Would you pay 200K for a baby that isn't biologically yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling trio of children of a cousin of mine struggling with addiction - the children had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the children's' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.

You altruism is underwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Why not?

I paid 240K for a law degree I didn't really need. And I am about to pay 200k for an addition to an already beautiful 4 bedroom house.

I have family members who pay 100k for luxury cars.

And we are not rich.

200K for a baby I really want sounds much better compared to all of these costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what I would do. I would try not to judge.

+1 this is really mean spirited OP.

Yes, this.

MYOB OP.

I spent waaaaay more on all of my fertility treatments than I ever expected to, or would have wanted to. You don't go in thinking it will cost X huge number, it builds up over time. And does money matter more to you than people? Is your child only worth 100k but not 200k? Are adopted kids the bargain approach? Of course not.

[Anonymous]

Adoption isn't an option. And the majority of the babies that are placed for adoption have medical issues or FASD.

I'm saying this as someone whose sibling is adopted, but this was two decades ago. Teenagers back then weren't encouraged to keep their babies, especially if they wanted to go on to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling pair of a cousin of mine that had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the childrens' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.

I am so glad you are willing and able to support these children's kinship ties. I hope all works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

This isn't true as low income mom's can get all kinds of benefits. It's not often a temporary problem. And, not all adoption are via agencies.

What country and year do you live in? Not the US in 2023. Low income women do not automatically get housing, food, and and health care when they become pregnant. They don't get child care for existing children when they become pregnant. Direct support in the form of WIC is paltry. No one pays for birth, prenatal care, or medical care for the child. A mother doesn't even get paid maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not?

I paid 240K for a law degree I didn't really need. And I am about to pay 200k for an addition to an already beautiful 4 bedroom house.

I have family members who pay 100k for luxury cars.

And we are not rich.

200K for a baby I really want sounds much better compared to all of these costs.

You are extremely rich if you paid $240K for a degree, plus an expensive house, plus and addition.... oh my.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

This isn't true as low income mom's can get all kinds of benefits. It's not often a temporary problem. And, not all adoption are via agencies.

What country and year do you live in? Not the US in 2023. Low income women do not automatically get housing, food, and and health care when they become pregnant. They don't get child care for existing children when they become pregnant. Direct support in the form of WIC is paltry. No one pays for birth, prenatal care, or medical care for the child. A mother doesn't even get paid maternity leave.

Benefits haven't changed. Medicaid pays of low income births.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

This isn't true as low income mom's can get all kinds of benefits. It's not often a temporary problem. And, not all adoption are via agencies.

What country and year do you live in? Not the US in 2023. Low income women do not automatically get housing, food, and and health care when they become pregnant. They don't get child care for existing children when they become pregnant. Direct support in the form of WIC is paltry. No one pays for birth, prenatal care, or medical care for the child. A mother doesn't even get paid maternity leave.

Most importantly, she doesn't get free unbiased legal and psychological support prior to agreeing to an adoption. Most young mothers are "sold" on the idea that the baby won't cost her anything - the adoptive parents agree to pay for her support during the pregnancy, hospital bills AND all the legal paperwork. Plus, she gets to maintain contact with her child via the "open" adoption. Oh how easy ... she doesn't have to worry about a thing!!

Yeah, until a few years down the road when she is on her feet, more mature and realized she essentially gave away her baby to people WITH MORE MONEY THAN HER who wanted her child. Now those wonderful people really don't want her around anymore and the "open" adoption fine print kicks in which means, she has no legal right to ever see that child again. None.

[Anonymous]

Open adoption is not coparenting
Open adoptions do become closed
At some point the mother must move on and accept that the child is now part of another family and no longer yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to infertility and is riddled with human rights abuses.

+100

I hate that I don't respect adoptive parents anymore, but I don't.

Wow.

Glad my adopted child and I are the same race so that we don’t stand out to you as an adoptive family. You have NO idea why they were available for adoption. None. Feel free to take it up with their extended birth family on both sides who chose to not adopt.

I’m also an adoptee so feel free to disrespect that as well.

Adoption is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. An expectant mother may be very excited to be a mother, but only lack financial resources. Somehow, the only way for her to get the basic level of care an expectant mother really needs is for her to agree to put her future child up for adoption. The resources that an expectant mother temporarily gains access to from a prospective adoptive couple are NOT resources that someone should have to put their child up for adoption to get.

The expectant mother is often lied to by adoptive couples and adoption agencies about her rights, and adoptive couples are allowed to cut off contact with her after agreeing to openness in the adoption.

Truly disgusting that a woman should have to sell her child.

This isn't true as low income mom's can get all kinds of benefits. It's not often a temporary problem. And, not all adoption are via agencies.

What country and year do you live in? Not the US in 2023. Low income women do not automatically get housing, food, and and health care when they become pregnant. They don't get child care for existing children when they become pregnant. Direct support in the form of WIC is paltry. No one pays for birth, prenatal care, or medical care for the child. A mother doesn't even get paid maternity leave.

They actually do automatically get healthcare and food (if they apply for it). Housing is trickier but those two categories? Yes they're automatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling trio of children of a cousin of mine struggling with addiction - the children had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the children's' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.

You altruism is underwhelming.

Dp. Why would you say that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

We did 9 rounds - with a pregnancy loss with each one. It was very difficult but in the end we have 2 lovely boys.

Just recently added a foster child to the mix - since the entire time we were going through IVF treatment there was a sibling trio of children of a cousin of mine struggling with addiction - the children had gone into foster care/placement for adoption in that time. No one told us (in fact they hid it) because they didn't want the child(ren) moving out of state in order to stay with family. The grandparents had picked out "strangers" to be the children's' adoptive families.

I just found out about the 3rd child in time to intervene and he is now with us. Child # 4 is also on the way. Hoping to help the mom to get her life together and be able to keep the baby. She had asked us to adopt the baby that is with us now.

You altruism is underwhelming.

Dp. Why would you say that?

Another disturbed adoption post troll.

[Anonymous]

No, we decided we were not interested in high cost infertility interventions, whatever it was.

I was sad at first, and do grieve once in a while on holidays; in the long term, not spending that money was best for us, but we also don't have an extra 200k lying around.

[Anonymous]

I would not for a variety of reasons personal to my family, but I don’t think a baby born from donor eggs using a surrogate is any more her baby than one that is adopted or less than one she conceived and carried without intervention.

Seven. Seven rounds of IVF. My heart breaks reading that and I am sure the total was much more than $200k all in. But the toll on the body and psyche of anyone who goes through that is astronomical.

I think it’s important to set limits and then stick to them. For our first we decided we would not use donor sperm or eggs, that we would do 3 rounds of IVF or $100k and then we would stop and go to therapy before pursuing foster care or adoption. I did 2 surgeries, 3 IUIs, and 1 round of IVF.

For our 2nd, we had 7 embryos frozen. We knew we would be ok with an only child, so our limit was to use the embryos we had and then move on if we were not successful.

Reading IF message boards for years, I can totally understand how people get caught up in chasing a certain outcome at the expense of their physical and mental well being and their marriage/finances. I am thankful that we don’t have any lingering PTSD from our relatively easy IF journey. I can’t imagine what your friend and so many other posters have been through. I hope they have made the best decisions for their situation.

There is so much you cannot control OP. I get the impulse to blame or judge other choices, especially if you are early in your journey. You want to believe it will somehow be different for you. Figure out your limits and stick to them. That’s all you can do.