Insisting that DC's college be within driving distance...reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re the parents so you get to set the rules, unless she is now self-financing.

This likely isn't about cost---it's about control. Why restrict your kids simply because you cannot deal with them growing up?

Most we did was make our kids aware of how long it would take them/us to get to their choices. We would prefer that they be within an easy ride from an airport (where there is public transport or Uber/lyft that won't cost $200 to get to/from the airpot)---not at a school where your kid needs to take a bus/Uber for 90 mins to get to the nearby small airport and then need to take 2 flights to get home, because that would be 12-15 hours of "traveling" each direction. we wouldn't have stopped our kids from doing that, but we made them aware how challenging that would be to come home for 4 day fall break when you need to spend 15 hours each way traveling. As it is one kid is 2K miles from home, but it takes 8+ hours---airport is 10 mins from dorm, but it's 2 flights so you have 2-3 choices each day for getting out and then have to wait for the connection.

[Anonymous]

If limiting distance is intended to limit cost, there are much more effective ways to limit cost than setting a 7-hour driving distance perimeter. Cost is not the real issue for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have asked that our DC choose a college within driving distance (6-7 hours). One, we just want to be able to get to her college at the drop of a hat in case of an emergency. We think it would also mean we'd see her, and she'd have the ability to come home, more often. And finally, there is the cost. We just can't afford air fare back and forth for DC on a regular basis, let alone my DH, me and sibling.

Thoughts? DC isn't pushing for the west coast, but certainly the midwest (like Indiana/Wisconsin) or the SEC schools.

I think it's fine for you to express your preference and the reasons/benefits of staying within that radius. But personally I wouldn't insist on it if DC truly and strongly wants to venture out farther. Also, you don't need to visit DC more than once during the school year and she doesn't need to fly back except during breaks, so airfare shouldn't be an insurmountable barrier. And how do you know it's unaffordable until you know the cost of attendance of each school applied to after need and/or merit aid?

NO. The nerve of you to tell OP what she considers affordable or not. Not everyone has unlimited disposable funds to assume that whatever the cost, the family could afford more than one air flight home. OP you’re the parents. I told DC to apply to universities within a certain radius. Ty eye are are plethora of choices.

My parents told me what they could afford (not much). I knew that if I went more than a 4-6 hour drive from home that meant I was coming home for xmas and summer and that's it. I spent every thanksgiving on campus and spring breaks I went to family who lived within 2 hours (even if I didn't really want to--campus closed and I had no choice). So they let me pick, I just knew I wasn't flying home every school break because it wasn't affordable). Still happy with my choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have asked that our DC choose a college within driving distance (6-7 hours). One, we just want to be able to get to her college at the drop of a hat in case of an emergency. We think it would also mean we'd see her, and she'd have the ability to come home, more often. And finally, there is the cost. We just can't afford air fare back and forth for DC on a regular basis, let alone my DH, me and sibling.

Thoughts? DC isn't pushing for the west coast, but certainly the midwest (like Indiana/Wisconsin) or the SEC schools.

Imo if that's the reason, that's the reason. My kid is going to CA from DC. It's going to be very expensive for us to go to family weekend, etc.

But if the true root of the issue is that you're nervous and trying to limit for some sense of control/assuage your anxiety, that's not fair to your kid.

So don't go to family weekend. Part of costs of college is making your kid aware of what you can afford and what you can't. I knew that if I went far to college my parents couldn't afford to visit. I wanted the college enough I was willing to forgo the visits and the extra trips home. At least let your kid decide---let them fly and make the choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If limiting distance is intended to limit cost, there are much more effective ways to limit cost than setting a 7-hour driving distance perimeter. Cost is not the real issue for OP.

NP. Not necessarily. There is always the possibility of emergencies. As a person who had emergency surgery her freshman year, I appreciated the fact that one of my parents was able to drive to be with me when I was recovering from anesthesia.

Last-minute flights, if they are even available, are expensive. Driving affords more flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- here goes. The number of kids with mental illness first appearing in college has absolutely skyrocketed since Covid.

Anecdotally this is what I know:
2 co-workers (kids placed on psychaitric hold)
2 neighbors (kids fell into deep depression; parents had to fly out and bring them home)
1 woman at gym (son had first schizophrenia attack)
2 friends of neighbor's kids (depression and had to take semesters off)
1 good friend's son picked up by police wandering with first mental break--ended up in jail in another state because police didn't recognize symptoms

Studies/surveys now show kids in this demo group --30-35% are suffering from mental illness. And boys with depression can show absolutely zero signs to close family members and friends.

We aren't allowing our kids to go West to school. Not just for this reason, but also because with the airlines and the trouble and expense of flights and for the fact for both of them their intended majors are much better served in this area.

For the majority of these, I would not respond by jumping in my car to drive 7 hours.

The one sitting in a jail cell in a mental break DEFINITELY needed his parents to show up. And it was traumatic for everyone. If they hadn't stepped in it would have been ugly. They were able to drive him to and select an in-patient facility near their home. There is no way he would have gotten out of prison, had the proper legal representation and been able to be transported in his manic, schizophrenic state without his parents taking him. They were luckily 75 minute drive away.

