WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the adult in this situation, whose parents divorced over an affair. My dad's family chose to welcome his AP with open arms - this, after my parents had been married for decades. That forever changed my view of my dad's side of the family. It also left me and my sister without support we really could have used.

So, yeah. F*** around and find out.

This isn’t an example of that though.

Your dad f***ed around and you and your sister found out his family doesn’t care about you.

This is exactly the situation OP is asking about. Should their family welcome the AP and her children to thanksgiving to the mental detriment of the bio grandkids or should they respect that their bio grandkids are still hurting and processing things and therefore not welcome the AP with open arms. I 100% know in my family the grandkids would be chosen over some side piece and their offspring.

PP is pointing out that the phrase "eff around and find out" is being used inappropriately. Not that the example is irrelevant.

PP is being both pedantic and cruel. I shouldn’t be surprised by that anymore on this forum, but am.

I appreciate the others who understood the relevance of the example.

[Anonymous]

Do the Dad and new wife have their own kids or is it just new wife's kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the Dad and new wife have their own kids or is it just new wife's kids?

Does not really matter. new wife is the AP. That means dad's "first kids" may take awhile/may never get over the damage he did to their family and their mom. It's their choice to feel that way. Those older kids come first to the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the first kids who are actually related to you didn't create this situation. I would invite them and your brother, but the step family is not invited.

The new wife / AP has her relatives plus her ex's relatives the kids probably want to see. No need for them to be at your house.

Maybe after awhile this will change, but the new step family needs to hang out with their family of origin, if they are still alive.

+100. I would invite brother and the first kids. This way, you are sticking to only family members. I think it’s a rational approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the Dad and new wife have their own kids or is it just new wife's kids?

Does not really matter. new wife is the AP. That means dad's "first kids" may take awhile/may never get over the damage he did to their family and their mom. It's their choice to feel that way. Those older kids come first to the entire family.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the adult in this situation, whose parents divorced over an affair. My dad's family chose to welcome his AP with open arms - this, after my parents had been married for decades. That forever changed my view of my dad's side of the family. It also left me and my sister without support we really could have used.

So, yeah. F*** around and find out.

This! I don’t see any support for the kids when others mention that all of brothers new family should come.

In a way, it’s a tacit support for the brother’s cheating as well and that is what is communicated to your kids that ultimately cheating is no big deal.

I wiuld invite my brother and his first kids only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't the only time of the year you are seeing your nieces and nephews, right? You are reaching out to them at other times of the year and having them to dinner or lunch or something.

This questions jumps out to me as you mention you want to see them, but then this implies you might not see them otherwise.

The divorce has obviously been hard on them. They probably need more support than they've been getting and they feel insecure, and they are hurt. Very hurt.

I don't agree with their behavior as adults, this is their own form of bullying and it's about power. And they are looking to extract their own form of vengeance on their father.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think everyone should be invited. Those who decide not to attend for their own reasons should be respected, but there should be effort to see them at another time.

This means kids will not get to be part of a family gathering ever. In effect, they will not be part of the family gatherings even though they are more part of the family than the new wife.

Inviting the brother and the first kids ensures it’s a family get together. After that, it’s people’s choice on who wants to come. How about seeing your brother and his new family separately at another time?

[Anonymous]

If the dad cheated and the kids are mad about it, they should boycott the party if Dad attends, not if the new wife or kids come.

[Anonymous]

So everyone is ok with the brother attending, but not his new wife because she is a cheating whore, but he’s cool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your brother even planning to come? My philosophy is to invite everyone and if some people choose to not come for whatever reason, that’s on them.

If they don’t want to come I would see them later in the weekend.

This^. You don't pick and chose. However, if you've good relationship with your nieces and nephews, would you rather have them or your brother's new wife's kids? Its a tough choice. I would rather have them as your brother already broke their home and they shouldn't have to give up their extended family as well.

[Anonymous]

Let your brother know that you want his kids to still feel like a part of the extended family and until he wins them back, he and his new family has to visit on different days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So everyone is ok with the brother attending, but not his new wife because she is a cheating whore, but he’s cool?

They are both cheating whores, but the man in this scenario is the family member and has the related kids and therefor won't be cut out. Don't be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your brother know that you want his kids to still feel like a part of the extended family and until he wins them back, he and his new family has to visit on different days.

This X1000 but I would phrase it differently so he doesn’t rage at his kids for not accepting his trampy new wife.

Also play out how this will work if everyone is invited. New wife is not going to graciously decline. She’s a pig who wrecked these kids family, demanded they call her children brother and sister and whines to the kids grandparents about how awful they are for not accepting her. She is a selfish pig.

So pig wife will be there complaining about bio kids who aren’t there. Other relatives will have to cordially put up with pig wife and jerk brother. OPs kids who used to enjoy hanging out with their real cousins will be forced to hang out with new step kids while pig wife looks happily on that she has injected her pig spawn into the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So everyone is ok with the brother attending, but not his new wife because she is a cheating whore, but he’s cool?

No. She needs to go be with her relatives and her bio kids relatives.

He needs to go be with his relatives and his bio kids relatives.

They are the ones who decided to make things complicated, so now they are complicated. It's not the older teenagers fault and they should not be blamed or faulted for their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: yes, new SIL was the other woman. We were all devastated. We are cordial to her but it’s not the sabe as it was with the first wife. We understand they never meant for the affair to happen but several familiares got hurt. My nephew and nieces are pointedly polite to their father but they do not want to be around his new family. You just can’t force a relationship. I know he’s offended, he made a few stupid threats “well, I will caught you off” which they didn’t care about, they are self sufficient.

I want to propose to him and his wife to come a bit earlier to our parents’ house and not see the elder kids. I just don’t know how it will be received.

Affairs don't happen by accident they just don't.
Tor brother sounds like an aholes and I totally understand why his kids want nothing to do with him.