DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

If he has so much contempt for you and no interest in kids or house, why isn't he asking for divorce?

[Anonymous]

This is a BAD fight and a BAD weekend but in the course of a marriage it is NBD, guys.

All of the "divorce" "mental illness" "abuse" posters are unresilient reactionary people looking for a diagnosis or dramatic solution and unwiling to acknowledge that people have big emotions that are sometimes mysterious, and people do dumb things that they need to apologize for.

Most likely her DH returned and the kids missed some parties and/or the OP had to scramble and they yelled and fought and it'll be OK in a few days. She had nothing about a huge pattern or actual abuse. Please, guys. Grow up.

OP, I am sorry you're going through this. Rough spots are rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

+1. This is just martyr talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

I hope you're a troll. You're ridiculously overdramatic. If you continue to view this as your husband choosing himself for a silly reason versus your very important errands you two will never survive so you might as well just admit that now. The question is, do you want your marriage to work? If so, stop being so angry and listen to the people who are saying you're making a huge deal of this. If not, stew in your anger and leave him. But expecting your marriage to continue if you have this much contempt and hatred for him is a fool's errand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

BUT BUT BUT they had to go to Target to make some returns! Don't you understand how important OP's errands are?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So there is some weird, threatening, misogynist troll on this thread, repeatedly posting. Ignore this, OP.

I’m the “I’ve been there before” poster. You could make yourself into the tiniest speck possible, and if you won his love that way, what is won? Men who want you to diminish yourself to be worthy of their love also have no ceiling and no floor for this, because it’s not about you. My ex was, and still is, deeply unhappy. Thankfully, I met him when I was old enough that I knew that what was going on between the two of us was deeply abnormal and not a “me” problem. But we didn’t have kids together, so the stakes were different.

If you haven’t been to counseling yet, this is the time. His behavior is not sustainable for a lifetime relationship. And the above poster trying to call you crazy, immature, and get you to break your neck making the environment more “calm and gentle“ for your husband is one of these many guys who believe that women only exist to prop up men. Unfortunately, there’s plenty of them out there.

I didn't post before yours but I agree with the poster you're calling names and I'm a woman and not weird, misogynistic, or a troll. You do realize that people can have opinions that differ from yours without them having to be a troll, right? Actually, you sound like you don't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Actually, mature people do walk away from situations where they realize they need space. OP's husband was gone for 90 minutes (doubt it was even that long) before she posted on DCUM but you don't think she's dramatic? Please.

Do you have kids? Do you remember your doctor saying that it was ok to leave the baby crying for a bit and go outside if they were somewhere safe for a minute of fresh air and silence so you didn't do something like shake them? This is the same thing. In that situation no one is saying the baby has to be an a-hole before you walk out. It's just that you've hit your limit and you don't want to do something out of an emotional reaction. So OP is being too much for her husband to handle and he went outside. Then OP starts frantically searching for him 10 minutes later. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So there is some weird, threatening, misogynist troll on this thread, repeatedly posting. Ignore this, OP.

I’m the “I’ve been there before” poster. You could make yourself into the tiniest speck possible, and if you won his love that way, what is won? Men who want you to diminish yourself to be worthy of their love also have no ceiling and no floor for this, because it’s not about you. My ex was, and still is, deeply unhappy. Thankfully, I met him when I was old enough that I knew that what was going on between the two of us was deeply abnormal and not a “me” problem. But we didn’t have kids together, so the stakes were different.

If you haven’t been to counseling yet, this is the time. His behavior is not sustainable for a lifetime relationship. And the above poster trying to call you crazy, immature, and get you to break your neck making the environment more “calm and gentle“ for your husband is one of these many guys who believe that women only exist to prop up men. Unfortunately, there’s plenty of them out there.

I didn't post before yours but I agree with the poster you're calling names and I'm a woman and not weird, misogynistic, or a troll. You do realize that people can have opinions that differ from yours without them having to be a troll, right? Actually, you sound like you don't know that.

No, I do know that. OP’s H needing space is not a problem. OP’s husband bailing with no discussion and then returning with his hands in his pocket whistling with no explanation is not how healthy relationship function. If this is how you’re living, hey, know that there’s a better way. Also nice attempt at picking a fight, but I’m not biting. OP’s looking for a functional relationship. Not Shangri-La. And it’s a reasonable request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Is slapping someone physical abuse? You would say absolutely yes, right? What if you were slapping them to try to get them to wake up in a medical situation - is it abuse now?

Same point with the silent treatment. Do I think it's abusive? It absolutely can be. Do I think it always is when the person knows they cannot interact with the other person in any reasonable way? Then no.

You don't know nearly enough about the situation to draw the kind of conclusions you have. Context is everything, and people are reading OP's multiple posts and the tone of her voice and saying hmmmm, this doesn't seem like the kind of situation she is insisting it is because the facts point in another direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call the cops and report him missing.

Do NOT waste the cops' time reporting someone missing after 90 minutes. You people are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

Uh huh, and what do you do when the other person is incapable of having a discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

So leave then. Why have you had two kids with someone who treats you so poorly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, and make calmer weekends so they are an oasis or sanctuary from the world. Lawn companies will mow for around $40. Get it done a weekday.
Anything that can get done on a weekday, get it done. Don't save chore stuff up for the weekend.

What? No, they will not.

We pay $200/month for law service every Friday. Once a year we pay more for pruning etc.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here. Here is what I would do.

Obviously, do not have any more kids with him.
Limit extracurriculars. No need to go buy plants. Think about whether baseball is necessary. Hire a babysitter to take kid #2 to birthday parties or whatever.
Outsource yard work.
Ask him if he wants to hear it. "Larlo had a problem at school today. I can handle it if you like, no worries".

It su cks but cheaper than a divorce.
Do this for a few years until the kids are older.
Evaluate whether you want to stay married to him.
See if you can get him on board with dialectical behavioral therapy "for you" because clearly "you" are the one who needs therapy. Ahem. This might make you a better partner to him. (rolls eyes).

And no a grown a ss adult (GAA) doesn't just walk out on his wife and kids without word. What if you did that? What if you did it at the same time he did? At the very least a GAA says "I'm going for a walk". FFS.