Reply to What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

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Reply to "What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year. [/quote]

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?[/quote]

But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him. [/quote]

OMG - OP here and this is my dh to a t. And I have tried to get him to reframe his mindset for 30 years. Even something as simple as having a small fender bender caused by him. He can't frame this stuff as "I had a small accident". He framed it as "The car got hurt." When we had our conversation the other day I didn't argue with any of the accusations he threw at me. I just said "you're really building a rock solid case against me in your mind but I'm not hearing you accept any responsibility for the collapse of this relationship. Even if all the things you think about me were true, you're missing a really important element and that part is your role." He has never wanted to go to therapy for himself. He's been fine all these years with me seeing someone (though I don't have a therapist at the moment...) and probably convinced himself that he doesn't need it because I am the one who needs fixing. Hell yeah I need fixing but in this situation it's going to be so challenging to work things out with someone who has zero tools to rely on.[/quote]

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years. Sounds like both of you play the victim and blame others.

If you blame everything on him, your kids are going to get tired of that. Be factual about the cheating. But if you blame him for your choice and decision to not work or other issues in your relationship - you are really no different from him. [/quote]

DP. I cant find where OP says she does not and never did work, but even if she is/was an SAHM -- WTF are you blaming her for? Many famillies have one SAH parent, an arrangement usually thought through, discussed and agreed upon by BOTH spouses as the best thing for the family. You seem to be in the camp of "women who do not bring in an income are responsible for their own demise." No, not if they and a spouse who later cheated and left had agreed on, and arranged family finances around, a needed SAH arrangement.

Saying, as you do above, that somehow a woman's SAH status is a reason to blame and shame HER when her DH cheats and leaves -- that's sick. You must have been badly burned by being left with nothing when your DH left, or you're the angry ex-DH who is furious you have to pay your ex-wife a penny. Either way, treating the idea of "no income-producing job outside the home" as equivalent to "you're just as as bad as your cheating DH" is simply insane. (And before you bash at me--I've been both in a career and SAH.) 
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