Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

And she has the data?


quote=Anonymous]

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I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated and you stayed together for the kids, would you revenge cheat?

My mom did. I don't know the details, and the parents hid it from us and we never knew, and they are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.

Oh, ewww... Honesty is for YOU, because you're an honest person. It's not some sort of bonus that needs to be earned. You're either honest or you're not. If you are, cheating and other dishonest behaviors are off the menu. If you're not, no amount of someone else being trustworthy is going to make you more honest.

As someone who has been in this situation, I'll just say..... healthy adults have boundaries. I don't go around telling total strangers personal things about myself - how I feel, what I know (or don't), whether I am having sex (or not), making promises about the future - that kind of information is for people I know and trust (trust that they won't use it to manipulate me). My husband essentially became a stranger overnight to me - everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. Of course he doesn't enjoy the same level of honesty from me that he had before. I'm not going to engage in lies of
commission, but there's an awful lot I don't share or won't answer and that is for my own safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.

Oh, ewww... Honesty is for YOU, because you're an honest person. It's not some sort of bonus that needs to be earned. You're either honest or you're not. If you are, cheating and other dishonest behaviors are off the menu. If you're not, no amount of someone else being trustworthy is going to make you more honest.

As someone who has been in this situation, I'll just say..... healthy adults have boundaries. I don't go around telling total strangers personal things about myself - how I feel, what I know (or don't), whether I am having sex (or not), making promises about the future - that kind of information is for people I know and trust (trust that they won't use it to manipulate me). My husband essentially became a stranger overnight to me - everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. Of course he doesn't enjoy the same level of honesty from me that he had before. I'm not going to engage in lies of
commission, but there's an awful lot I don't share or won't answer and that is for my own safety.

DP. I agree. We do not owe everyone all information. And furthermore, there’s nothing dishonest about an affair after your spouse has done the same. They are no longer entitled to that level of information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And she has the data?


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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

I've more than made up for lost time since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And she has the data?


quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

I've more than made up for lost time since then.

Then what are you upset about? And aren’t you glad you didn’t drag some woman into your drama with your wife? Or are women just sexual tools to you?

[Anonymous]

As long as the women aren't being mislead, no biggie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And she has the data?


quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

I've more than made up for lost time since then.

Then what are you upset about? And aren’t you glad you didn’t drag some woman into your drama with your wife? Or are women just sexual tools to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as the women aren't being mislead, no biggie.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:And she has the data?


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I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

I've more than made up for lost time since then.

Then what are you upset about? And aren’t you glad you didn’t drag some woman into your drama with your wife? Or are women just sexual tools to you?

I'm not upset. I was just thinking back how my sexual fidelity may have meant something to me then but if I had to go back in time, it wouldn't. That's all. Don't put words in my mouth or make assumptions about how I feel about women.

[Anonymous]

I am having a revenge fling. That’s the only way I can get through the pain of my wife’s affair.

Maybe I will be able to forgive her. Or maybe I will leave. No decision until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a revenge fling. That’s the only way I can get through the pain of my wife’s affair.

Maybe I will be able to forgive her. Or maybe I will leave. No decision until the kids are older.

Enjoy the affair while you can. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

I know I deserve it. It's the only way I can get through this

quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a revenge fling. That’s the only way I can get through the pain of my wife’s affair.

Maybe I will be able to forgive her. Or maybe I will leave. No decision until the kids are older.

Enjoy the affair while you can. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as the women aren't being mislead, no biggie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And she has the data?


quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.

PP. having done some things I’m not proud of I would say your faithfulness was it’s own reward.

Where is the reward? If you mean, I get to claim the high moral ground and say I never cheated, looking back, that meant something to me at the time. Later on, it doesn't. I just wasted way to many years in a marriage I should have ended long before and those missed opportunities I now count as a loss.

We all tell ourselves stories after the fact. You are telling yourself this story that you had "missed opportunities" when in reality... they were probably not that great.

