Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't stay together. I'd divorce for myself and the kids - to teach them that you don't put up with being betrayed and being put at risk for STD's, and you honor vows. And no, I wouldn't have a revenge affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

When my husband cheated, my high school sweetheart was newly single. He gets in touch every few years with some kind of special memory. I blocked him on SM to remove the temptation to reach out to him.

And to be honest, I wasn't too concerned about my husband's feelings at that time. But I knew that affairs are selfish, short-sighted, and destructive. Why would I do that to myself or to my imaginary AP? The endorphins would be brief, but the consequences would be long.

Ten years later, I know I made the right decision. If I want to be with someone else, I'll open my marriage, end my marriage, or work through those feelings some other way. But cheating is just a short term high with long-lasting harm.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

You're responding to me. You mention potential psychological benefits . . . I suppose you mean in the self-esteem department? Thankfully, that was not an issue for me. My spouse's desire to have sex with someone else was about his own biology and psychology. It had nothing to do with whether I was hot or worthy. The fact that I removed a temptation showed that I already believed I was hot and worthy. If that was impacted by my husband being a sexual creature susceptible to temptation, or whether or not I could get someone to sleep with me (duh, of course I could), then it wasn't based on anything of substance.

I highly doubt that 100% of people believe that a revenge fling is not cheating. That is way too high. I don't know of any great philosophers who preach that two wrongs make a right. Now do I think my spouse would have accepted a revenge affair? Quite possibly. I think he would have felt enough shame and guilt to stay with me despite it. But again, it would have been lots of mess and hurt for a very momentary bit of fun. Just because he did the same thing first doesn't change those realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

When my husband cheated, my high school sweetheart was newly single. He gets in touch every few years with some kind of special memory. I blocked him on SM to remove the temptation to reach out to him.

And to be honest, I wasn't too concerned about my husband's feelings at that time. But I knew that affairs are selfish, short-sighted, and destructive. Why would I do that to myself or to my imaginary AP? The endorphins would be brief, but the consequences would be long.

Ten years later, I know I made the right decision. If I want to be with someone else, I'll open my marriage, end my marriage, or work through those feelings some other way. But cheating is just a short term high with long-lasting harm.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

You're responding to me. You mention potential psychological benefits . . . I suppose you mean in the self-esteem department? Thankfully, that was not an issue for me. My spouse's desire to have sex with someone else was about his own biology and psychology. It had nothing to do with whether I was hot or worthy. The fact that I removed a temptation showed that I already believed I was hot and worthy. If that was impacted by my husband being a sexual creature susceptible to temptation, or whether or not I could get someone to sleep with me (duh, of course I could), then it wasn't based on anything of substance.

I highly doubt that 100% of people believe that a revenge fling is not cheating. That is way too high. I don't know of any great philosophers who preach that two wrongs make a right. Now do I think my spouse would have accepted a revenge affair? Quite possibly. I think he would have felt enough shame and guilt to stay with me despite it. But again, it would have been lots of mess and hurt for a very momentary bit of fun. Just because he did the same thing first doesn't change those realities.

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Don’t you post this exact same question every few weeks? If you have been following through and getting your revenge, then you’ve well surpassed your spouse at this point.

Please just get a divorce.
This is so toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

When my husband cheated, my high school sweetheart was newly single. He gets in touch every few years with some kind of special memory. I blocked him on SM to remove the temptation to reach out to him.

And to be honest, I wasn't too concerned about my husband's feelings at that time. But I knew that affairs are selfish, short-sighted, and destructive. Why would I do that to myself or to my imaginary AP? The endorphins would be brief, but the consequences would be long.

Ten years later, I know I made the right decision. If I want to be with someone else, I'll open my marriage, end my marriage, or work through those feelings some other way. But cheating is just a short term high with long-lasting harm.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

You're responding to me. You mention potential psychological benefits . . . I suppose you mean in the self-esteem department? Thankfully, that was not an issue for me. My spouse's desire to have sex with someone else was about his own biology and psychology. It had nothing to do with whether I was hot or worthy. The fact that I removed a temptation showed that I already believed I was hot and worthy. If that was impacted by my husband being a sexual creature susceptible to temptation, or whether or not I could get someone to sleep with me (duh, of course I could), then it wasn't based on anything of substance.

I highly doubt that 100% of people believe that a revenge fling is not cheating. That is way too high. I don't know of any great philosophers who preach that two wrongs make a right. Now do I think my spouse would have accepted a revenge affair? Quite possibly. I think he would have felt enough shame and guilt to stay with me despite it. But again, it would have been lots of mess and hurt for a very momentary bit of fun. Just because he did the same thing first doesn't change those realities.

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

I'm not following. Equals how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

It goes against everything in my make up. I would never cheat it goes against my own honor code and value system.

I can hold my head high and be satisfied in the manner I lived my life, honesty and integrity.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stopped to that nastiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

It goes against everything in my make up. I would never cheat it goes against my own honor code and value system.

I can hold my head high and be satisfied in the manner I lived my life, honesty and integrity.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stopped to that nastiness.

*stooped

[Anonymous]

My sibling and their spouse did that and stayed together. It seemed to help them move past it. I wouldn't say they have a healthy relationship but they are past the anger / trauma betrayal of the affairs and before the revenge affair the betrayed spouse had been stuck in anger and trauma. The original affair was sexual, the revenge affair was emotional so I guess this let them feel they had an affair but kept the moral high ground of keeping it non sexual

[Anonymous]

ONS, yes. AP, probably not.

[Anonymous]

You sound toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

It goes against everything in my make up. I would never cheat it goes against my own honor code and value system.

I can hold my head high and be satisfied in the manner I lived my life, honesty and integrity.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stopped to that nastiness.

so you don’t like sex, got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

Why not negotiate an open marriage with your spouse? Since sleeping with someone else is just "expanding your horizons" . . .