Revealing affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is ridiculous. You must have come from a very F*ed up family of origin. How very sad for you that you think this way. No one is under any obligation to keep a cheater’s secret. Especially when there is a health concern. A partner deserves to know that their spouse is cheating so they can get STD testing. Or are you dumb enough to believe a cheater and liar when they say they have never cheated before and both are disease free.

OP isn’t worried about STDs or any of that. She just wants someone to share the pain, and to hurt the cheaters. SHE is worried about HER having to carry the secret, which isn’t hers to share or not share, other than her own experience.

Setting out knowing you’re going out to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better IS questionable.

And I’m saying this as someone who has pretty decent proof their partner is cheating ATM.

It doesn’t matter why OP did it, it is the right thing to do. And it’s no surprise that you’d say this while you share a bed with a cheater.

That’s debatable. What isn’t is that OP did not care.

[Anonymous]

There is just a fundamental disconnect here, and neither side is really wrong. Some think that an unknowing betrayed spouse is behind harmed by being told of an affair, and some think the betrayed spouse is already being harmed by the affair and has a right to know in order to exercise agency over their life. Each position has some truth to it. My own personal view is that if you learn your spouse is cheating on you, that is your information to do with as you see fit, including disclosing. MYOB does not apply; the affair IS your business. Disclosure can be done for good reasons or bad reasons, and can have good or bad consequences, like any other act.

I understand where those who say “what the betrayed spouse doesn’t know isn’t hurting them and indeed many would not want to know” are coming from, but I disagree. I wouldn’t want to live a lie and would tell for that reason, absent some reason to know the disclosure would be unwelcome or cause harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

And many others would. If you are fine with staying with a cheater, just ignore the information and keep your head in the sand. Don't shoot the messenger because you have no self respect

It's people like you who fall the hardest when life get messy. And it always gets messy. I often wonder what it's like living in a black & white world that you must protect by hurling meaningless insults at people you don't know.

New poster. People who tell the truth “fall the hardest when life gets messy?” You saying this is laughable- it’s the ultimate irony that someone who would prefer to live in denial than know the truth about their marriage and partner would say this. No, life gets hard for those that are so immature and have such little respect for themselves that they can’t cope with the truth about their spouse. And you dare bring kids into this? You are modeling low self esteem and hiding things. There’s a reason that people talk about generational trauma, sounds like you are a big proponent.

Sometimes taking the hard road is more mature and self respecting than cutting ties, taking the nuclear option and burning an entire family and all the involved lives to the ground.

It’s easy to see here who has never faced difficult times by the fact they think they will never face them, and seem to know the “perfect” answer of what they would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

Ummm, NO, that was the cheaters that only care about their genitals and not what it would do their familes, spouses, kids. JFC. You are mentally insane or just really, really dumb. My bet is on both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

You don't seem to GAF about the OP being a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

And many others would. If you are fine with staying with a cheater, just ignore the information and keep your head in the sand. Don't shoot the messenger because you have no self respect

It's people like you who fall the hardest when life get messy. And it always gets messy. I often wonder what it's like living in a black & white world that you must protect by hurling meaningless insults at people you don't know.

New poster. People who tell the truth “fall the hardest when life gets messy?” You saying this is laughable- it’s the ultimate irony that someone who would prefer to live in denial than know the truth about their marriage and partner would say this. No, life gets hard for those that are so immature and have such little respect for themselves that they can’t cope with the truth about their spouse. And you dare bring kids into this? You are modeling low self esteem and hiding things. There’s a reason that people talk about generational trauma, sounds like you are a big proponent.

Sometimes taking the hard road is more mature and self respecting than cutting ties, taking the nuclear option and burning an entire family and all the involved lives to the ground.

It’s easy to see here who has never faced difficult times by the fact they think they will never face them, and seem to know the “perfect” answer of what they would do.

But it's not "burning it all down" it is bringing to light so they can move forward and fix their issues, or not. Whatever they want to do. But it's definitely not "burning it all down".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

the cheaters don't care about anybody's feelings, they don't care who they hurt... spouses/kids/family.

OP is allowing the other spouse to have all the information needed. No lies. Maybe the information leads to therapy and reconciliation. Maybe the information brings to light a mental illness of the APs and they get help.

What it doesn't do it hurt people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

Ummm, NO, that was the cheaters that only care about their genitals and not what it would do their familes, spouses, kids. JFC. You are mentally insane or just really, really dumb. My bet is on both.

Do you think OP cared about the other innocent spouse? Do you think she should have spared a thought about whether she might be hurting them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

I agree. Also, it’s obvious that OP sees herself as an adult in the relationship with the cheater and wants another adult to punish their child-spouse. If a relationship is between two grown ups, they deal with it as equals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

the cheaters don't care about anybody's feelings, they don't care who they hurt... spouses/kids/family.

OP is allowing the other spouse to have all the information needed. No lies. Maybe the information leads to therapy and reconciliation. Maybe the information brings to light a mental illness of the APs and they get help.

What it doesn't do it hurt people.

No, OP didn’t do it to help the other spouse and certainly not to help the AP through a mental illness (seriously?). OP did it because it felt good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

the cheaters don't care about anybody's feelings, they don't care who they hurt... spouses/kids/family.

OP is allowing the other spouse to have all the information needed. No lies. Maybe the information leads to therapy and reconciliation. Maybe the information brings to light a mental illness of the APs and they get help.

What it doesn't do it hurt people.

So, you don’t think OP is a “hurt people”?

Her entire post screams it. There’s nothing about the other spouse, only OPs hurt and how to make herself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.

This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.

Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.

This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.

Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

Then delete the email. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.

This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.

Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

Then delete the email. Problem solved.

Not wanting to know does not mean turning away, when someone deliberately shoves it in your face.