WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

I’m assuming the new wife was an AP? In that case I would invite niece and nephew and exclude brother.

Bad behavior shouldn’t be tolerated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

I don’t think OP is hosting. Her parents are hosting (the parents of Op and of OPs brother)

[Anonymous]

Unless the new wife is the AP I’d tell the kids to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is easy for me to say because I'm jewish, but my suggestion is to not place so much importance on the specific holidays and instead to take the long view, and just keep nurturing the relationships between family members/cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

You have no idea of the actual reason for the problem, and you have no idea what attendance plan is going to result in a ruined Christmas dinner. It may be they don't want the step-family to come because they know it would cause trouble to have them there.

I would let the dad sort out the mess, since he's the one who created it. If the nephews don't come, offer to have them over another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

The brother is family as well. His kids are young adult, they need to start acting like it.

It depends on if the dad has behaved badly (ie had an affair/has subsequently neglected his bio kids for the new family) or if they’re just generally upset that he got remarried.

If the former it’s perfectly reasonable for the young adult kids to not want to spend a holiday with them.

[Anonymous]

OP you still haven’t told us if the new wife was an AP: that is a key point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

I don’t think OP is hosting. Her parents are hosting (the parents of Op and of OPs brother)

Then why are we even talking about this? If OP has no pull at all there wouldn't be a thread. Clearly there is, which is why we are discussing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

If I were the grandparents I'd want both my children there, and all the grandchildren. I don't think I'd be fussed if the new wife and her rando kids are there. I'd place priority on my grandchildren over a remarried wife and her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

The brother is family as well. His kids are young adult, they need to start acting like it.

It depends on if the dad has behaved badly (ie had an affair/has subsequently neglected his bio kids for the new family) or if they’re just generally upset that he got remarried.

If the former it’s perfectly reasonable for the young adult kids to not want to spend a holiday with them.

It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the divorce, affair, or remarriage. It might be that one of the step-relatives is a problem person and they don't want that person around.

Remember, OP, your nephews know the stepfamily a LOT better than you do. They might know something you don't.

Sincerely,

A person whose stepbrother rifled through my grandmother's medicine cabinet during Thanskgiving dinner looking for meds he could steal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

If your presence caused the rest of the *real* family to not want to come, then I'd say it's fair game to exclude.