Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

I definitely would not have a revenge affair, but if we did have sex I might seriously think I’m with someone else especially if I’m lying face down and can’t see my husbands face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated and you stayed together for the kids, would you revenge cheat?

If you aren't able to handle it in a mature way, break up. No point in staying and playing games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

It goes against everything in my make up. I would never cheat it goes against my own honor code and value system.

I can hold my head high and be satisfied in the manner I lived my life, honesty and integrity.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stopped to that nastiness.

so you don’t like sex, got it.

Every cheater who posts here and hears something they disagree with says what you said. Best defense is a good offense, amirite?

Grow up. Make your own decisions and own them.

[Anonymous]

No, don't act crazy! How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

Why not negotiate an open marriage with your spouse? Since sleeping with someone else is just "expanding your horizons" . . .

I think the idea is that by cheating first, the other spouse tacitly opened the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely would not have a revenge affair, but if we did have sex I might seriously think I’m with someone else especially if I’m lying face down and can’t see my husbands face.

you never do that during sex now …? honey that’s not cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

Regain some agency? In this scenario the way to regain agency is to leave the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

Regain some agency? In this scenario the way to regain agency is to leave the cheater.

I just find this a really curious attitude. I generally roll my eyes at “open marriage” people, but the one scenario I can personally imagine it making a ton of sense is in the wake of an affair (provided the opportunity). I’d much rather replace thoughts of betrayal with memories of a nice fling. Not sure why this is a worse outcome than tanking the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

OP called it revenge cheating.

You think it might be a healthier response. Perhaps it would be for you. Others are saying it would not be for them. Why is that a problem for you and why do you think people who disagree are too prim or don’t like sex? Why are you asking people’s opinions and then arguing when they provide it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

Regain some agency? In this scenario the way to regain agency is to leave the cheater.

I just find this a really curious attitude. I generally roll my eyes at “open marriage” people, but the one scenario I can personally imagine it making a ton of sense is in the wake of an affair (provided the opportunity). I’d much rather replace thoughts of betrayal with memories of a nice fling. Not sure why this is a worse outcome than tanking the marriage.

Does your view really make sense?

If having a revenge affair is a “nice fling,” then why would you be upset enough about your spouse having an affair that you would want “revenge?”

Either an affair is a gross betrayal of the person you love or it is sexy tempting fun. Acknowledging that perhaps it is both adds some nuance to the conversation that most people who are betrayed don’t seem to feel. If you think that it is a ton of fun, why do you blame your spouse for trying it? If you think that the experience of sleeping around outside the marriage has inherent value, does that mean you understand why your spouse gave in and did it? Let them know that it sounds fun and you’re going to try it out too. What is the point of sneaking around? That creates guilt. Just open the marriage in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

Regain some agency? In this scenario the way to regain agency is to leave the cheater.

I just find this a really curious attitude. I generally roll my eyes at “open marriage” people, but the one scenario I can personally imagine it making a ton of sense is in the wake of an affair (provided the opportunity). I’d much rather replace thoughts of betrayal with memories of a nice fling. Not sure why this is a worse outcome than tanking the marriage.

Does your view really make sense?

If having a revenge affair is a “nice fling,” then why would you be upset enough about your spouse having an affair that you would want “revenge?”

Either an affair is a gross betrayal of the person you love or it is sexy tempting fun. Acknowledging that perhaps it is both adds some nuance to the conversation that most people who are betrayed don’t seem to feel. If you think that it is a ton of fun, why do you blame your spouse for trying it? If you think that the experience of sleeping around outside the marriage has inherent value, does that mean you understand why your spouse gave in and did it? Let them know that it sounds fun and you’re going to try it out too. What is the point of sneaking around? That creates guilt. Just open the marriage in that case.

Yes exactly.

Adults use their words. They don't wonder or imagine that they have tacit approval to do something. Just say the thing out loud to your spouse, and go from there.

Everyone should have agency. That's why affairs are wrong . . . because they are foisted upon a third party who didn't choose them. Otherwise, it's consenting adults, and that's all good.

If you have to argue on the internet that you have tacit permission to do something, methinks the lady doth protest too much . . .

[Anonymous]

No. I would file for divorce. Staying married ‘for the kids’ is a toxic environment for children.

[Anonymous]

Nope, because why should I throw away my principles and integrity just because my spouse did? That would make me feel even worse.