time processing news like this are big signs.

No, she said "I was in like my junior year of high." It's a strange way of putting it, but it certainly implies high school, not college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

This.

Move out and get some therapy, OP. Figure out why you wasted so much time on this guy and even moved in. Fix your picker and don’t date for at least 6-12 months, be on your own.

Work on your career, supporting a large family is expensive.

This guy isn’t that into you and doesn’t share your goals. Why are you clinging to this relationship? What were things like with your dad growing up? Are you recreating some old pattern?

I believe this is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

She's 26 now. You want her to wait a year to date. Assume it takes +2 years to find someone compatible. That makes her 29. Then, +3-4 years to get to a proposal. So then she's 33. +2 years to get married. 35. +1 year before trying to conceive. At 36, +1 year to successfully conceive. So at ~38 years old she might end up with one kid, with 4-5 to go.

All because she's bitter someone wouldn't rush into a marriage with someone in their mid-20s.

Your timeline is ridiculous. Grownups don't take 3-4 years to determine if they want to marry someone or not.

The ones that don't want to get divorced in 5 years do.

Hmm, I was 30 when I met my husband (who was also 30). Within a year we knew we would get married and he proposed shortly thereafter. We've been married very happily for 15 years. I have many similar stories of friends' marriages, would you like them?

Want stories of divorces after a few years of marriage?

[Anonymous]

This thread is odd. Look at all the other posts on Dcum. Why would you want to rush into a marriage before you've had an opportunity to live together? That's how you end up as a topic of one of the other threads in the relationship forum.

[Anonymous]

A man who wants 5-6 children is not still single into his mid thirties.

[Anonymous]

So many naysayers. You want what you want. Luckily you are still VERY young, but if you want a commitment - just know, this guy isn’t it. Move out and move on. Godspeed.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to settle down, which is why he purposely picked a much younger woman.

Don't let him waste your youth! If you want marriage and kids, he is TELLING YOU he's not the one.

Don't let a boyfriend stop you from finding your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man who wants 5-6 children is not still single into his mid thirties.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is odd. Look at all the other posts on Dcum. Why would you want to rush into a marriage before you've had an opportunity to live together? That's how you end up as a topic of one of the other threads in the relationship forum.

+1

If DCUM remotely represents the reality of fathers, a minimum 6 month period of men fostering children or hands-on assisting with childcare with the female partner should be a requirement prior to engagement.