Insisting that DC's college be within driving distance...reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people here didn't have kids in college for true emergencies.

When COVID first hit and we didn't understand it, some colleges gave a day or two of notice before shutting down dorms.

During disasters, you can't expect a college to find alternative accommodations for thousands of students.

If you have a ton of ready cash, you can throw money at these problems, of course.

In spring 2020, one of my kids was a 4 hr flight away. Dorm closed with two days notice. Amazingly, plane ticket was <$150 and a practically empty flight. The whole thing was a life lesson in handling a most unusual, unexpected situation. Many colleges made arrangements for students in certain situations to stay in the dorms (e.g., low income students and internationals) at that time. Students found a way to make do.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about the cost. A free ride to a midwest school would be cheaper w/ weekend commuting by plane than full freight GW would be. This is about OP wanting to keep a leash on her kid (visiting on a "regular" basis w/ their spouse AND other kid??). Not reasonable. DD will resent you if she doesn't get into a school she likes and thinks she would have gotten into Indiana/Wisc/SEC (which could also be true).

[Anonymous]

when parents shell out $30k-$80k per year for a kid's college education, they absolutely can dictate where a kid goes to college within reason.

Setting a 6 hour driving radius still allows hundreds of colleges as options. That is plenty to choose from.

I'm GenX and all of my friends' parents had stipulations on what they would pay or would not pay for, and that was way before college prices rose to their current inflated amounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when parents shell out $30k-$80k per year for a kid's college education, they absolutely can dictate where a kid goes to college within reason.

Setting a 6 hour driving radius still allows hundreds of colleges as options. That is plenty to choose from.

I'm GenX and all of my friends' parents had stipulations on what they would pay or would not pay for, and that was way before college prices rose to their current inflated amounts.

Within reason. Indeed, OP's question is whether the distance restriction is reasonable. (Cost is not a reason by itself, but as a small part of a much larger array of expenses which can vary so widely among schools that the difference in travel cost would be negated.)

Perhaps what you are saying is that the paying parent can attach whatever strings they like, as a practical matter, and that is true. That doesn't make the string reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people here didn't have kids in college for true emergencies.

When COVID first hit and we didn't understand it, some colleges gave a day or two of notice before shutting down dorms.

During disasters, you can't expect a college to find alternative accommodations for thousands of students.

If you have a ton of ready cash, you can throw money at these problems, of course.

Get that---had a kin 3K miles from home when covid hit. They came home for spring break with their backpack and tiny 22" carryon. They never returned until August. Luckily their roommate was eventually able to return and pack things up, trashed a lot of it and UPS'd the two 26" suitcases and a box for just under $400. At that point it was affordable because we were getting the rest of semester of R&B refunded. It was an emergency, and we dealt with it because we had to. But I don't regret for a moment sending my kid to their choice of schools so far away.
It also meant the next year they didn't come home except for xmas, as with covid it just made sense to stay on campus for shorter breaks. We dealt with it and kid was fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s fully reasonable. DCUM is not at all representative of most parents.

Agree. I truly wanted to hug my son's college counselor at his high school when we had our parent-student meeting. Out of the blue my son started entertaining schools in California -which for govt/international relations given what's offered in this area is ridiculous on its own. Counselor also has a rising Senior and right out of his mouth was that that is crazy and that the flight cost and inconvenience, etc. It was great for him to hear from a someone else. We told him --hey grad school or professional school you are free to do what you want.

But, nah, no Cali for undergrad.

Actually it's rather sad a HS counselor felt the need to interject their OPINION on this. Most kids are capable of being a 6 hour flight from home and will do just fine.

+1
That counselor was out of line.

Not at all. As parents, we loved that he was going over everything- including finances, location, size, type of campus. It is a private HS so more like a private counselor.

You loved it because you wanted some other adult to support your telling your kids to stay close to home. Had you wanted your kid to love your alma matter 2K miles away or any school that far away, you might think the counselor was out of line.
Sure you point out the realities, and our College counselor required our kid to apply to one true safety (80%+ acceptance rate) within 6 hour drive from home just in case circumstances change, or our kid gets cold feet about going away to school. So we did that, but had no intention of actually attending that school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s fully reasonable. DCUM is not at all representative of most parents.

