WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

Oh honey. They're not really part of the family! This is just something people go along with to keep the peace. If the brother and his new wife split up, the "family" would never see these stepchildren again, and none of them would care at all.

In my family, there was lots of this kind of coercion, but when Grandma's will was read it was crystal clear who was family and who was not. My stepmom cried right there in the room-- I guess she had really believed all the big happy family BS and was counting on getting something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

They should be able to bring their mom. In my extended family, they would bring their mom if she wanted to come. She's not a DIL anymore, but she is the mother of some grandkids/cousins, so she's family, too.

My parents broke up. My cousin's parents broke up. Family occassions were loud and crowded and there were plenty of exes at them. The divorcing adults just had to suck it up. If you didn't like your ex being there with the kids, then you didn't show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

For the millionth time. They may have a very good reason that you're unaware of.

If everybody is welcome, can they bring their mom? All of this "faaaamily" and "we don't treat family this way" rings very hollow when you've seen your own parents break up.

They should be able to bring their mom. In my extended family, they would bring their mom if she wanted to come. She's not a DIL anymore, but she is the mother of some grandkids/cousins, so she's family, too.

My parents broke up. My cousin's parents broke up. Family occassions were loud and crowded and there were plenty of exes at them. The divorcing adults just had to suck it up. If you didn't like your ex being there with the kids, then you didn't show.

So it's really a question of who's being forced to suck it up, the grown-ups or the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

That seems like a good way to have a very awkward dinner. What happens when the real kid refers to step wife as the whore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

Isn’t this obvious?

The flip side of this is that the new kids won’t know anyone’s name and will confuse the step-cousin for the step-uncle. It sucks for them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

The step kids have a bio father and his family. Why would they want or expect their step fathers family to pretend all of sudden they are family. They aren’t. They are in the category of special guest.

The only second wives who expect their kids to become real kids are either trying to replace a deadbeat bio dad or after the husbands/grandparents money.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

And?? I mean…. is this not obvious? This is how it is most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re not even his real kids. They’re his step kids. But he can’t leave his wife on Thanksgiving I guess. So he skips the event and his kids come without him. His real kids, that is.

Tale to the wise.

If you get divorced, and your x-DH remarries, this is how your kids will be thought of and treated by their new extended family.

The not real kids. The step kids.

And?? I mean…. is this not obvious? This is how it is most of the time.

Seriously. I don't know my stepmother's extended family at all, and it's perfectly fine. I don't think it's reasonable to expect much from them. Perhaps if I were a little kid it would be nice to behave more warmly, but as I'm older, I see no need for it.

The people who pressure others into this kind of coerced togetherness are the insecure, defensive, divorced people and the new wives who want to pretend they are the first wife and have a happy family. The rest of us just understand that step-relationships aren't usually very strong. If you end up really liking each other, great, but I don't think it needs to be an expectation. In fact I think everyone would be a lot happier without the pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Either way one part of your family is excluded. There are two options:

1) choose your niece and nephew

2) choose your brother

You can’t have both. There’s no way you can invite your brother and tell him that his wife is not welcome. You need to accept that this your reality and stop pretending that you can still invite your brother and his children. Personally, I would tell brother that right now you feel his bio-children need support so you’re prioritizing them over his 2nd family.

Of course the grandparents can invite their son, his wife and their grandchildren. If someone doesn't want to come, that's life. Happens all the time in families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

That seems like a good way to have a very awkward dinner. What happens when the real kid refers to step wife as the whore?

Umm, then that person would be asked to leave because who even does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

It's appropriate to avoid your step mom if she's a home wrecker. They "get to" react however they want and show up or not as adults. Your recommendation is for how one would talk to a child and we've decided these are not children any more. The real kids know how family is treated, they saw their mother put out on the curb by dear old dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s not answering whether the current wife is the AP, which means she is.

Yes, if it’s 5 years since the divorce and he’s already been married to her for some time, then probably they knew each other pre-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

It's appropriate to avoid your step mom if she's a home wrecker. They "get to" react however they want and show up or not as adults. Your recommendation is for how one would talk to a child and we've decided these are not children any more. The real kids know how family is treated, they saw their mother put out on the curb by dear old dad.

+1000x. This kind of coercion and infantilizing behavior is exactly why ACOD so often distance themselves (as these ACOD are doing now).

I really do not understand why people want to create these uncomfortable situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stick with your nieces and nephews. They are your family. If dad doesn't want to come, that's on him.

Nope. They're being brats. They don't get to manipulate their father or the rest of the family that way.

I understand that they may have reason to be angry. They're still taking out that anger in inappropriate ways.

They need to be told "Your dad's stepkids are also part of the family now. We don't treat family this way at the holidays. If you choose not to come to the family gathering, that is on you. Everybody is welcome."

Oh, "we"? Who put you in charge of the family culture? We do this, we do that, you're the boss? The OP isn't even their parent at all.

If anyone tried that on me, I would definitely not show up at all, and I hope they would find out exactly why my step family sucks

[Anonymous]

First, this is completely a troll post, made up.

Second, if it were true, it's nobody's problem but the dad and his kids. The OP and the grandparents stay out of it.