Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

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Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

lololol!! so you were entitled to cheat and be forgiven; yet your husband cheating would be unforgivable and the end of the marriage?

After infidelity some people decide to repair the marriage in a real way, and won’t tolerate less than that. It’s not “unforgivable,” it’s just not a marriage anymore once you are having revenge affairs. That’s my opinion.

That doesn’t fit into the “martyr/victim that needs the betrayer to snivel for forgiveness permanently” paradigm that some of you mistake for “healing.” Oh well.

Can you honestly not see the utter hypocrisy in taking your high horse anout “not tolerating infidelity”?? It’s one thing to talk about forgiveness; quite another to try to claim some kind of moral high ground here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

lololol!! so you were entitled to cheat and be forgiven; yet your husband cheating would be unforgivable and the end of the marriage?

After infidelity some people decide to repair the marriage in a real way, and won’t tolerate less than that. It’s not “unforgivable,” it’s just not a marriage anymore once you are having revenge affairs. That’s my opinion.

That doesn’t fit into the “martyr/victim that needs the betrayer to snivel for forgiveness permanently” paradigm that some of you mistake for “healing.” Oh well.

Can you honestly not see the utter hypocrisy in taking your high horse anout “not tolerating infidelity”?? It’s one thing to talk about forgiveness; quite another to try to claim some kind of moral high ground here.

You’re missing the point. It’s not about the moral high ground at all. Honestly, who cares? A marriage can be perfectly miserable with or without infidelity and you get to decide what you are willing to put up with, hypocritical or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Is this the same guy who posted months ago about the same thing. If you are still thinking of doing it but haven’t I say don’t. Talk to a professional and learn how to forgive for your own peace of mind. Carrying anger and resentment around is not healthy. If you cannot ever get over the cheating then end the marriage. Don’t be too hard on yourself and recognize that you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who says she cheated but she wouldn't tolerate a revenge affair, the thing is, you just never know until it happens to you, and then it depends on a lot of factors. I'm sure I would have said I would never stay after an affair, but when you have a chronic illness and two preschool aged kids, plus there's still love and your husband commits to changing, suddenly the "never" is out the window.

It seems odd to preach forgiveness for yourself but not for your spouse. I do agree that a tit for tat mentality is not healthy. But if your very human husband, in his grief and shock, made the very same mistakes that you made, would you really not consider staying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

DP. Ok please explain it again:

You had an intense emotional affair that your DH discovered and forgave.

You proclaim you could never forgive him if he also had an affair.

Is that right

I actually didn’t say that, I said the marriage would probably be over. And… it probably would, right? If hurting each other and taking revenge back and forth and escalating became a continuous component of the marriage, I’m not interested. No bad feelings necessary.

As it was DH even apologized to me and admitted that he had ignored me and taken me for granted for a long time. And then we moved forward. This is all clearly very infuriating to some of you and that’s just sort of funny to me. Other people are going to run their marriages how they want. Deal with it.

I think the issue is that “revenge” is being used a bit loosely here to mean just giving yourself permission to take the same liberties your spouse did. Not necessarily to hurt the other spouse.

No, some people are using revenge in the sense of hurting the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who says she cheated but she wouldn't tolerate a revenge affair, the thing is, you just never know until it happens to you, and then it depends on a lot of factors. I'm sure I would have said I would never stay after an affair, but when you have a chronic illness and two preschool aged kids, plus there's still love and your husband commits to changing, suddenly the "never" is out the window.

It seems odd to preach forgiveness for yourself but not for your spouse. I do agree that a tit for tat mentality is not healthy. But if your very human husband, in his grief and shock, made the very same mistakes that you made, would you really not consider staying?

You’re still not getting it. I wouldn’t leave because of any one thing. I would leave because of ALL THE THINGS. Because there were a lot of things that happened BEFORE the emotional affair that made the marriage super broken. If DH cheated instead of committing to the marriage it would just be the final piece of evidence that the marriage is not even salvageable.

The accepted narrative here is that people who commit adultery are self-indulgent babies who should be grateful that their angelic spouses ever look at them again and I certainly don’t think that was true in my case and I suspect it’s not true for a lot of cases.

I apologized to DH but I certainly wasn’t going to grovel. And DH was hurt but I don’t think he was traumatized, shocked, devastated, etc. He doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat obsessing or remind me about it. He thought the whole thing was kind of silly and in retrospect so do I. He’s a pretty happy person in general and was happy to rebuild the marriage. So am I. Reading that it seems like Esther Perel type nonsense but it’s what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

Actually, I am not the person you think you are responding to. You are assuming in just the same way you are accusing others of doing. You put a situation out on the Internet - detailed or not - and seem surprised that anonymous posters are commenting and adding detail.

You just did the same thing to my post. Assuming I am angry and bitter. Nope, but your response is, as you say, interesting.

Enjoy the rush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated and you stayed together for the kids, would you revenge cheat?

Well no. I have dignity and integrity and I am not about to sacrifice those out of spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

You put your situation on an anonymous message board. Of course people are going to comment. That’s why you posted. It’s also probably why you cheat.

At least try for some level of self-awareness.

Are YOU self aware? Do you know why you have done so much colouring in between the lines? I suspect, but don’t know, that you are angry and bitter with someone else. I’ve given very, very few details on purpose and the responses have inserted a lot on their own. It’s pretty interesting.

Actually, I am not the person you think you are responding to. You are assuming in just the same way you are accusing others of doing. You put a situation out on the Internet - detailed or not - and seem surprised that anonymous posters are commenting and adding detail.

You just did the same thing to my post. Assuming I am angry and bitter. Nope, but your response is, as you say, interesting.

Enjoy the rush.

Nope my response was directed to you alone. I suspect you didn’t even read back through the thread to see what I originally said to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Why would you stoop to the same level? That’s so stupid.