What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

You tell your kid when he gets home from college. You tell the truth. Don’t be an accessory to his lies.
You say Dad is committing adultery with a mistress and chose to leave us. And then give a big hug and grieve together. Also tell all your family who you will see at Thanksgiving so they can support you. You need loved ones more than ever right now.

Sadly Dad is a lousy human and betrayed the whole family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

NP. I"m sorry that DH was the first to tell your DC, especially as you noted early in the thread that DH was likely to spin it in an advantageous or at least "this was mutual" fashion. I'd assume, at this point, that now Dh possibly will keep feeding DC whatever version of things DH prefers. I'd talk to DC tomorrow, and have s sript in hand so you don't wing it and possibly get upset or lose your temper (at DH, not DC). Something along lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't hear it from me, or from DH and me together. You said you weren't sure if he had told me about the divorce. I don't know and don't want to know what he told you, but I discovered he was seeing someone else, and he has chosen to end the marriage, move out of the house, and be with that person. So Thanksgiving break won't be what you expected, or what you deserve, but you and I will be together and that's the most important thing. I know this is a shock and you're digesting this news. What questions do you have for me?" (if none, or if DC seems flummoxed by that) "Don't worry if you dont' want to talk about this now. Think of any questions you have and I'll answer them but it doesn't have to be right now."

Any chance that your STBX will try to get your DC on his "side"? Sometimes that's a factor, sometimes it isn't.

I"m so sorry. OP. I'd keep an eye on DC once DC returns to college, to be sure DC isn't distracted, upset, angered by this, in ways that harm college work or college social life.

This is good advice. Just one edit — I don’t think you should presume DC wants to spend Thanksgiving with you. I would let him know you would love to spend Thanksgiving with him but you understand if he wants to see his dad too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. DC texted me that dh had called them and told them. I will update more later. DC did say “I wasnt sure if he had told you about the divorce yet”. Leaving that here while I digest. I was calm on the phone and did not trash stbx

NP. I"m sorry that DH was the first to tell your DC, especially as you noted early in the thread that DH was likely to spin it in an advantageous or at least "this was mutual" fashion. I'd assume, at this point, that now Dh possibly will keep feeding DC whatever version of things DH prefers. I'd talk to DC tomorrow, and have s sript in hand so you don't wing it and possibly get upset or lose your temper (at DH, not DC). Something along lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't hear it from me, or from DH and me together. You said you weren't sure if he had told me about the divorce. I don't know and don't want to know what he told you, but I discovered he was seeing someone else, and he has chosen to end the marriage, move out of the house, and be with that person. So Thanksgiving break won't be what you expected, or what you deserve, but you and I will be together and that's the most important thing. I know this is a shock and you're digesting this news. What questions do you have for me?" (if none, or if DC seems flummoxed by that) "Don't worry if you dont' want to talk about this now. Think of any questions you have and I'll answer them but it doesn't have to be right now."

Any chance that your STBX will try to get your DC on his "side"? Sometimes that's a factor, sometimes it isn't.

I"m so sorry. OP. I'd keep an eye on DC once DC returns to college, to be sure DC isn't distracted, upset, angered by this, in ways that harm college work or college social life.

This is good advice. Just one edit — I don’t think you should presume DC wants to spend Thanksgiving with you. I would let him know you would love to spend Thanksgiving with him but you understand if he wants to see his dad too.

And on the flip side don’t assume the kid will want to see the dad. Just be there to support the kid, like it sounds like you’re already planning. But let them know it’s okay to want to spend time with their dad too, you will support them whatever they need. I really think this approach did wonders in softening the blow for my own son. Never, ever show any emotion about the situation to the kid. Just support their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have 2 concerns at this time:

1. How to make sure your kid continues to do well in college

and

2. How to pay for your kid's college

Hopefully you had #2 figured out before you chose to uncover your husband's affair and break up the marriage instead of letting the affair smolder. Most affairs eventually stop on their own if you just let them alone. Now this is a much messier situation that is harder to fix.

If you kind of got all emotional and did not really think #2 through, then you need to start thinking about it.

It is horrid, but there is most likely no legal recourse to make your husband pay for your child's college if they choose not to do it. If you are financially set, and kid's tution is all locked in within a dedicated fully funded 529 plan, that is great! Otherwise, you may find out your husband's priorities have waaaaaaaaaaay shifted now.

As to the substance of your question, say whatever you need to your kid to allow them to keep studying instead of getting depressed, or overly involved in this sordid affair. You are super focused on your own feelings of being betrayed right now. These are important, but if you can, talk them through with the therapist or something, and focus on supporting your child.

WTF?? Way to victim blame.

