I’ve been rejected by a group of women and it’s hurts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you look very bland and unmemorable. I have trouble remembering faces but I'd remember parents from their classmates. If it's a random woman merely at the school don't expect so much, people have a lot on their minds.

Yes everyone has a lot going on in their lives. But if it's only Queen Bee that has trouble remembering OP's name unlike everyone else in the group, she, like you, simply has a lower mental capacity for whatever reason. It's ok to admit this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think too many on this thread are eager to chalk up behavior to mean girl antics. I'm the same age as op and with plenty of acquaintances but few friends and zero friends I can trust. I honestly think it's my fault, I have insecurities and awkwardness when it comes to getting close but some strong women see past that and it's easier one on one. I've heard some accuse others I know of being mean (its easy when they fit the bill of being beautiful, standoffish or connected) but when you get to know them, they're just juggling life like anyone else.
I won't say they don't exist but through school, sports, play groups and scouts I've really only met a couple classic "mean girl" archetypes.

If you forget someone's name that you have met multiple times or you forget their kid goes to your school, thats not "life" and if it is you apologize or say something like:

"I need a new memory stick. I am sure we have talked about this before but can you remind what grade and where your kids go to school? Oh okay! Geesh youd think I could remember that! Does X like Ms. Harbin for science?"

And sometimes you are right, it isnt mean girl, its people who want to seem important or stressed from their many obligations. The tired martyr trope. And the other complication is that people arent engaged in conversations anymore. They either have their phone out or doing other things or not giving someone attention or better yet, waiting for when they can talk again.

I have also found there are women who only want to be friends with women like them and/or women who fit their family aesthetic or increase the connections their family has. Power by proxy/affiliation/closeness. They arent mean but they arent nice unless they think you have something to offer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you look very bland and unmemorable. I have trouble remembering faces but I'd remember parents from their classmates. If it's a random woman merely at the school don't expect so much, people have a lot on their minds.

Yes everyone has a lot going on in their lives. But if it's only Queen Bee that has trouble remembering OP's name unlike everyone else in the group, she, like you, simply has a lower mental capacity for whatever reason. It's ok to admit this.

I actually get complimented for remembering people and their names more than most but that's because I do know all these people due to time in the neighborhood, extracurricular activities or friends of friends. People who show up to the extra stuff become clearer so maybe op is right that this woman is lying but I wonder if op isn't just fading into the background. I do just find it easier to say hi to everyone as if I know them just to be safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think too many on this thread are eager to chalk up behavior to mean girl antics. I'm the same age as op and with plenty of acquaintances but few friends and zero friends I can trust. I honestly think it's my fault, I have insecurities and awkwardness when it comes to getting close but some strong women see past that and it's easier one on one. I've heard some accuse others I know of being mean (its easy when they fit the bill of being beautiful, standoffish or connected) but when you get to know them, they're just juggling life like anyone else.
I won't say they don't exist but through school, sports, play groups and scouts I've really only met a couple classic "mean girl" archetypes.

If you forget someone's name that you have met multiple times or you forget their kid goes to your school, thats not "life" and if it is you apologize or say something like:

"I need a new memory stick. I am sure we have sage.
d about this before but can you remind what grade and where your kids go to school? Oh okay! Geesh youd think I could remember that! Does X like Ms. Harbin for science?"

And sometimes you are right, it isnt mean girl, its people who want to seem important or stressed from their many obligations. The tired martyr trope. And the other complication is that people arent engaged in conversations anymore. They either have their phone out or doing other things or not giving someone attention or better yet, waiting for when they can talk again.

I have also found there are women who only want to be friends with women like them and/or women who fit their family aesthetic or increase the connections their family has. Power by proxy/affiliation/closeness. They arent mean but they arent nice unless they think you have something to offer them.

Tired martyr tropes to "seem more interesting" are not as common as people sincerely being worn thin. Look at the myriad of threads here discussing how hard it is to "do it all". People have a lot of problems that consume their thinking.

