How to talk to 14yo about waiting to have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why 14 year olds shouldn’t have boyfriends or girlfriends. Just say no, Mom. No dating until 16 or even 18.

It’s cute that you think that would actually prevent them from dating. At least this way she is keeping the communication channels open.

You actually can. You state the rules. You don’t allow your daughter to go to with a date to a dance. That simple.

No you can’t.

How does your child get to school?
Do you allow them to go for walks/runs/bike rides?
Are they allowed to go into stores alone?
Do they do extracurriculars?

What does this have to do with rules about dating? My child either takes the bus or I drive them. Lol.

You are an idiot. Plenty of kids either walk to school or take public transport. Those would all provide opportunity to a teenager who was so inclined.

So that’s what PP’s question has to do with dating. That your kid does something different (and you really think they couldn’t use time during or around the bus?) doesn’t mean everyone is in the same position.

Kids are not having sex on a bus or while walking to school.

It's almost like you were never a teenager. In the park, in a car, in the woods, under the bleachers, in the high school stairwell after extra curriculars, and especially at church youth group "lock ins" were where many of my friends had their firsts.

Gross, did you do this? At 14?? I never had sex in high school and I think that’s normal? Btw, a 14 year old girl having sex in the stairwell is horrific so please don’t normalize that. You would be heartbroken if that happened to your child.

So because *you* think it's normal that means it's normal???

My experience was normal. Haven’t you read data on teen sex. It is highly uncommon for 14 year olds to have sex. They WILL be talked about at school. It WILL be humiliating. It is NOT something I would be “open” about as a parent.

Is that true, or false? (or just your own personal opinion, PP).

Let’s check. Luckily, the schools track this, and compile scientific statistical evidence:

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/data/sites/data/files/assets/documents/youth%20survey/survey%20reports/2021_fairfax_8_12th_final.pdf


“ ranging from 2.4% of eighth‐grade students to 25.0% on of twelfth‐grade students. Male students were more likely to report having had sexual intercourse in their lifetime (12.3% compared to 11.4% of female students). ”


So, PP, if you look at 10th graders (roughly age 14) , 33% had had sex nationally (ie - in America).

Not exactly “highly uncommon.”

You are wrong.

But in local schools, it’s just 10%. A little closer to your “highly uncommon” opinion.


Table 80. Percentage of Students Who Have Had Sexual Intercourse in Their Lifetime, by Grade, Fairfax County and U.S., 2013, 2015, 2017, 2019 and 2021
2013 FCPS USa
10th 16.1 41.4
2015 FCPS USa
13.9 35.7
2017 2019 2021 FCPS USa FCPS USa
14.1 36.2 14.3 33.6
(Values are percentages)
FCPS USa
Grade
12th
38.1 64.1
34.9 58.1
34.7 57.3
Note. All percentages were calculated from valid cases (missing responses were not included).
aUS (national) data are from the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, which is conducted in odd‐numbered years only (CDC, n.d.; Kann et al., 2014, 2016, 2018). The national data are not available for 8th grade and are not comparable by gender or race/ethnicity.
‐‐ Youth Risk Behavior Survey data from the 2021 survey were not available at the time of this report.”


By the way, PP :

- in which country did you grow up?

Yeah...14 yr olds are in 8th grade, sometimes 9th. Majority of 8/9th graders are NOT having sex. Especially if they are from good families without mental problems. The only kids I knew having sex at 14 were troubled and/or had totally disengaged parents

[Anonymous]

The issue with this age range that people refuse to acknowledge is that kids in this age range can be as mature as someone 3 -4 years older to them and that someone 3-4 years older can be at the same mature level as someone 3-4 years younger.

Treat her like the person she is not as your definition of a 14 year. You will have more success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue with this age range that people refuse to acknowledge is that kids in this age range can be as mature as someone 3 -4 years older to them and that someone 3-4 years older can be at the same mature level as someone 3-4 years younger.

Treat her like the person she is not as your definition of a 14 year. You will have more success.

And how about the maturity of the 14 yr old boy she may have sex with? Sorry, but no. 14 yr old girls absolutely should not be having sex, no matter how mature they think they are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue with this age range that people refuse to acknowledge is that kids in this age range can be as mature as someone 3 -4 years older to them and that someone 3-4 years older can be at the same mature level as someone 3-4 years younger.

Treat her like the person she is not as your definition of a 14 year. You will have more success.