I'm doing everything I can NOT to play victim and I don't want to be seen as a victim. I am really trying to put together a list of steps I need to take to protect dc and myself financially, and dc emotionally as best as possible. There's some great advice here. There are some nasty responses but I take those with a grain of salt. Random attacks from internet strangers aren't piercing my armor right now. I have bigger fish to fry. The poster you are responding to has some axe to grind for whatever reason. That's their issue, not mine. But thanks for having my back

Dear OP, no axe to grind. Just reality of paying for college. If you are a family with a fully funded 529, or if child is attending college on a full scholarship, that is one story. If you are a family that is cash floating much of the tuition burden, unfortunately you may be up against significant obstacles.

Anyway, it sounds like your husband told your child before finals, so he means business about the divorce and is not too worried about your kid’s ability to handle the news (or does not care).

I hope it works well for you!

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read the thread.

Has the husband filed for divorce yet or is he lazy & want OP to or is this all talk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just be honest with your son. I would have the conversation sooner rather than at Thanksgiving break (3 weeks away). If you are within driving distance, I would visit ASAP and talk in person. Remind him that you are there to answer his questions today and in the future. Also, I would bring up the therapy conversation because this is hard situation to navigate.
Hang in there. You sound like a good mom. Your emotions are going to be all over the place too.

Aren’t midterms right before Thanksgiving?

Just pick the kid up at break or the airport and go take a walk and tell him.

[Anonymous]

Kid is an adult who deserves to know the truth. They can choose their extent of relationship with each parent now. You don't need to cover for a cheating DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just be honest with your son. I would have the conversation sooner rather than at Thanksgiving break (3 weeks away). If you are within driving distance, I would visit ASAP and talk in person. Remind him that you are there to answer his questions today and in the future. Also, I would bring up the therapy conversation because this is hard situation to navigate.
Hang in there. You sound like a good mom. Your emotions are going to be all over the place too.

Aren’t midterms right before Thanksgiving?

Just pick the kid up at break or the airport and go take a walk and tell him.

Midterms have happened. Finals are right after Thanksgiving break. My daughter has classes M-W after Thanksgiving and then her exams begin.

The timing is really bad. OP, can you all wait until your DC comes home for Winter Break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

Is it the same poster who keeps trying to pass all blame on OP? Is her DH posting?

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems there are some mistresses or trolls here. Please don’t hesitate to tell your kid that you knew, but struggled with how/when to tell them. Also, create a warm welcome asap for kid to return, and keep the traditions alive for them. They shouldn’t be made to play nice to ex just to get college money. You should get alimony and if ex is guilty enough he should fund college. Not legally binding but worth a try.
Im so sorry you are going through this. You have done nothing to deserve this,nor has your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

Like most “runaway husbands”, probably like OPs husband, he had serious character flaws, avoidant personality and covert or overt narcissism.
He also has some childhood trauma and borderline personality.
But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't volunteer unless asked, and if asked, just the facts. Your Dad is in a relationship with someone else.

This.

He left you, right?

You are in the right to say that. Your DC is an adult. He will figure it out, but if you lie for your ex, he’ll always remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him.

OMG - OP here and this is my dh to a t. And I have tried to get him to reframe his mindset for 30 years. Even something as simple as having a small fender bender caused by him. He can't frame this stuff as "I had a small accident". He framed it as "The car got hurt." When we had our conversation the other day I didn't argue with any of the accusations he threw at me. I just said "you're really building a rock solid case against me in your mind but I'm not hearing you accept any responsibility for the collapse of this relationship. Even if all the things you think about me were true, you're missing a really important element and that part is your role." He has never wanted to go to therapy for himself. He's been fine all these years with me seeing someone (though I don't have a therapist at the moment...) and probably convinced himself that he doesn't need it because I am the one who needs fixing. Hell yeah I need fixing but in this situation it's going to be so challenging to work things out with someone who has zero tools to rely on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

My freshmen college roommate and her brother (upperclassmen) were destroyed when something like this happened to them. They had a very hard time with it. They said they felt like there entire childhood was a lie. They were very depressed and also so angry at their dad. His timing is awful. There is a misconception kids are older it won’t matter/-/but college kids need that safety and security net at home with so much change.

+1

Yeah. Kid needs to be watched after this news. A lot of mental health issues in campuses these days and getting this type of news - out of the blue— can be the impetus for an episode. Kids like a secure home base.

OP - please, read this above said! I’m telling this as a mother who made a mistake and dumped my trauma on my only child in a similar situation
My DS fell very depressed at 17-18, and started abusing substances. First year in college he was diagnosed with episodes of suicide idealization. Your jerk husband is not worth placing your kid under such risk. Be as gentle as you can and yes, just lie and say it’s totally amicable and you just grew apart. Think of your child’s best interests now. Young men in particular are depression prone