[Anonymous]

Forgetting someone's name or that you've met them before is forgivable. Especially if you met them in passing in a school-focused event where you might have met many people. Sure, lots of people are busy and stressed out.

That is not what OP describes or what other PPs have described.

This woman has hung out with OP several times socially, where OP was invited by a mutual friend. So OP has been introduced to this woman, not just met her in passing, and has attended events where she is presumably with these women for at least an hour. At that point you can't blame it on "busy" or "you're not memorable." Even if you can't put a name with a face at that point, you will remember "oh yea this is that woman Lauren has invited out with our group several times." Come on.

Also, OP describes this woman walking up and inviting the people OP is talking with to lunch, right in front of OP. That is not "busy" that's "rude." Who does that? I've also experienced this and even if it is not intentional, it's deeply awkward.

You can claim that everyone looks the same or you're just so frazzled with holiday prep or whatever. But at a certain point, studiously refusing to learn the name of someone you've met multiple times, or ignoring her completely while making plans right in front of her, is rude. It's on you. If you don't want to be called a "mean girl" or accused of being exclusive and rude, get it together and learn her freaking name!

[Anonymous]

Op, I’ve been here too. It’s hurtful because mean girl behavior makes no sense to me, and I’m also just trying to enjoy my life and make some friends. And I hate having to teach my daughters that some women are like this. Check out the book below. It’s an interesting read and also kind of fun to figure out who is who in your neighborhood. Understanding their roles, insecurities, and dynamics helped me move on from being hurt (especially by “friends” in the group who choose to ignore the slights).

https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bee-Moms-Kingpin-Dads/dp/140008301X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to say "F*ck 'em" in your head every time you think of them or see them. Don't give them more power over you than they deserve. When you see them be polite but keep it light and keep moving. Find other people to interact with and limit exposure to this group.

This is what I do with the mom group that dominates my son’s travel sport’s team. It’s tough because it’s the coach’s wife and her bestie and they always serve as team managers.

They’ve got a few others in their group and seem to take joy in excluding everyone else. They make plans (hotels, meals, outings) within their group, but often don’t tell everyone else. Or they post something on TeamSnap a few days before the games so the hotel or outing is outrageously expensive or sold out. The first couple years of him being on the team, I’d ask but they would be elusive or act put out by my asking so I gave up.

So now I try to ignore them and get to know the other moms better.

[Anonymous]

I've cried over this stuff OP, I'm sorry.
When my kids first started at a new school the moms were so friendly. I felt like part of a family. Then they asked where I lived and found out I was "poor" and basically overnight iced me out. Same thing where they were asking "'what grade are your kids in again?" when a few months before they were gushing how happy they were to have me there. Sorry I can't join your swim club/soccer team/junior league due to living in the wrong town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question — do you actually fit in with the group? Think socioeconomic status and demographics.

Due to the rapid rise in home prices in the pandemic and severe time constraints (we had one month to find a place), we ended up buying in a neighborhood that has “arrived” and is expensive *now*, but is right on the edge of where the upper middle class area ends and the solidly middle class area begins. The neighborhood has a core of moms who moved here 5-10 years ago, however, when home prices here were literally half or even less than half the current price.

Fast forward 2 years and despite a lot of nice playdates and a couple of mom lunches, these women keep leaving me out and never invite me anywhere unless I invite them. I tortured myself over it for the first year until comments started to clue me in. One mom casually dropped in convo how much over asking we paid and that our home price set a record (that has since been beaten like 10 times over). Another mom keeps referencing that I’m a lawyer when I, myself, never bring it up. A different one just stares at my engagement ring to the point at which I tried to remove it before our kids had a playdate again, but I’ve gained weight and can’t get the dang thing off.

It finally hit me — most of these moms are SAHMs and the rare ones who work are receptionists, admin assistants, and such. Here I come waltzing in as part of the new crop of people who are highly educated UMC with disposable income and paying what are perceived to be outlandish sums for homes in the neighborhood (against my will, in my case). I’m also a multilingual immigrant with a British accent while they’re southern. Even though I’ve bent over backwards to befriend them, I’m just not their demographic and it’s clear they don’t feel comfortable around me. It doesn’t help that DH is a little snobby and makes zero effort to get to know anyone.