What? Oh god. You’re ok with your “mature” 14 year old having sex? Give me a break. I have seen enough in this thread to know that some parents are not sufficiently protecting their kids. I promise you nothing good will come from it. You have to know this in your heart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone think that it's normal or good for 14 year olds to have sex?

Nobody thinks that. Rather, you need to acknowledge that they might have sex anyway, and if they do, you don’t want them to get pregnant or get an STD.

This is a dumb argument.

Listen my kid has a friend whose parents are wishy washy about sex. They give their kid mixed messages, and she has plenty of opportunities to have sex with her boyfriend. They hang out in the bedroom with the door closed, and spend a lot of alone time together. I’m sure the mom is open about sex, pregnancy and BC. But so what??? Open line of communication means nothing when the door is shut.

I have an open line of communication with my kid, but there are no boys in my daughters bedroom. I think that’s a better model, but you do you….

[Anonymous]

There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

The states that teach abstinence-only sex education in schools have the highest teen pregnancy rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

Sure, teach your kid that, and also put them on BC (preferably an IUD), keep an open line of communication with them & educate them about STDs & pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

I’m sure this will go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to tell my DD that young sex is mostly what poor girls do, or girls without fathers, and she is too classy for that and needs to conduct herself in a way that she will not be embarrassed for herself later on or look like trash to potential husbands. It's very low class. That's what I will include in my speech.

Rich girls have plenty of sex, they just travel for abortions or “study abroad” when they get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

What is moral about waiting for marriage?

Why deny humans the best years of their sexuality?

Sure, emphasize being an adult, in a stable relationship, etc., but so misguided to push marriage so they can finally have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

Sure, teach your kid that, and also put them on BC (preferably an IUD), keep an open line of communication with them & educate them about STDs & pregnancy.

I think it’s weird to proactively have your 14 year old daughter get an iud in case she has sex. I think it sends the message that you’re okay with her not waiting until she’s older than 14. And I think it’s probably more likely that her boyfriend won’t use a condom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

Sure, teach your kid that, and also put them on BC (preferably an IUD), keep an open line of communication with them & educate them about STDs & pregnancy.

I think it’s weird to proactively have your 14 year old daughter get an iud in case she has sex. I think it sends the message that you’re okay with her not waiting until she’s older than 14. And I think it’s probably more likely that her boyfriend won’t use a condom.

It sends the message that you don’t want your 14 year old to end up pregnant, no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why 14 year olds shouldn’t have boyfriends or girlfriends. Just say no, Mom. No dating until 16 or even 18.

It’s cute that you think that would actually prevent them from dating. At least this way she is keeping the communication channels open.

You actually can. You state the rules. You don’t allow your daughter to go to with a date to a dance. That simple.

No you can’t.

How does your child get to school?
Do you allow them to go for walks/runs/bike rides?
Are they allowed to go into stores alone?
Do they do extracurriculars?

What does this have to do with rules about dating? My child either takes the bus or I drive them. Lol.

You are an idiot. Plenty of kids either walk to school or take public transport. Those would all provide opportunity to a teenager who was so inclined.

So that’s what PP’s question has to do with dating. That your kid does something different (and you really think they couldn’t use time during or around the bus?) doesn’t mean everyone is in the same position.

Kids are not having sex on a bus or while walking to school.

It's almost like you were never a teenager. In the park, in a car, in the woods, under the bleachers, in the high school stairwell after extra curriculars, and especially at church youth group "lock ins" were where many of my friends had their firsts.

Gross, did you do this? At 14?? I never had sex in high school and I think that’s normal? Btw, a 14 year old girl having sex in the stairwell is horrific so please don’t normalize that. You would be heartbroken if that happened to your child.

No, I didn't, but people I know did, more around 17-18 years old.
Two of my best friends were from very religious Catholic families who went to private all girls schools and they were the first girls to go all the way. Both at church camps.
Thankfully it's slightly less common in high school now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are families who teach waiting until marriage or at least until in a stable loving long term relationship as adults. Not high school. Those are absolutely morals. I was taught to wait. I also wasn’t given opportunities to date at 14. All of this helped.

Sure, teach your kid that, and also put them on BC (preferably an IUD), keep an open line of communication with them & educate them about STDs & pregnancy.

I think it’s weird to proactively have your 14 year old daughter get an iud in case she has sex. I think it sends the message that you’re okay with her not waiting until she’s older than 14. And I think it’s probably more likely that her boyfriend won’t use a condom.

+1 yep. I wouldn’t do that.