Reply to Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

[b]Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.[/b]

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.[/quote]

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was [i]profoundl[/i]y out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom [i]who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??[/i], but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is [i]jaw-droppingly[/i] self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: [i]My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."[/i] You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.[/quote]

OP here. PP, thanks for your input. Sadly, I realize that you are right about everything.

No, I did not criticize him for calling the other mom, even though I knew that such behavior damaged us socially.

And no, he didn't interact at all with the disliked boy, he merely saw him play in the living room with the other kids while he (my husband) was on his way to the bedroom.

I am most concerned about my son eventually considering his father's behavior normal. He already spoke to me in a commanding tone a few times, like " please close the window. You can leave the room now."

I really should talk to a therapist. [/quote]

Op. You seem pretty outgoing here. Why not just say to your son. I don’t tolerate people speaking to me like that. I hope you don’t either. We ask people to do things and then say thank you to show respect. And then saying the same to your husband. I’m not your assistant. I remember a Jocko podcast where he was acting like the wife was one of the guys and she said flat out I’m not one of your team guys and he realized he had to treat her differently if he wanted a different relationship. You seem capable of speaking up for yourself here. If you have nothing to lose in the marriage why not actually step up and speak and work on the communication?[/quote]

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