Agree. I truly wanted to hug my son's college counselor at his high school when we had our parent-student meeting. Out of the blue my son started entertaining schools in California -which for govt/international relations given what's offered in this area is ridiculous on its own. Counselor also has a rising Senior and right out of his mouth was that that is crazy and that the flight cost and inconvenience, etc. It was great for him to hear from a someone else. We told him --hey grad school or professional school you are free to do what you want.

But, nah, no Cali for undergrad.

Actually it's rather sad a HS counselor felt the need to interject their OPINION on this. Most kids are capable of being a 6 hour flight from home and will do just fine.

+1
That counselor was out of line.

Not at all. As parents, we loved that he was going over everything- including finances, location, size, type of campus. It is a private HS so more like a private counselor.

You said the counselor called it "crazy." That's inappropriate. Private schools can get away with a lot of abuses.

+1000

The counselor should just point out what life might be like if you attend a school that far away---ie. more challenging to get home for a 3-4 day fall break. But calling it "crazy" is completely out of line.

[Anonymous]

A lot depends on the child.

First semester, friend drove a seven hour one-way distance on a biweekly -- even weekly -- basis to visit her daughter, who has pre-existing mental health issues. Things improved a lot second semester and mom was able to not go up quite so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be upfront. Give them a budget. Help them calculate the cost differences. But, don't use cost as an excuse for some other reason.

This is the correct answer. Let her know what you can overall afford and do calculations at all the schools she is interested in. Consider flight costs, tuition, assistance, all the factors and let her know she can choose within the budget.

And avoid all other considerations because they don't seem super legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Regarding the Tulane comment: You know what while a hurricane is approaching, the people who work at the colleges need to take care of their homes and kids, right? Or do you think they should sit at work?

For everyone: you need to talk to your kid about an emergency plan. Most won’t have a care freshman year, so they need to know what transportation options they have and move quickly. It’s a good life lesson for the future, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s fully reasonable. DCUM is not at all representative of most parents.

Agree. I truly wanted to hug my son's college counselor at his high school when we had our parent-student meeting. Out of the blue my son started entertaining schools in California -which for govt/international relations given what's offered in this area is ridiculous on its own. Counselor also has a rising Senior and right out of his mouth was that that is crazy and that the flight cost and inconvenience, etc. It was great for him to hear from a someone else. We told him --hey grad school or professional school you are free to do what you want.

But, nah, no Cali for undergrad.

Actually it's rather sad a HS counselor felt the need to interject their OPINION on this. Most kids are capable of being a 6 hour flight from home and will do just fine.

+1
That counselor was out of line.

Not at all. As parents, we loved that he was going over everything- including finances, location, size, type of campus. It is a private HS so more like a private counselor.

You said the counselor called it "crazy." That's inappropriate. Private schools can get away with a lot of abuses.

+1000

The counselor should just point out what life might be like if you attend a school that far away---ie. more challenging to get home for a 3-4 day fall break. But calling it "crazy" is completely out of line.

I clarified that he did not use that term. That was what I think. He said it much more eloquently and about the things to think about being so far—plane delays, cost of flying, reduced time to come home, expense if comparable program on this coast, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s fully reasonable. DCUM is not at all representative of most parents.

Agree. I truly wanted to hug my son's college counselor at his high school when we had our parent-student meeting. Out of the blue my son started entertaining schools in California -which for govt/international relations given what's offered in this area is ridiculous on its own. Counselor also has a rising Senior and right out of his mouth was that that is crazy and that the flight cost and inconvenience, etc. It was great for him to hear from a someone else. We told him --hey grad school or professional school you are free to do what you want.

But, nah, no Cali for undergrad.

Actually it's rather sad a HS counselor felt the need to interject their OPINION on this. Most kids are capable of being a 6 hour flight from home and will do just fine.

+1
That counselor was out of line.

Not at all. As parents, we loved that he was going over everything- including finances, location, size, type of campus. It is a private HS so more like a private counselor.

You loved it because you wanted some other adult to support your telling your kids to stay close to home. Had you wanted your kid to love your alma matter 2K miles away or any school that far away, you might think the counselor was out of line.
Sure you point out the realities, and our College counselor required our kid to apply to one true safety (80%+ acceptance rate) within 6 hour drive from home just in case circumstances change, or our kid gets cold feet about going away to school. So we did that, but had no intention of actually attending that school.

FFS, cancel culture—-he already had the parent and student questionnaire. He already knew our alma mater, desires, kid’s wishes regarding size, major, etc.

