WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Is your brother Brain McKnight? He's a mess with his previous kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

Meh. If my son blows up his family to the extent that his children want nothing to do with his new wife, he needs to face the consequences of his actions. I wouldn’t ditch my grandchildren so I could spend holidays with kids I just met. And realistically, 2nd marriages are even more likely to end in divorce, so these kids I just met could easily be out of my life in a few years time.

This is tough love.

If son blows up his life, he needs to do the work to fix it. I’m not going to shield him from his choices by pretending that I have the same relationship with stepkids I just met as my grandchildren who I’ve known their entire lives.

Come on.

[Anonymous]

OP’s not answering whether the current wife is the AP, which means she is.

[Anonymous]

Actually, the best thing you can do to support your nieces and nephews is to talk to your parents about their will. If they leave your brother his portion free and clear, then their three bio grandchildren will likely never see a penny. It will be given to new wife who will leave it to her kids. This is so common.

If they want to see their money go to the bio grandchildren then reducing his portion and putting some in a trust for their bio grand children makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

Meh. If my son blows up his family to the extent that his children want nothing to do with his new wife, he needs to face the consequences of his actions. I wouldn’t ditch my grandchildren so I could spend holidays with kids I just met. And realistically, 2nd marriages are even more likely to end in divorce, so these kids I just met could easily be out of my life in a few years time.

This is tough love.

If son blows up his life, he needs to do the work to fix it. I’m not going to shield him from his choices by pretending that I have the same relationship with stepkids I just met as my grandchildren who I’ve known their entire lives.

Come on.

This x100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

Meh. If my son blows up his family to the extent that his children want nothing to do with his new wife, he needs to face the consequences of his actions. I wouldn’t ditch my grandchildren so I could spend holidays with kids I just met. And realistically, 2nd marriages are even more likely to end in divorce, so these kids I just met could easily be out of my life in a few years time.

This is tough love.

If son blows up his life, he needs to do the work to fix it. I’m not going to shield him from his choices by pretending that I have the same relationship with stepkids I just met as my grandchildren who I’ve known their entire lives.

Come on.

This x100000

This. You can coerce them to call each other "brother" and "sister", but don't think they like it, and don't think the rest of the family is going to hop in line so easily. We all know this would go poof if you divorced, and we don't feel like we have to cater to you just because you got divorced and remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s not answering whether the current wife is the AP, which means she is.

Why would OP hold back that information? Unless she had it out for her ex-SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Either way one part of your family is excluded. There are two options:

1) choose your niece and nephew

2) choose your brother

You can’t have both. There’s no way you can invite your brother and tell him that his wife is not welcome. You need to accept that this your reality and stop pretending that you can still invite your brother and his children. Personally, I would tell brother that right now you feel his bio-children need support so you’re prioritizing them over his 2nd family.

You really think some early 20s adult kids want to spend thanksgiving without either their mom or their dad, with grandma and auntie? Seems unlikely they need this kind of “support” five years after a divorce. They probably meant “oh dad and his new wife are coming? Eh we will just go to moms house then because we don’t like dads wife”. Which is fine. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it was just something they said in a text, they were probably just venting. This isn't a problem you need to solve! They'll come or they won't, and they could decide not to come for any of 100 different reasons which may or may not be reasonable in your eyes, and which may or may not be the truth vs what they're choosing to tell you.

When the grandchildren grow up, you don't get "all the cousins together" anymore. Soon enough they'll be engaged and married and going to their in-laws half the time anyway. It seems like it's time to make your peace with it.

This is the only reasonable answer. OP, tape this to your mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

The step kids have a bio father and his family. Why would they want or expect their step fathers family to pretend all of sudden they are family. They aren’t. They are in the category of special guest.

The only second wives who expect their kids to become real kids are either trying to replace a deadbeat bio dad or after the husbands/grandparents money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

The step kids have a bio father and his family. Why would they want or expect their step fathers family to pretend all of sudden they are family. They aren’t. They are in the category of special guest.

The only second wives who expect their kids to become real kids are either trying to replace a deadbeat bio dad or after the husbands/grandparents money.

I am glad that you're not part of my extended family. Stepkids aren't replacing anyone, but they are part of the family. They are welcome to family gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

The step kids have a bio father and his family. Why would they want or expect their step fathers family to pretend all of sudden they are family. They aren’t. They are in the category of special guest.

The only second wives who expect their kids to become real kids are either trying to replace a deadbeat bio dad or after the husbands/grandparents money.

I am glad that you're not part of my extended family. Stepkids aren't replacing anyone, but they are part of the family. They are welcome to family gatherings.

It seems like the step kids will be replacing the bio kids in OP's situation