WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has no one in your family ever , ever gotten divorced? The amount of hand wringing going on here by the adult kids, the OP, the other cousins, etc is weird. Divorce is more common than non-divorce. Is your family full of special snowflakes or something?

My family is full of divorces and difficult, problematic step-relatives. That is how I know there's no point in trying to "blend" because the stepfamily will soon be the ex-stepfamily anyway. It's best to just live my own life away from all of this.

Sincerely,
ACOD

Maybe your family is effed up, that’s not how our family does!

Indeed my family is totally effed up. If you have a well-functioning family, then lucky you. But maybe refrain from judging those of us who didn't have your good fortune.

Sincerely,

A person whose stepbrother chronically tit-stares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

You didn't answer---was there an affair? Was your brother "at fault" or was your exSIL the main issue? IMO that matters, also how long has it been since the divorces/separation.

She says it’s been 5 years. That’s really all we need to know .

Not if new wife was the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

You didn't answer---was there an affair? Was your brother "at fault" or was your exSIL the main issue? IMO that matters, also how long has it been since the divorces/separation.

She says it’s been 5 years. That’s really all we need to know .

No, if the new wife was his AP or if the dad was abusive to their mom, or heck even if he had an affair, the kids are not required to "just like what their dad is up to now" even if it's been 5 years.
Circumstances surrounding the divorce matter a ton!

[Anonymous]

You do what you believe is right (in my opinion it is to include everyone), and let others make their own choices about whether to exclude themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

You didn't answer---was there an affair? Was your brother "at fault" or was your exSIL the main issue? IMO that matters, also how long has it been since the divorces/separation.

She says it’s been 5 years. That’s really all we need to know .

No, if the new wife was his AP or if the dad was abusive to their mom, or heck even if he had an affair, the kids are not required to "just like what their dad is up to now" even if it's been 5 years.
Circumstances surrounding the divorce matter a ton!

Whether or not the kids choose to come is up to them. No one says they should go to the party or deny they might be justified in sending regrets; but they aren't the ones having the party, so they don't get to choose the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Be honest with yourself. Either way one part of your family is excluded. There are two options:

1) choose your niece and nephew

2) choose your brother

You can’t have both. There’s no way you can invite your brother and tell him that his wife is not welcome. You need to accept that this your reality and stop pretending that you can still invite your brother and his children. Personally, I would tell brother that right now you feel his bio-children need support so you’re prioritizing them over his 2nd family.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like the kids aren’t making a big deal about this situation. Off-handedly mentioning to their cousins, who are also their friends, that they don’t want to participate if dad’s new family is there. They’re adults, they don’t have to. They aren’t given anyone an ultimatum, just stating their intentions.

I think the grandparents should invite everyone and be okay when those grandkids don’t come. Hopefully the grandparents can see them another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it sounds like the kids aren’t making a big deal about this situation. Off-handedly mentioning to their cousins, who are also their friends, that they don’t want to participate if dad’s new family is there. They’re adults, they don’t have to. They aren’t given anyone an ultimatum, just stating their intentions.

I think the grandparents should invite everyone and be okay when those grandkids don’t come. Hopefully the grandparents can see them another time.

I feel for the grandparents. They miss out on 3 grandkids and in return get the new wife and her kids. Not exactly an even exchange. 3 kids you care about vs 3 people they probably don't care much about and aren't related to.

[Anonymous]

OP, it was just something they said in a text, they were probably just venting. This isn't a problem you need to solve! They'll come or they won't, and they could decide not to come for any of 100 different reasons which may or may not be reasonable in your eyes, and which may or may not be the truth vs what they're choosing to tell you.

When the grandchildren grow up, you don't get "all the cousins together" anymore. Soon enough they'll be engaged and married and going to their in-laws half the time anyway. It seems like it's time to make your peace with it.

[Anonymous]

The best solution is for OP to talk to her brother and ask him to decline. It’s more important for the three young adults to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. OPs brother can take new wife and step kids to visit grandparents on a separate trip.

If I was the host, I would simply call him and tell him that I can’t invite him with the current situation. I’d try to arrange another time to see him. As the parents are hosts, having a sibling tell him that him coming means the other three adult kids are out and that’s not OK makes the most sense. This way the parents don’t have to formally disinvite their son but can still have a nice Thanksgiving gathering.

If my children get divorced and create a situation where it’s them and family number two or grandchildren from family number 1, I would 100% go with grandchildren. I would hope that I raised my child well enough that he would understand forcing a step mother/step kids on his original kids or letting step mother force herself and kids on them was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

Sounds like your husbands family is a total
Mess. Even thinking about kids as “dumped kids” and “do over kids” is pretty hurtful. If divorced adults act like adults, no kids should be referred to as “dumped kids”. Because kids don’t get dumped in a divorce, under normal circumstances!

I know a lot of people want to pretend that “kids are resilient” and that blended families are double the fun, but in reality the descriptions of “dumped kids” and “do over kids” are a concise and accurate way to describe how children of divorce feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

Sounds like your husbands family is a total
Mess. Even thinking about kids as “dumped kids” and “do over kids” is pretty hurtful. If divorced adults act like adults, no kids should be referred to as “dumped kids”. Because kids don’t get dumped in a divorce, under normal circumstances!

I know a lot of people want to pretend that “kids are resilient” and that blended families are double the fun, but in reality the descriptions of “dumped kids” and “do over kids” are a concise and accurate way to describe how children of divorce feel.

This. And "children are resilient" doesn't mean "young adults will put up with your new family any longer than they absolutely have to".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best solution is for OP to talk to her brother and ask him to decline. It’s more important for the three young adults to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. OPs brother can take new wife and step kids to visit grandparents on a separate trip.

If I was the host, I would simply call him and tell him that I can’t invite him with the current situation. I’d try to arrange another time to see him. As the parents are hosts, having a sibling tell him that him coming means the other three adult kids are out and that’s not OK makes the most sense. This way the parents don’t have to formally disinvite their son but can still have a nice Thanksgiving gathering.

If my children get divorced and create a situation where it’s them and family number two or grandchildren from family number 1, I would 100% go with grandchildren. I would hope that I raised my child well enough that he would understand forcing a step mother/step kids on his original kids or letting step mother force herself and kids on them was wrong.

+1

Brother and his wife should be gracious and decline.

[Anonymous]

"Children are resilient" is what people say when they know that what they are doing is harmful, and they are going to do it anyway.

"Resilient" doesn't mean "cooperative" or "obedient". Sometimes the best way to be resilient is to have boundaries and avoid people who treat you badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

This. Nieces and nephews come and dad makes choices. However does not apply if nieces and nephews are adults. Then dad comes with nieces and nephews choose.