Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

He’s doing it for the sex, not because he resents his wife. I’m not sure how it is that people aren’t getting this …

Then he could do it openly. Open the marriage if you love sex so much. Otherwise you’re no better than the original cheater. Not sure how people don’t understand that two wrongs don’t make a right and you’re not on the moral high ground just because your spouse did it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

He’s doing it for the sex, not because he resents his wife. I’m not sure how it is that people aren’t getting this …

You are both projecting. That PP seems to be an adult. Let him tell you why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

DP. No, not out of the sanctity of monogamy. Because I gave my word and that actually means something to me.

You and I have different values. Don’t know how you aren’t getting this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

I think the better question is why you are in a monogamous relationship when you don't see the point of monogamy.

I'm not the person who is unhappy with what I chose, so I don't think the onus is on me to explain myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

He’s doing it for the sex, not because he resents his wife. I’m not sure how it is that people aren’t getting this …

Then he could do it openly. Open the marriage if you love sex so much. Otherwise you’re no better than the original cheater. Not sure how people don’t understand that two wrongs don’t make a right and you’re not on the moral high ground just because your spouse did it first.

Nobody said he was on the moral high ground

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Several PPs have mentioned willing exes …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

DP. No, not out of the sanctity of monogamy. Because I gave my word and that actually means something to me.

You and I have different values. Don’t know how you aren’t getting this.

Get off your high horse. It’s fine that you wouldn’t; but most people understand that your “word” was vitiated when your partner cheated.

[Anonymous]

Eye for and eye and tooth for a tooth!

Getting divorced is complicated when you have kids…much easier to get your revenge while keeping the status quo.

quote=Anonymous][

quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a few flings to even things out after my wife's affair.

Why are you even staying married? Move on with your life. Why stay married to someone you resent enough to do this?

He’s doing it for the sex, not because he resents his wife. I’m not sure how it is that people aren’t getting this …

Then he could do it openly. Open the marriage if you love sex so much. Otherwise you’re no better than the original cheater. Not sure how people don’t understand that two wrongs don’t make a right and you’re not on the moral high ground just because your spouse did it first.

[Anonymous]

How many women here would turn down a fling with Tom Brady? Answer honestly.

quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many women here would turn down a fling with Tom Brady? Answer honestly.

quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Nor is it guaranteed to be without consequences to your mental health, family structure, employment, social standing, etc. down the road. Nothing exists in a vacuum.

This question is like, "If you could do heroin without any ill effects or risk of addiction, would you?" Um, I guess? But that's not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

DP. No, not out of the sanctity of monogamy. Because I gave my word and that actually means something to me.

You and I have different values. Don’t know how you aren’t getting this.

Get off your high horse. It’s fine that you wouldn’t; but most people understand that your “word” was vitiated when your partner cheated.

See, you and I have different values. Whatever. Do what you want. I’m not telling you how to behave. Why are you insisting on telling me my values are wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many women here would turn down a fling with Tom Brady?

Eww.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

+1. If you cheated on me. It is not cheating when I sleep with someone else. The marriage and vow of fidelity was broken by the person who first cheated. To cheat and expect your spouse to owe you continued fidelity is a mind-boggling narcissistic feat.

If you are hurt by my sleeping with someone else after you cheated, you really need therapy to examine your lack of empathy and sense of equity.

I chose to treat my marriage as an equal partnership, and I am not going to invest energy in my marriage in a way that is mot matched by my spouse. If spouse can't maintain fidelity, then I don't have an obligation to either. It's not revenge, it's equality.

This is supposing that sleeping around is something I've given up as a favor or as part of a negotiation with my spouse. I don't think everyone view monogamy like eating their vegetables; I certainly don't. I conduct myself in a way that aligns with my values; I don't scamper off to mistreat people the second I am mistreated. If I can't have the healthy, monogamous relationship that I desire with my spouse, then I'll exit the relationship. But I won't start mistreating them to make things "equal."

Because you’re not that interested in sex. (Which is ok.)

That's a very weird (and incorrect) assumption to make. My spouse did have an affair. And we have lots and lots of sex. I'm just not having it with someone who isn't my spouse.

you’re saying if the PERFECT scenario arose, you’d say no out of some notion of the sanctity of monogamy?

What exactly is the “perfect” scenario? Opportunities for sex with an attractive person don’t just fall into married people’s laps, no matter what people on this forum claim.

Trust me, sometimes they do. It’s surprising and thrilling when it happens.

They fell into my lap several times when I was married. I regret the opportunities I didn't take at the time. My faithfulness amounted to nothing.