That's fair but, I'm pretty sure some of them would have been really great.

So go out and have some hot sex now! If you had opportunities before you can have them again. Enjoy the fact that you didn't lose your integrity in the marriage and didn't drag some third person into a psychodrama with your wife. Enjoy your life for what it is now.

I've more than made up for lost time since then.

Then what are you upset about? And aren’t you glad you didn’t drag some woman into your drama with your wife? Or are women just sexual tools to you?

I'm not upset. I was just thinking back how my sexual fidelity may have meant something to me then but if I had to go back in time, it wouldn't. That's all. Don't put words in my mouth or make assumptions about how I feel about women.

What does this even mean? Your “sexual fidelity” means whatever it means to you, it’s not for other people, and you definitely can’t go back in time and change things so what is your speculation/regret about? Doing the right thing is always worth it.

Maybe get therapy to help you understand what is going on with you and understand what morals and ethics are. Being an upstanding and moral person isn’t for other people’s benefit, it’s for yours. It shouldn’t have an external reward, but an internal one: knowing you did the right thing. I think it’s so sad people on this board don’t get that.

[Anonymous]

No. But I might do a lot more harmless flirting and make him squirm a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.

Oh, ewww... Honesty is for YOU, because you're an honest person. It's not some sort of bonus that needs to be earned. You're either honest or you're not. If you are, cheating and other dishonest behaviors are off the menu. If you're not, no amount of someone else being trustworthy is going to make you more honest.

As someone who has been in this situation, I'll just say..... healthy adults have boundaries. I don't go around telling total strangers personal things about myself - how I feel, what I know (or don't), whether I am having sex (or not), making promises about the future - that kind of information is for people I know and trust (trust that they won't use it to manipulate me). My husband essentially became a stranger overnight to me - everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. Of course he doesn't enjoy the same level of honesty from me that he had before. I'm not going to engage in lies of
commission, but there's an awful lot I don't share or won't answer and that is for my own safety.

Bullpoopoo. You'd be perfectly "safe" to not cheat. If you're being a sneaking, cheating, jerk, you've compromised your own safety with your behavior.

Boundaries aren't about secrecy, and there's no need for secrets if you have integrity. Not telling your whole life story isn't at all the same as not telling your spouse you're fscking someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So he gets to dictate all terms of your new marriage? The old marriage died when he betrayed you. If you stay you will be building a new one (which may end up to be a better one) and that takes time. You can’t just magically begin to trust him again just b/c he says he’s sorry. It’s not fair to expect you to process the betrayal, basically be forced into staying b/c of the kids AND trust him again all in a matter of weeks or months. What do YOU need to be able to move forward? Do you need him to feel the same pain of betrayal so you feel understood? Most men divorce when their wives cheat - they can’t handle that pain. Too humiliating.

IMHO if you really feel like you have to stay for the kids, then do what YOU need to do to move forward. You don’t owe him honesty until he’s earned your trust back.

Oh, ewww... Honesty is for YOU, because you're an honest person. It's not some sort of bonus that needs to be earned. You're either honest or you're not. If you are, cheating and other dishonest behaviors are off the menu. If you're not, no amount of someone else being trustworthy is going to make you more honest.

As someone who has been in this situation, I'll just say..... healthy adults have boundaries. I don't go around telling total strangers personal things about myself - how I feel, what I know (or don't), whether I am having sex (or not), making promises about the future - that kind of information is for people I know and trust (trust that they won't use it to manipulate me). My husband essentially became a stranger overnight to me - everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. Of course he doesn't enjoy the same level of honesty from me that he had before. I'm not going to engage in lies of
commission, but there's an awful lot I don't share or won't answer and that is for my own safety.

DP. I agree. We do not owe everyone all information. And furthermore, there’s nothing dishonest about an affair after your spouse has done the same. They are no longer entitled to that level of information.

This is disgusting. "He cheated, so I don't have to tell him I'm cheating to because it's not cheating because he cheated"

That's a LOT of mental yoga, PP.