DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Op is afraid to come back because it was a nothing burger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is afraid to come back because it was a nothing burger

Getting mad at OP for being cordial to another customer in the store is not nothing. Not being able to communicate for s**t is also not nothing. It’s insufferable. I felt uncomfortable just reading OP’s account, let alone living it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is afraid to come back because it was a nothing burger

This! She knows she’s a big baby crying over nothing. Should be ashamed of herself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...

Yes I work. I love how every post on DCUM about a spouse that is causing hurt and pain assumes a woman has earned that hurt and pain by bringing in insufficient income.

Just in case any woman out there is so arrogant as to believe that a job magically protects them from a dud spouse: it does not.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Some of these PPs want to think it’s your fault because they need to believe it won’t happen to them because they are such cool and chill wives. I am very chill and it happened to me. Years of abuse, similar to what you describe. You don’t fix your spouse’s anger issues by not being a harpy. They need to want to change and most of these guys don’t care.

Nothing wrong?! She went off the deep end because her husband took a walk. When he came back she verbally attacked him.

[Anonymous]

Op none of this is okay. A loving partner does not give you the silent treatment for 5 days. A loving partner does not use withdrawal as sudden absence to maintain power and destabilize yourself

It’s fine to take a walk to cool off. It’s not okay to disappear without communicating when you are supposed to help with plans for the kids. It’s not okay to berate someone for chatting with a stranger. And I don’t think it’s okay to take 1/3 of a newborns first year off in what was probably optional travel leaving his partner with a baby and toddler.

This guy resents being married and is punishing you for it. He’s not communicating his needs, just shaming you for yours. While I get why dcum thinks you’re being dramatic it’s also because into are other classic chaser/avoidant couple. A normal person who needs to cool off does so, then comes back and talks about it. A normal person who needs a team says to their partner “hey, I can’t handle this right now. Can we talk about it later or I don’t think I can deal with this anymore, maybe you need someone else to talk with” (though a situation with a kid should be mutual), not silent treatment for 5 days.

My advice would be to become a great rock around him and prepare for divorce. Perhaps he is willing to go to therapy but doesn’t sound like it. And do not discount an affair. So get yours in order.

[Anonymous]

Pp here, sorry about the typos. “Gray rock “ (not great) and “needs a break” (not team).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

"It's either autism or he's having an affair" is a perfect DCUM comment.

Don't forget brain tumor ..

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is in trouble and way before this incident of walking out and not saying anything to you.

You know this.

He's clearly checked out from you and whatever birthday parties and errands you need to run. He's playing games and or simply having an affair..

Time to face some hard truths on where you see your marriage going ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem with men is that, if they raise voice, they are abusive, if the try to avoid the argument, they are avoidant, if the go quite, they are giving silent treatment, if they say something not agreeable, they are gaslighting.

For someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle landmine of marriage, its bewildering.

These men are unmarriageable. If they can’t perform emotional work they should remain single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem with men is that, if they raise voice, they are abusive, if the try to avoid the argument, they are avoidant, if the go quite, they are giving silent treatment, if they say something not agreeable, they are gaslighting.

For someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle landmine of marriage, its bewildering.

These men are unmarriageable. If they can’t perform emotional work they should remain single.

Or if they need their weekends to be “an oasis”. Lmfao. You knew that whose weekends are an oasis? Single people without kids! OP’s DH was free to remain such a person, and chose instead to be married and have children. If he wanted to sleep in and go to brunch instead of wake up to yard work and the little league game there was a different path to choose. He doesn’t get to stonewall OP in the plant store bc he chose poorly. Suck it up man, and don’t forget Jr.’s glove for the game.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I talked because youth baseball might not have happened but I guess the field dried off by Sunday

Almost looks like he got a call from an affair partner. My wife and I like baseball and birthday parties but we don’t think the DH was going to either.

It does seem the school issue is running a little long - stuff happened Tuesday and it was Sunday by the time you’re posting. It’s a little strange he’s still reacting to it. On the other hand my wife gets PTSD in school based on how she was treated by teachers and admins when she was in school. So there might be a delayed reaction. We’ve even considered other education options for our kids.

Figure out what’s going on. Figure out your emotions related to the school - you’ve got to pull it together at least some. You might not need to jam pack every day. You need to figure out which little things matter. All that said, It’s not cool he ran off the way he did.

[Anonymous]

Was OP trolling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem with men is that, if they raise voice, they are abusive, if the try to avoid the argument, they are avoidant, if the go quite, they are giving silent treatment, if they say something not agreeable, they are gaslighting.

For someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle landmine of marriage, its bewildering.

These men are unmarriageable. If they can’t perform emotional work they should remain single.

Or if they need their weekends to be “an oasis”. Lmfao. You knew that whose weekends are an oasis? Single people without kids! OP’s DH was free to remain such a person, and chose instead to be married and have children. If he wanted to sleep in and go to brunch instead of wake up to yard work and the little league game there was a different path to choose. He doesn’t get to stonewall OP in the plant store bc he chose poorly. Suck it up man, and don’t forget Jr.’s glove for the game.

OP was also free to remain single or not have kid after kid with such man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs his space. And you're worried about him being gone for a couple of hours. He's may be close to making some big life decisions. And you might not be in it.

What you do is: you let him save face. He returns. He returns to a gentle, calm environment. He is telling you with actions and told you with words: it's too much. Too much stress. You expect too much emotional support -- go find friends, others to help with your emotional needs. He can't do it. It's too much for him, he's not wired that way. Likely too, you have the kids scheduled way too much. Especially revealing when, in the middle of a marriage crisis, *your* concern is how to get the kids to their activities and how you will get your errands accomplished. He's rethinking the marriage and you don't get what's important.

This, I think. He isn't a person who talks about his feelings and emotions? He has them, though. He just doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to without breaking down, or doesn't want to feel week. But he's got stresses and problems he doesn't let on about. Maybe big ones. And maybe those are at a critical point. Work? Job? Health?

He can't cope with his and listen to you "share" or "vent" or prattle on at the plant store.
In an ideal world, of course he should be able to.
But this is where he is now.

Ah yes, the DH is a man so he must just be operating on a higher plane of intelligence and emotional sophistication than OP can even imagine. He shouldn’t be expected to lower himself to polite interactions with people who have time on the weekend to look at plants. And OP should be seen and not heard, doesn’t she know that?

Really he is so superior that he shouldn’t have to interact with his family at all, right? OP is just a dumb little girl who doesn’t understand how the world works, right?

/s

Yes, OP. A dumb little girl is exactly what you’re acting like.

Misogyny. Or PP is taking out their crappy day on OP. What a disgrace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...

Yes I work. I love how every post on DCUM about a spouse that is causing hurt and pain assumes a woman has earned that hurt and pain by bringing in insufficient income.

Just in case any woman out there is so arrogant as to believe that a job magically protects them from a dud spouse: it does not.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Some of these PPs want to think it’s your fault because they need to believe it won’t happen to them because they are such cool and chill wives. I am very chill and it happened to me. Years of abuse, similar to what you describe. You don’t fix your spouse’s anger issues by not being a harpy. They need to want to change and most of these guys don’t care.

Nothing wrong?! She went off the deep end because her husband took a walk. When he came back she verbally attacked him.

This goes beyond taking a walk. If that’s not obvious then you’re as emotionally stunted as OP’s husband.