Feeling left behind —— BF isn’t committing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re 26 and want six babies? I wouldn’t want to marry you either. Who are you expecting to financially support that many mouths?

Clearly the boyfriend who has a "great salary"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am the youngest of five which is why I want my own big family. He makes a very high salary, one that’s definitely high enough to support five or six kids, so that isn’t really the issue. I also have a very supporting high earning family.

But, I recently moved in with him, a few months ago, I’m not even fully moved in, so I could still move back out.

I’m hesitant to leave because social relationships (friends or boyfriends) are honestly very mentally exhausting and hard to maintain for me (I feel really shy and drained) especially when new, but after 3.5 years, I feel so comfortable that it would be so hard to leave.

Well that's the best justification I've ever heard for getting married and popping out six kids so definitely don't change your course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

OP here with some additional info.

In terms of what metric I’m using to compare him, I can say they he stands out as partner in positive ways compared to what I’ve observed from people I’m around— friends, coworkers, and even multiple ex’s. To give context, one was a few years older and established and I was in like my junior year of high, while the others were same age, and I did go on many dates with more mature but not too much older of men, so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s. He still is one guy that stands out to me the most.
I don’t think I’m being naive of unrealistic and don’t know what I want. He had everything I’d want in a husband: easygoing, responsible, kind, faithful, intelligent, mature, etc. We get along really well and rarely, if ever, argue or fight. When we do have conflict, we handle it well.

As for money, I don’t depend on my parents. They’re generous, and they don’t give me money because I need it. All four of my siblings are married to working spouses, have solid careers, and three of them have kids. My parents also help pay their kids’ school expenses & a few other costs, not because any of them asked, but as a form of extra support, as a favor. I don’t rely on them for financial support, and I’m not dependent on them.

My boyfriend and I are both white, but I’m third-generation French, while my boyfriend doesn’t have any recent immigration history— his ancestry is German.

When it comes to me moving in together, well, we did talk last night (about marriage for the first time in a little while), and what he said really surprised me. He mentioned that he had planned for us to move in together, live together, and then get engaged—not long after (spring or summer of 2026)—with the goal of being married by 2027.

He has said that he wants marriage a few years down the line, but I didn’t think he was planning an engagement so soon. Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now and need some time to process everything and need a moment to pause and think.

Earlier I said you only seem to list a checklist for why he would make a good husband and that you just think “it’s time.”

But not once in your thread have I seen you say anything remotely like you love him, you cherish him, he excites you, or anything even remotely emotional that indicates a connection.

Instead, every comment seems almost coldly calculated, down to the comparisons to other men you aren’t even intimate with. You appear to regard him almost entirely in terms of what does he have to give that you want. It seems almost transactional.

Almost? That's obviously exactly what's going on here. Her clock is ticking and she wants his money and sperm.

She is 26, he is 34. If he wants children then his clock is also ticking. Is he planning to have first kid at 40 and attend youngest child's college graduation at 70?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

+1. These are the 20% types who claim to do 80.

"I rake the leaves!"*

*1x/year

I'm a woman. I know plenty of fully competent fathers of 2+ children, including my own husband. Sorry you have such low value friends/husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If any financially stable man older than 30 isn't proposing after two years of relationship, one of it living together, I would question their level of commitment. If they weren't serious, they shouldn't habve roped anyone in.

They haven't fully moved in together yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

+1. These are the 20% types who claim to do 80.

"I rake the leaves!"*

*1x/year

People like you are so insufferable. Just because you married the wrong guy, not everyone else did. My friends are phenomenal dads, they just are

PP, I believe you. But I have learned that there is no sense in arguing with these people. They refuse to acknowledge that such men exist because they've never met them. And clearly, their experience must be the universal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

+1. These are the 20% types who claim to do 80.

"I rake the leaves!"*

*1x/year

People like you are so insufferable. Just because you married the wrong guy, not everyone else did. My friends are phenomenal dads, they just are

Good to hear. All the studies beg to differ. Believe me or don't, it is what it is. Sorry that makes you mad (imagine how the wives feel).

Show me the studies that say that no men are competent fathers. I'll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

+1. These are the 20% types who claim to do 80.

"I rake the leaves!"*

*1x/year

People like you are so insufferable. Just because you married the wrong guy, not everyone else did. My friends are phenomenal dads, they just are

Good to hear. All the studies beg to differ. Believe me or don't, it is what it is. Sorry that makes you mad (imagine how the wives feel).

Show me the studies that say that no men are competent fathers. I'll wait.

DP I think the issue is "most" men. Not all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3.5 years and he can't figure it out yet? And he is 34. Time to get a ring or time to leave.

If he were 24 I'd say 3.5 years wasn't enough and he should wait. At 34 it is a totally different ballgame. He should either want to commit at that age and that length of a relationship or not. Sorry, OP, he clearly doesn't. I'd move on if you really do want that many kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

This.

Move out and get some therapy, OP. Figure out why you wasted so much time on this guy and even moved in. Fix your picker and don’t date for at least 6-12 months, be on your own.

Work on your career, supporting a large family is expensive.

This guy isn’t that into you and doesn’t share your goals. Why are you clinging to this relationship? What were things like with your dad growing up? Are you recreating some old pattern?

I believe this is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

She's 26 now. You want her to wait a year to date. Assume it takes +2 years to find someone compatible. That makes her 29. Then, +3-4 years to get to a proposal. So then she's 33. +2 years to get married. 35. +1 year before trying to conceive. At 36, +1 year to successfully conceive. So at ~38 years old she might end up with one kid, with 4-5 to go.

All because she's bitter someone wouldn't rush into a marriage with someone in their mid-20s.

Your timeline is ridiculous. Grownups don't take 3-4 years to determine if they want to marry someone or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

OP here with some additional info.

