DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

Sure it was.

Your MIL is "a gem" but was actively hiding this from you?

Well, in every other way. I don’t want to slander her on the internet. She works really hard and is in a super awful situation.

Yes, it was hidden from me. The sibling would “go abroad” for special work projects, which made sense given the industry they’d worked in. Or when we went to visit their city, they would be “on a trip to see friends.”

When I finally figured out what was going on, DH said that his family felt really weird talking about the hospitalizations and this is how they’d always explained it and he didn’t know how to tell me. And at that point we were married with one baby, so it wasn’t like I was going to file for divorce because someone felt shame about mental illness and handled it badly. Now, with everything else that’s piled up, yeah, it’s bad.

And then you thought, I know what I should do! I should have another kid with this guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

So how long was he gone?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...

Yes I work. I love how every post on DCUM about a spouse that is causing hurt and pain assumes a woman has earned that hurt and pain by bringing in insufficient income.

Just in case any woman out there is so arrogant as to believe that a job magically protects them from a dud spouse: it does not.

Drama drama drama. I'm not the PP but I assume the point of the question was to say that if you work, you should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op none of this is okay. A loving partner does not give you the silent treatment for 5 days. A loving partner does not use withdrawal as sudden absence to maintain power and destabilize yourself

It’s fine to take a walk to cool off. It’s not okay to disappear without communicating when you are supposed to help with plans for the kids. It’s not okay to berate someone for chatting with a stranger. And I don’t think it’s okay to take 1/3 of a newborns first year off in what was probably optional travel leaving his partner with a baby and toddler.

This guy resents being married and is punishing you for it. He’s not communicating his needs, just shaming you for yours. While I get why dcum thinks you’re being dramatic it’s also because into are other classic chaser/avoidant couple. A normal person who needs to cool off does so, then comes back and talks about it. A normal person who needs a team says to their partner “hey, I can’t handle this right now. Can we talk about it later or I don’t think I can deal with this anymore, maybe you need someone else to talk with” (though a situation with a kid should be mutual), not silent treatment for 5 days.

My advice would be to become a great rock around him and prepare for divorce. Perhaps he is willing to go to therapy but doesn’t sound like it. And do not discount an affair. So get yours in order.

A loving partner doesn't call their spouse immature, unfair, and selfish when they reach the point of needing space because they can't handle a situation. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So there is some weird, threatening, misogynist troll on this thread, repeatedly posting. Ignore this, OP.

I’m the “I’ve been there before” poster. You could make yourself into the tiniest speck possible, and if you won his love that way, what is won? Men who want you to diminish yourself to be worthy of their love also have no ceiling and no floor for this, because it’s not about you. My ex was, and still is, deeply unhappy. Thankfully, I met him when I was old enough that I knew that what was going on between the two of us was deeply abnormal and not a “me” problem. But we didn’t have kids together, so the stakes were different.

If you haven’t been to counseling yet, this is the time. His behavior is not sustainable for a lifetime relationship. And the above poster trying to call you crazy, immature, and get you to break your neck making the environment more “calm and gentle“ for your husband is one of these many guys who believe that women only exist to prop up men. Unfortunately, there’s plenty of them out there.

I didn't post before yours but I agree with the poster you're calling names and I'm a woman and not weird, misogynistic, or a troll. You do realize that people can have opinions that differ from yours without them having to be a troll, right? Actually, you sound like you don't know that.

No, I do know that. OP’s H needing space is not a problem. OP’s husband bailing with no discussion and then returning with his hands in his pocket whistling with no explanation is not how healthy relationship function. If this is how you’re living, hey, know that there’s a better way. Also nice attempt at picking a fight, but I’m not biting. OP’s looking for a functional relationship. Not Shangri-La. And it’s a reasonable request.

And what does OP plan to do to create a functional relationship? It takes two, and she sounds pretty dug into her being right and her husband being wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

You're a good writer, PP!

[Anonymous]

op is using really harsh negative words to describe her husband. You two may not see eye to eye on some things but he is still your spouse. Try to maintain certain level of civility in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

For once I agree with the affair assessment.

[Anonymous]

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I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

Take your attempt at disguising your shameful ableism elsewhere. Your "I don't think we should judge" stuff doesn't hide it.

No judgement of people with autism who are parenting responsibly. We don’t even know who they are because they are doing their thing and not causing anyone hurt or harm. But if you’re using your differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos and instability, then yeah, total judgement.

Yeah. Because that is exactly what is at issue here -- some one using their "differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos"? No, it is not. And yet you can't help implying that this is a big thing here. Yes. Ableist bs. I hope you mouth off like this in person and get canceled.

Cancel culture is a terrible thing and needs to be eliminated

Is this op posting ableist crap?

[Anonymous]

Is slapping someone physical abuse? You would say absolutely yes, right? What if you were slapping them to try to get them to wake up in a medical situation - is it abuse now?

MD here and yes, this is abuse. We don’t slap our patients.

Also this was a hilarious self-own.

[Anonymous]

OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is afraid to come back because it was a nothing burger

Getting mad at OP for being cordial to another customer in the store is not nothing. Not being able to communicate for s**t is also not nothing. It’s insufferable. I felt uncomfortable just reading OP’s account, let alone living it.

Correct. Assuming you believe OP’s side of the story. Which given everything they have posted here, I do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem with men is that, if they raise voice, they are abusive, if the try to avoid the argument, they are avoidant, if the go quite, they are giving silent treatment, if they say something not agreeable, they are gaslighting.

For someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle landmine of marriage, its bewildering.

These men are unmarriageable. If they can’t perform emotional work they should remain single.

You know who else should remain single, and not have kids? Women who want to run through the house “frantic” whenever their spouse walks out of the room and doesn’t come back for 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

It's not about bullying OP but a try to give her another perspective.

Also, if her DH walked out without a word and left his car and phone, shouldn't it warrant any concern?