Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who says she cheated but she wouldn't tolerate a revenge affair, the thing is, you just never know until it happens to you, and then it depends on a lot of factors. I'm sure I would have said I would never stay after an affair, but when you have a chronic illness and two preschool aged kids, plus there's still love and your husband commits to changing, suddenly the "never" is out the window.

It seems odd to preach forgiveness for yourself but not for your spouse. I do agree that a tit for tat mentality is not healthy. But if your very human husband, in his grief and shock, made the very same mistakes that you made, would you really not consider staying?

You’re still not getting it. I wouldn’t leave because of any one thing. I would leave because of ALL THE THINGS. Because there were a lot of things that happened BEFORE the emotional affair that made the marriage super broken. If DH cheated instead of committing to the marriage it would just be the final piece of evidence that the marriage is not even salvageable.

The accepted narrative here is that people who commit adultery are self-indulgent babies who should be grateful that their angelic spouses ever look at them again and I certainly don’t think that was true in my case and I suspect it’s not true for a lot of cases.

I apologized to DH but I certainly wasn’t going to grovel. And DH was hurt but I don’t think he was traumatized, shocked, devastated, etc. He doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat obsessing or remind me about it. He thought the whole thing was kind of silly and in retrospect so do I. He’s a pretty happy person in general and was happy to rebuild the marriage. So am I. Reading that it seems like Esther Perel type nonsense but it’s what happened.

I mean it sounds like you’re talking about flirting not actually having an affair. Most men don’t care about “emotional affairs.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

Actually, I am not the person you think you are responding to. You are assuming in just the same way you are accusing others of doing. You put a situation out on the Internet - detailed or not - and seem surprised that anonymous posters are commenting and adding detail.

You just did the same thing to my post. Assuming I am angry and bitter. Nope, but your response is, as you say, interesting.

Enjoy the rush.

Nope my response was directed to you alone. I suspect you didn’t even read back through the thread to see what I originally said to begin with.

Of course I didn’t read back through your whole navel-gazing display. The fact that you are spending this much time discussing yourself is enough to know you like the attention. Dopamine is a powerful drug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

Actually, I am not the person you think you are responding to. You are assuming in just the same way you are accusing others of doing. You put a situation out on the Internet - detailed or not - and seem surprised that anonymous posters are commenting and adding detail.

You just did the same thing to my post. Assuming I am angry and bitter. Nope, but your response is, as you say, interesting.

Enjoy the rush.

Nope my response was directed to you alone. I suspect you didn’t even read back through the thread to see what I originally said to begin with.

Of course I didn’t read back through your whole navel-gazing display. The fact that you are spending this much time discussing yourself is enough to know you like the attention. Dopamine is a powerful drug.

Uh. Ok. You’re definitely not angry or bitter or mean, nothing to see here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

Actually, I am not the person you think you are responding to. You are assuming in just the same way you are accusing others of doing. You put a situation out on the Internet - detailed or not - and seem surprised that anonymous posters are commenting and adding detail.

You just did the same thing to my post. Assuming I am angry and bitter. Nope, but your response is, as you say, interesting.

Enjoy the rush.

Nope my response was directed to you alone. I suspect you didn’t even read back through the thread to see what I originally said to begin with.

Of course I didn’t read back through your whole navel-gazing display. The fact that you are spending this much time discussing yourself is enough to know you like the attention. Dopamine is a powerful drug.

Uh. Ok. You’re definitely not angry or bitter or mean, nothing to see here!

Nope, just entertained by your antics. Please, carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

[Anonymous]

100% I would. I would also let my spouse know that if we stay together, I will even the score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

You make the wrong assumption that people who want monogamy are not interested in sex - nothing could be further from the truth. I find that monogamy makes sex better because it provides a level of trust and safety and focus that is the foundation for great sex. YMMV, but that’s how my sexuality works. There is nothing wrong with me, just as there is nothing wrong with other people who do not want monogamy and prefer multiple partners.

What is wrong is breaking agreed upon parameters for sex. What is wrong is lying to your sexual partner in order to get them to keep sleeping with you when you know they would not if they knew you were sleeping with others. I ended my marriage when my husband cheated on me precisely because I think good sex is part of a healthy life, and I knew that I would never have the trust and safety with him that was necessary for ME to have a good sex life in the future. It wasn’t about “revenge”.

Surely, if he justifies sleeping with other women as necessary to his sexual fulfillment (even though we had an active sex life that he never complained about and begged to continue) - surely I’m allowed to end the relationship in the interests of my own sex life. It really would have felt gross to keep sleeping with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

[Anonymous]

I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Sure you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

He’s doing it for the sex, not because he resents his wife. I’m not sure how it is that people aren’t getting this …