In terms of what metric I’m using to compare him, I can say they he stands out as partner in positive ways compared to what I’ve observed from people I’m around— friends, coworkers, and even multiple ex’s. To give context, one was a few years older and established and I was in like my junior year of high, while the others were same age, and I did go on many dates with more mature but not too much older of men, so I’m not just comparing him to young immature college ex’s. He still is one guy that stands out to me the most.
I don’t think I’m being naive of unrealistic and don’t know what I want. He had everything I’d want in a husband: easygoing, responsible, kind, faithful, intelligent, mature, etc. We get along really well and rarely, if ever, argue or fight. When we do have conflict, we handle it well.

As for money, I don’t depend on my parents. They’re generous, and they don’t give me money because I need it. All four of my siblings are married to working spouses, have solid careers, and three of them have kids. My parents also help pay their kids’ school expenses & a few other costs, not because any of them asked, but as a form of extra support, as a favor. I don’t rely on them for financial support, and I’m not dependent on them.

My boyfriend and I are both white, but I’m third-generation French, while my boyfriend doesn’t have any recent immigration history— his ancestry is German.

When it comes to me moving in together, well, we did talk last night (about marriage for the first time in a little while), and what he said really surprised me. He mentioned that he had planned for us to move in together, live together, and then get engaged—not long after (spring or summer of 2026)—with the goal of being married by 2027.

He has said that he wants marriage a few years down the line, but I didn’t think he was planning an engagement so soon. Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now and need some time to process everything and need a moment to pause and think.

Earlier I said you only seem to list a checklist for why he would make a good husband and that you just think “it’s time.”

But not once in your thread have I seen you say anything remotely like you love him, you cherish him, he excites you, or anything even remotely emotional that indicates a connection.

Instead, every comment seems almost coldly calculated, down to the comparisons to other men you aren’t even intimate with. You appear to regard him almost entirely in terms of what does he have to give that you want. It seems almost transactional.

Almost? That's obviously exactly what's going on here. Her clock is ticking and she wants his money and sperm.

She is 26, he is 34. If he wants children then his clock is also ticking. Is he planning to have first kid at 40 and attend youngest child's college graduation at 70?

What's wrong with that? Do you need to be spry to attend someone else's graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move on OP. At 26 don't spend more than a year or so dating before expecting a serious commitment.

This 34 year old is going to keep you hanging on for years. Time to dump him and move on. If he doesn't know after 3 years at his age, he's not going to marry you. No reason to waste your time.

You expect someone to propose after one **year**?

What year do you think this is?

I read somewhere that after 30, people should know 9 months into dating someone if they want to marry them or not. OP's boyfriend is 34. He's no spring chicken and he ought to know by now. Actually, I do think he does know, he just knows he doesn't want to marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

This.

Move out and get some therapy, OP. Figure out why you wasted so much time on this guy and even moved in. Fix your picker and don’t date for at least 6-12 months, be on your own.

Work on your career, supporting a large family is expensive.

This guy isn’t that into you and doesn’t share your goals. Why are you clinging to this relationship? What were things like with your dad growing up? Are you recreating some old pattern?

I believe this is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

She's 26 now. You want her to wait a year to date. Assume it takes +2 years to find someone compatible. That makes her 29. Then, +3-4 years to get to a proposal. So then she's 33. +2 years to get married. 35. +1 year before trying to conceive. At 36, +1 year to successfully conceive. So at ~38 years old she might end up with one kid, with 4-5 to go.

All because she's bitter someone wouldn't rush into a marriage with someone in their mid-20s.

Your timeline is ridiculous. Grownups don't take 3-4 years to determine if they want to marry someone or not.

The ones that don't want to get divorced in 5 years do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move on OP. At 26 don't spend more than a year or so dating before expecting a serious commitment.

This 34 year old is going to keep you hanging on for years. Time to dump him and move on. If he doesn't know after 3 years at his age, he's not going to marry you. No reason to waste your time.

You expect someone to propose after one **year**?

What year do you think this is?

I read somewhere that after 30, people should know 9 months into dating someone if they want to marry them or not. OP's boyfriend is 34. He's no spring chicken and he ought to know by now. Actually, I do think he does know, he just knows he doesn't want to marry her.

You may have read it, but there's no basis for it.

What he described is pretty clear. He wants to live together for 6-12 months to make sure they're compatible. You need to live together long enough to get out of the honeymoon period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

+1. These are the 20% types who claim to do 80.

"I rake the leaves!"*

*1x/year

People like you are so insufferable. Just because you married the wrong guy, not everyone else did. My friends are phenomenal dads, they just are

Good to hear. All the studies beg to differ. Believe me or don't, it is what it is. Sorry that makes you mad (imagine how the wives feel).

Show me the studies that say that no men are competent fathers. I'll wait.

DP I think the issue is "most" men. Not all.

That's not how it was phrased though. The PP wanted proof of ANY good men. Someone provided it and they called him a liar. Then they said that ALL the studies said men are bad dads. If I can name 10 excellent dads/husbands out of my friend group, I'm sure others can as well. In fact, I know my friends who live in other areas feel the same about the dads in their friend group. We pick quality men and quality friends, so it's not surprising that we would be seeing this. If the sample size is all men who have fathered children, then yes, I will give you that at least 51% of those probably suck. Figure a good chunk never see their kids, some are abusive/have mental health issues, some are just jerks, and I'll easily give you that "most" men are crappy fathers. But I grew up surrounded by amazing dads and married one and am friends with many. So the other percentage (I'm not even going to argue 49%) are good dads. It's tiring and frankly insulting that people will continually argue with anyone who says they know good dads (but but but you don't know them well enough, but but but your standards are just so low, but but but they weren't always that way or they won't always be that way, etc.).