It hurts, but it is what it is. When interest rates get reasonable, we’re outta here.

OMG. This is probably the grossest humble brag I've ever seen on DCUM. The reason they don't want you is not the reason you think.

I can tell you’ve never been the demographic outlier. Class, educational, ethnic, and other differences sometimes matter more than we’d like. As DH pointed out, even the fact that I’m a Jewish woman who is also of color (and I mean unambiguous racial minority, not white-looking at all) is VERY odd around here. When one is as different from the norm in as many ways as I am in this area, it can matter to others in ways that all the personality and kindness in the world can’t overcome. I hope you’re never in the position to be the permanent odd out because of what you are, not who you are inside.

This can happen with family too. I was the first to go to college and married someone with an ivy league ph.d. My family all did apprenticeships and are qualified tradespeople, but not academics. My father told me last time he saw me that he just didn't get my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so sad that there are women with such intense internalized misogyny they can’t behave in a civilized, open manner with other women.

What is wrong with them? I will never understand. I’m so sorry OP.

The answer of course is to distance yourself and stay that way.

I'm not much into make-up or fashion or jewelry or home renovation - that doesn't seem to go down well with groups of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've cried over this stuff OP, I'm sorry.
When my kids first started at a new school the moms were so friendly. I felt like part of a family. Then they asked where I lived and found out I was "poor" and basically overnight iced me out. Same thing where they were asking "'what grade are your kids in again?" when a few months before they were gushing how happy they were to have me there. Sorry I can't join your swim club/soccer team/junior league due to living in the wrong town.

This could be more about distance and laziness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

Again, what does “doxing” mean to you, because I see no evidence of people publishing private information about OP online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to say "F*ck 'em" in your head every time you think of them or see them. Don't give them more power over you than they deserve. When you see them be polite but keep it light and keep moving. Find other people to interact with and limit exposure to this group.

This is what I do with the mom group that dominates my son’s travel sport’s team. It’s tough because it’s the coach’s wife and her bestie and they always serve as team managers.

They’ve got a few others in their group and seem to take joy in excluding everyone else. They make plans (hotels, meals, outings) within their group, but often don’t tell everyone else. Or they post something on TeamSnap a few days before the games so the hotel or outing is outrageously expensive or sold out. The first couple years of him being on the team, I’d ask but they would be elusive or act put out by my asking so I gave up.

So now I try to ignore them and get to know the other moms better.

It works too. People like that want to see you react or get uncomfortable. Don't give them the satisfaction. Others will notice you are unbothered and guess what, you will become more attractive b/c of it. (Trust me, everyone is fed up w/ Queen Bee but they are all too weak to stand up to her BS.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

Again, what does “doxing” mean to you, because I see no evidence of people publishing private information about OP online.

WE GET IT. This person is using DOXING wrong. You've appropriately educated some people. Now stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, nine pages in and no one gave the counter argument- how long has this group been friends? I have a group of women who have been friends for 20 years. We occasionally have a sister or friend from out of town join, but we are definitely not looking to add someone new. It changes the dynamic. The woman acted horribly, but your friend probably should have known better depending on how tight and long-standing the group is. We take an annual trip and 4 years into it, someone suggested expanding it; we decided not to and our group has been traveling annually for 10 years.

Heaven forbid someone new "changes the dynamic" of your toxic little clique. I hate to break it to you, but the inability to welcome new people or adjust the dynamic for a different group isn't a sign of a strong friendship-- it's childish.

Anyway, OP didn't go on some longstanding annual trip with these women. She hung out with them socially a few times, after being invited. If your friend can't be polite to your incited guest at a happy hour or girls night, she's deeply insecure.

+1. PP’s post is one of the most pathetic things I’ve read on here.