is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

Good question. As a non-White, non-Christian, rich tech legal immigrant - I am interested in finding the answer to this question. I am not interested in my hard earned fortune going to certain groups of people after my demise.

Ha! Great response.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe the thread is this long! Marriage?? Many college students are still teenagers and others barely out of their teens!

Give them 10 years. Anyone who marries someone from college will regret it —they are not the same people they’ll be later.

[Anonymous]

I think the more important thing for me as a parent is for my kid to be at a college where there is SOME dating culture.

Many of us with kids in college (and hearing how things are from our kids and from the kids of our friends) are finding that this doesn't really exist at many schools.

I'd rather my kid not meet with their ultimate life partner in college but it would be nice for them to have some experience with the opposite sex before age 21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the more important thing for me as a parent is for my kid to be at a college where there is SOME dating culture.

Many of us with kids in college (and hearing how things are from our kids and from the kids of our friends) are finding that this doesn't really exist at many schools.

I'd rather my kid not meet with their ultimate life partner in college but it would be nice for them to have some experience with the opposite sex before age 21.

Where does this exist??? Only elite in NE?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's not something I'm worried about, but interestingly, for both of my daughters that is part of their "plan."

They have a lot of single older cousins so maybe that has influenced them plus the general societal angst about how hard it is to find someone and how horrible dating is in this day and age.

It’s also part of my daughter’s ‘plan’ which I find appalling and hysterical in equal parts. The girls is a planner and goal oriented so more power to her.

You raised an idiot.

No daughter's goal should be to marry right. It should be to take care of themselves.

DP here. It should be both. Girls should take care of themselves and also seek to marry equals. No scrubs. My girls know this for sure.

100%

I do hope my DD gets married someday, not in college. But starting to date someone in college who you later commit to for marriage is not a bad thing. It’s not too early to date in college. All those opposed to finding the right person in college, do you forbid your kid to date in college? If not and they do find the one, will you force them to break up just bc it doesn’t fit your plan? I find these comments very odd.
You can still figure out who you are and date at the same time. And it takes a lifetime to figure out who you are and that evolves. I don’t want my DD waiting decades.

If they meet on the younger side, I think they grow together. When you are older, there are so many restrictions and requirements.

I agree who they marry is the most important decision they make. And they will never have more free time than they do in college.

And dating helps you figure out who you are and what you want.

I’d even be fine if she marries her HS sweetheart. I wouldn’t have her choose her college based on him but if they stay together, I’m good with that. There’s no benefit to dating lots of people just for the sake of it.

Are they in college together now?

They’re HS seniors.
He’s not a factor at all in her college apps/choice. No idea where he’s applying.

Agree with the comment about marrying into debt. Good point. My DD will not have any debt after college/grad school and would definitely be rough if she married debt.

Also agree about going to a school with intellectual peers- esp for a DD.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Yes, and many of the male medical students arrive married out of college. It's noticeable.

And the issue is amplified by the fact that the straight males in these programs are in the minority to begin with. Yes, it's a worry of mine for my DD's (not for my DS's).

My brother (gay male) has been the head of a large residency program for almost 20 years and is a mentor and friend to the residents. He watches this play out year over year. An abundance of amazing female residency grads, lots of dating frustration as they find themselves age 29, finally ready to date and unable to find any men who are remotely at their educational or professional level. His advice to me (I have daughters) was to encourage them to actively pursue dating along the way (college, 20s, etc) if finding a male partner is a goal.

Straight males are in the minority in law school and medical school? Not my experience at all but it may have changed.

Was referencing the PP before that. I confirm what you wrote about the amazing female residents. It's extremely difficult for them to find a partner after finishing residency, I've seen this so many times. The work place is bad for dating. Also additional advice for daughters in pre-med and med; it's good to test your potential partner during this time, if they can't handle what you do now, they won't be able to handle the demands on you and your career later. Don't settle!

Most find their partner in med school then match together. Others meet a match in residency.

Just FYI: It is incredibly difficult, to match together, and severely limits your choices depending on competitiveness of specialty (and also varying from year to year with some unpredictability). Highly recommend against this as a plan. However, I know several couples who managed apart (as bf, gf) during residency, and still happily married now well over a decade later. It’s a good test; if they’d become seriously interested in someone else, it would have happened sooner or later, and was not meant to be. Also know those who did not go through the match the same year or had met much earlier or later.

A large group of my T5-med school classmates did couples match back in 2002. Our med school sent 90% of its grads to residencies at T20 level med schools or the like in medicine (mayo clinic, etc). Couples match did not seem to hinder them at all. There were also resident transfers when med student would date and then get engaged to residents. It happens when 22-28yo are all working 80hrs together; programs want happy residents and even the top ones try to help make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe the thread is this long! Marriage?? Many college students are still teenagers and others barely out of their teens!

Give them 10 years. Anyone who marries someone from college will regret it —they are not the same people they’ll be later.

Most couples we know as adults met in college or professional school. Most are still together.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if couples’ matching is different now but worked for several of my friends in 2001 also. They don’t have to match in the same hospital, just the same city. Choosing a large city helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe the thread is this long! Marriage?? Many college students are still teenagers and others barely out of their teens!

Give them 10 years. Anyone who marries someone from college will regret it —they are not the same people they’ll be later.

Most couples we know as adults met in college or professional school. Most are still together.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

Good question. As a non-White, non-Christian, rich tech legal immigrant - I am interested in finding the answer to this question. I am not interested in my hard earned fortune going to certain groups of people after my demise.

What would be the certain group?
Can you set up your will so your fortune goes only to your kid and not their spouse? Idk how these things work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Indeed. The ivy/elite undergrads balance the men and have closer to 50-50, as do the most common law and med schools that these undergrads feed into. Plus guys at elite schools tend to want smart, driven spouses. Win-win for smart girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if couples’ matching is different now but worked for several of my friends in 2001 also. They don’t have to match in the same hospital, just the same city. Choosing a large city helps.

+++ it is easier now as you do not have to be married as once was the case. As long as you both agree then you can match together.

[Anonymous]

How do you make sure you’re with intellectual peers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

ivy grad who met spouse in med school from a different T10, same race but completely different SES (pell grant v rich), about 25 yrs ago. many of our various undergrad friends married outside their race and/or outside SES, to other docs or lawyers, throw in a few phD who became professors. we would not care if our kids did the same. A smart spouse who supports the other one's intellectual endeavors is what matters, not race or SES background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe the thread is this long! Marriage?? Many college students are still teenagers and others barely out of their teens!

Give them 10 years. Anyone who marries someone from college will regret it —they are not the same people they’ll be later.

Most couples we know as adults met in college or professional school. Most are still together.

So they started dating when 20 years old? Of all my friends, I only have one who did this and they absolutely regret it. I am 46 and virtually all of my friends got married in their early to late 30s to partners they met in adulthood.