But you cannot live your life expecting the worst things to happen. Vast majority of kids are not going to have a mental breakdown while at college. So yes, if your kid has medical issues or mental health issues already, then maybe you need to consider a place "closer to home". But most of us don't plan our lives around the worst case scenarios happening to us.
If that happened, most of us would put that airfare on a CC and figure out how to pay the $1K later. Fact is, 99.999% of the time your kid will be just fine and have no issues. Fact at most colleges there will be a significant number of parents on the Parent FB pages who live within 2-3 hours and would happily step up to assist in an emergency until you can get there---I've seen it on all 3 of my kid's college parent FB pages---I've seen local parents go to the hospital and sit with a sick kid (who needed an appendectomy) until their parents arrived 18 hours later. Sure it's not mom/dad but it's a caring adult who is a parent. Whenever someone posts with even a minor "emergency" there are always kind caring parents who step up to help....sometimes even faculty who monitor the page as well. So your kid will not be alone in an emergency if you are willing to reach out for assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s fully reasonable. DCUM is not at all representative of most parents.

Agree. I truly wanted to hug my son's college counselor at his high school when we had our parent-student meeting. Out of the blue my son started entertaining schools in California -which for govt/international relations given what's offered in this area is ridiculous on its own. Counselor also has a rising Senior and right out of his mouth was that that is crazy and that the flight cost and inconvenience, etc. It was great for him to hear from a someone else. We told him --hey grad school or professional school you are free to do what you want.

But, nah, no Cali for undergrad.

Actually it's rather sad a HS counselor felt the need to interject their OPINION on this. Most kids are capable of being a 6 hour flight from home and will do just fine.

[Anonymous]

And here's my kid applying to military academies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to school an 11 hour drive away. My dad drove with me to drop me off as a freshman and pick me up as a senior when I graduated. I flew back the other times but it was only twice a year - winter break and beginning/end of school year. They never visited me there. I don't think distance should be the only deciding factor. Like some of the other PPs, I think you may be letting your anxiety about this transition color your views. Also, if your child currently doesn't show any signs of mental illness, I don't think it's reasonable to base your decision on needing to get quickly to your child in the event of a mental breakdown like one PP suggested.

Same! My parents only visited me on campus in May the year my older sibling graduated college---and then, only because they had to drive thru my area on their way home from picking up my sibling. Otherwise, they did drop off freshman year and I managed putting everything into storage each summer and retrieving it each fall and flew home at xmas and summer breaks.

Don't let your anxiety hold your kid back from their dreams

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is an exceedingly long thread. You're perfectly fine insisting that the college your DC attends be within driving distance. You're paying for the college and everything that goes with that.

People on here are nuts.

As parents it is our job to let our kids grown, fly and become the adults they want to be. Sure you are paying, so you set your guidelines and requirements for costs. But don't restrict your kid simply because you cant let go. It is their experience, let them find the one they want within the family budget

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really have no dog in this fight, but it's hilarious that people can't see the difference in paying tens of thousands for tuition that can be funded by loans and needing to pay cash for plane tickets.

You fly to school in August and fly home in Dec, back in Jan and home in May. 2 roundtrip tickets, maybe 3 if dorms close for spring break.
Or you find friends to stay with over spring break.
Purchase those tickets in advance to get discounts. We are not talking $10K. More likely only $2K max. It's more about the parent wanting control---the need to "get to them" and to "visit".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If limiting distance is intended to limit cost, there are much more effective ways to limit cost than setting a 7-hour driving distance perimeter. Cost is not the real issue for OP.

NP. Not necessarily. There is always the possibility of emergencies. As a person who had emergency surgery her freshman year, I appreciated the fact that one of my parents was able to drive to be with me when I was recovering from anesthesia.

Last-minute flights, if they are even available, are expensive. Driving affords more flexibility.

However, the odds of emergency surgery are small. 99% of kids make it thru college without that happening. So if kid really wants to go to a school that's a 6 hour flight away, you'd really restrict it based on that possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If limiting distance is intended to limit cost, there are much more effective ways to limit cost than setting a 7-hour driving distance perimeter. Cost is not the real issue for OP.

NP. Not necessarily. There is always the possibility of emergencies. As a person who had emergency surgery her freshman year, I appreciated the fact that one of my parents was able to drive to be with me when I was recovering from anesthesia.

Last-minute flights, if they are even available, are expensive. Driving affords more flexibility.

However, the odds of emergency surgery are small. 99% of kids make it thru college without that happening. So if kid really wants to go to a school that's a 6 hour flight away, you'd really restrict it based on that possibility?

I think it depends on the kid and the family's finances. My friend's daughter had to evacuate multiple times from Tulane during her time there (and pay for hotels), plus she had to fly there several times unexpectedly to deal with a health issue. Those flights were expensive! It's a good idea to think about these issues and discuss them with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is an exceedingly long thread. You're perfectly fine insisting that the college your DC attends be within driving distance. You're paying for the college and everything that goes with that.

People on here are nuts.

As parents it is our job to let our kids grown, fly and become the adults they want to be. Sure you are paying, so you set your guidelines and requirements for costs. But don't restrict your kid simply because you cant let go. It is their experience, let them find the one they want within the family budget

I think you're being prescriptive about other people's family dynamics and making assumptions based on very little information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And here's my kid applying to military academies.

?
What does that have to do with this topic? We don't know where you live--but if you live in the DC area there are 2 academies within driving distance.