I can’t believe you are all attacking MY kid’s Hs college counselor.

But, then I remember DCUM hates teachers, administrators and especially school guidance/college counselors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really have no dog in this fight, but it's hilarious that people can't see the difference in paying tens of thousands for tuition that can be funded by loans and needing to pay cash for plane tickets.

You fly to school in August and fly home in Dec, back in Jan and home in May. 2 roundtrip tickets, maybe 3 if dorms close for spring break.
Or you find friends to stay with over spring break.
Purchase those tickets in advance to get discounts. We are not talking $10K. More likely only $2K max. It's more about the parent wanting control---the need to "get to them" and to "visit".

So, not Thanksgiving together.

Also, Xmas and summer are high traveling times, so airfare can be very expensive, especially to popular destinations like LAX.

Then you have to pay to ship everything over ever year, then back because you cannot leave your stuff in the dorms.

So you are looking at more than $2K + the hassle, delays, etc. Flying is much more cumbersome these days than driving.

DP. Students living far away from college typically never, ever ship things home for summers - shipping indeed is too expensive. They store them in storage units ($60/mo or less if shared) or friends' basements.

Flying can be cumbersome sometimes. It just depends. (Currently have 3 kids in college who fly to/from. The farther one sometimes has stayed at school for Thanksgiving and was not alone.) Buy plane tickets carefully and keep baggage fees (or not, Southwest) in mind when pricing. It's not impossible.

Larger airports like LAX are typically less expensive to fly in/out of.

Again, any additional travel cost should be added to the cost of attendance to be compared to OP's budget. Cost in and of itself is not a reason to limit distance, as indeed a farther college could easily end up cheaper than a closer one, with so many other variables in computing college costs.

+1 Nobody flies all their shit home each summer. You put it in storage for $95/summer. and find friends to help you transport it there, or use Uber or Zip car for 2-3 trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really have no dog in this fight, but it's hilarious that people can't see the difference in paying tens of thousands for tuition that can be funded by loans and needing to pay cash for plane tickets.

You fly to school in August and fly home in Dec, back in Jan and home in May. 2 roundtrip tickets, maybe 3 if dorms close for spring break.
Or you find friends to stay with over spring break.
Purchase those tickets in advance to get discounts. We are not talking $10K. More likely only $2K max. It's more about the parent wanting control---the need to "get to them" and to "visit".

So, not Thanksgiving together.

Also, Xmas and summer are high traveling times, so airfare can be very expensive, especially to popular destinations like LAX.

Then you have to pay to ship everything over ever year, then back because you cannot leave your stuff in the dorms.

So you are looking at more than $2K + the hassle, delays, etc. Flying is much more cumbersome these days than driving.

Well yes, your kid needs to be resilient enough to deal with potential weather delays and the issues associated with that. But it is amazing what they learn to deal with if you let them.

And plenty of kids do not go home over thanksgiving or shorter breaks. My kid is at a school with over 25% international students. Majority stay on campus during fall and thanksgiving break along with plenty of US based students who are too far/cannot afford to get home for such a short break (Thanksgiving starts at 2pm on Wed and classes restart on Monday at 8am). Not a big deal really.
However, if your kid must be home for every small break, then yes they may not be ready to go far away to school. But look long and hard and decide if it's them who isn't ready or the parent. Yes it's hard not seeing your kid's every break. It's even harder when they graduate and get a job that is not in same town as you---but I would never ever want to restrict them and make them think they must live near me---sure it would be nice, but I'd rather they find their own path in life and we can still be close even if we are not living 10 mins apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people here didn't have kids in college for true emergencies.

When COVID first hit and we didn't understand it, some colleges gave a day or two of notice before shutting down dorms.

During disasters, you can't expect a college to find alternative accommodations for thousands of students.

If you have a ton of ready cash, you can throw money at these problems, of course.

True but I don’t want to plan the rest of my life based on a once in a century pandemic. (this is unrelated to my answer to OP which would be: have a frank convo about finances with your child before they apply anywhere, let them apply anywhere so long as they clearly understand that you will beed to compare cost/aid packages when acceptances are in and so not to get her heart set on any college a flight away, or not to apply at all if she thinks that would be too hard. but I agree with the posters who said that your total cost to a midwest college including transporation may wind up to be less than a college a 2 hour drive away.)