WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

How many extra people is this not-so-blended family going to involve? Are the step-children going to bring their own spouses and children as well?

[Anonymous]

I think the kids should take it up with their dad and tell him to stay home. They shouldn't put this on the hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

I agree. The right thing to do here is stay neutral and invite everyone. Otherwise, you are condoning very poor, hurtful behavior toward your brother and his wife.

[Anonymous]

They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

Sometimes I feel that way about my own kids! Her expectations were a bit entitled but nothing here suggests the (adult) kids have some moral basis to justify excluding her and her kids. They are welcome not to come, and if that's their stance, that should be fine. OP and grandparents can see them another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

Honestly it sounds like she tried her very best in the way she knew how. They are being childish and disrespectful. Yes they have hurt feelings and yes the divorce was hard in them as teenagers. Absolutely. But it’s been 5 years, sounds like the stepmom bent over backwards to try to be nice to them (even if it wasn’t in a way that was appreciated), no you should not expect your parents to uninvite her. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

[Anonymous]

I think they have to invite everyone and let people make their own choices.

But if I were attending this dinner, I would observe very closely to see if there's any legitimate reason or concern.

Wanting to avoid this kind of hassle and not-very-enjoyable holidays is a big reason ACOD can become distant from their bio parents and extended family. If you care about your nephews, continue to reach out to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

You cannot invite half of a married couple to thanksgiving. His kids need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

It sounds like there's a lot more to the story that you're either leaving out or do not know.
It's highly unlikely that all 3 would refuse to come based on this alone and have no issues at all with mom.and soon to be stepdad and stepsiblings.
I mean to me just what you shared tells me she's a manipulative possibly narcissistic person. And I know he's your brother but that they don't even want to deal with it just for a bit to hang with dad is telling. something is rotten.
The easy thing is to stay neutral as far as invites go and you offer to host the kids at a different time. Stay a positive force in their lives and be prepared for some shocking things to come out

[Anonymous]

If these young men really won’t even say hello to her after years of marriage to their father, that tells me all the info I really need about whether or not their threat to boycott thanksgiving is reasonable or not. Invite everyone , including everyone’s wives (obviously).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

Yes, we've talked ad nauseam about all of this. She obviously regrets marrying in to this situation and has been in a lot of therapy over it. She had unrealistic expectations. With re to his family, I think it's all about resources. He comes from a humble upbringing, and he's financially successful. They view his much younger, beautiful wife and her new children as a threat. They includes his parents, his siblings, his adult child and his ex-wife. My friend, fortunately, has a good career and family and is going to eventually be fine, though at the moment, she still seems quite depressed to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

OP says they met five years after the divorce. Not every second wife is an affair partner . You can’t pretzel your way into assuming she is. (NP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

OP says they met five years after the divorce. Not every second wife is an affair partner . You can’t pretzel your way into assuming she is. (NP)

No, OP said the "painful" divorce was 5 years ago, not that they met 5 years after the divorce. She hasn't yet stated if new wife was an affair partner who broke up their family after (presumably) 20+ years.