WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Blended family blunder. My brother remarried to a woman with children. His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it. Holidays are coming, our parents always gather kids and grandkids at Thanksgiving. His kids said "we are not coming if Dad's new family are there". We don't feel one way or the other about his new wife or her kids but it is all around awkward.

WWYD? Do we tell him "dear brother, please come but do not bring your wife and stepkids"? We do, however, want to see our nieces and nephew.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it, and plan to see your nieces/nephews separately over the holiday break just in case.

[Anonymous]

Can you get together with your nieces and nephew before or after the holidays?

[Anonymous]

You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

At those ages I would invite them to spend time with you during vacations/school breaks/holidays. Encourage your kids to reach out to their cousins independent of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

The brother is family as well. His kids are young adult, they need to start acting like it.

[Anonymous]

Is your brother even planning to come? My philosophy is to invite everyone and if some people choose to not come for whatever reason, that’s on them.

If they don’t want to come I would see them later in the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At those ages I would invite them to spend time with you during vacations/school breaks/holidays. Encourage your kids to reach out to their cousins independent of you.

Oh my kids are good cousins to them, they all hang out. There's a cousins chat, that's how we all found out "If Dad is coming with SD, count us out". We (myself and 2 other siblings) also visit/ed them in college, sent care packages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

[Anonymous]

Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?