Would you pay 200K for a baby that isn't biologically yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

I disagree that healthy infant adoption is next to impossible. If you are in the healthcare field or work in a hospital, you or coworkers have a direct line to patients, and may learn of a pregnant mom who is considering adoption and can be screened for suitability. If there are no issues, all you have to do is make contact with the mom, draw up a private adoption agreement with your own attorney, and off you go with a newborn. I know a nurse who did this. Met mom just a week prior to delivery, took baby home a few days after birth. Perfectly healthy baby.

This is unbelievably unethical.

I agree. But it is not illegal so it happens more than you think.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not her friend.
I hope your friend wises up to who you are and drops you.
This take has nothing to do with adoption or surrogacy or money, by the way, it’s about what is and isn’t friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with biological children and an adopted child I don’t think people really realize how difficult it is to get an infant who hasn’t been exposed to drugs. It’s basically impossible. I know many adoptive moms (myself even at one time) who keep this VERY private and never talk about their child’s NICU time related to withdrawal and all that. We were very lucky to dodge any special needs but I was willing to take that on as I was already a special needs mom from my bio kids. But I think it’s worth “something” to pay to carry the baby because you KNOW for certain that baby won’t come out and struggle. It’s really heartbreaking to watch infants withdrawal. So ya I think it’s worth 200k.

I disagree that healthy infant adoption is next to impossible. If you are in the healthcare field or work in a hospital, you or coworkers have a direct line to patients, and may learn of a pregnant mom who is considering adoption and can be screened for suitability. If there are no issues, all you have to do is make contact with the mom, draw up a private adoption agreement with your own attorney, and off you go with a newborn. I know a nurse who did this. Met mom just a week prior to delivery, took baby home a few days after birth. Perfectly healthy baby.

This is unbelievably unethical.

Also incredibly naive thinking "perfectly healthy babies" cannot have issues arise (that weren't diagnsosed at birth) a few weeks/months/years after birth.

[Anonymous]

Damn OP, l hope your “friend” doesn’t read DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anybody who spent $200k probably got multiple false hope pregnancies with losses that strung out over the years with multiple egg retrials, testings, clinic changes, procedures etc before they finally threw in the towel for the egg donor/surrogate. Virtually nobody plans on spending $200k

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but I've never had to make this choice. Adopting is just as expensive - or so I thought.

Adoption is definitely more expensive than 1 round of IVF but by the time to get to over 10 plus a surrogate it's definitely cheaper.

It depends. A slightly older child under state care does not cost as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but I've never had to make this choice. Adopting is just as expensive - or so I thought.

Adoption is definitely more expensive than 1 round of IVF but by the time to get to over 10 plus a surrogate it's definitely cheaper.

It depends. A slightly older child under state care does not cost as much.

Until you have to do all the therapies plus counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

Adoption isn’t the same at all. Potential for kid to have trauma from separation, drug/alcohol exposure during pregnancy, and issues with birth family.

Every newborn taken from her mother is traumatized, even if the separation results in a better situation. It’s baffling that this isn’t common sense.

This is absolutely untrue. Healthy attachment is vital to a child's lifelong well-being. You seem to understand this. As long as a caregiver (whomever!) is responsive to the child, it's psychosocial needs will be met. There is one particular study (and I'm trying to remember the scholar's name...Ainsworth?) that delves into this issue and how even communal parenting can facilitate strong bonds and healthy development. You are patently wrong, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

1) Just stop. If you're real (vs acting as a troll) than you're clearly not a friend or the wrong person for your friend to talk to. So either way just stop.

2) There are biological markers that get turned on (or off) for the embryo during gestation that vary depending upon the mother caring the child that creates a biological connection even with a donor egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

You sound ultra-jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Not trying to change your mind, but I think if you are carrying the baby it's different. Even if it's not your egg, it's your blood in the baby's veins, your body grew the placenta that is keeping the baby alive, you are deciding which genes to turn on and off. The baby will know your heartbeat. I don't know, it would feel like my baby even biologically b/c I would have created it starting at the embryo phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not paying for human, so please don't phrase it that way.

You can pay for the SERVICES of professionals that help you on your path to becoming parents (i.e. social workers, physicians). But you are NOT buying a baby. OP's wording is extremely offensive. It would be regardless of how the couple is making parenthood possible.

If you buy sperm, buy a donor egg, and buy a surrogate, how is that not buying a baby? You have not contributed a single component other than money. That's what is offensive.

I would never tell anyone this IRL but privately I think it's Orwellian and worry about how the child will feel about this when grown. Like a science experiment? Select an egg donor from menu A, and a sperm donor from menu B based on "desirable" traits... I am uncertain about the ethics...There's also such a power imbalance between the young women who are egg "donors" (which carriers risk, sometimes not immediately apparent) and those who buy their eggs...it can be exploitative.. I know that some people are desperate to become parents and do become loving parents, but when does it become an act of selfishness? Should this industry be better regulated? I am sorry if this makes any parents who have engaged in this practice feel defensive but am thinking about the children...would never say this to anyone I know.

I agree with this also. We can no longer just trust life, nature, existence. Money and man's will must determine everything...

I looked into surrogacy and it is extremely unregulated. Selling your eggs or renting your womb is technically illegal. That's why it's offered under the term 'donating' but you receive a $ gift for that donation. Since it is an anonymous 'donation', the women are not tracked for health outcomes down the line. And therefore these health outcomes are not understood (including many accounts of horrible illness and early death). And of course most 'donors' are poor so who cares right? It's a big scheme for the fertility clinics.

Do so many women in other cultures experience infertility? Only when we stay away from our connection to the natural world. Just my opinion obviously.

Not judging individuals just reflecting on our society.

[Anonymous]

We love our surrogate. She gave us our first child and is now carrying our twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

Adoption isn’t the same at all. Potential for kid to have trauma from separation, drug/alcohol exposure during pregnancy, and issues with birth family.

Every newborn taken from her mother is traumatized, even if the separation results in a better situation. It’s baffling that this isn’t common sense.

This is absolutely untrue. Healthy attachment is vital to a child's lifelong well-being. You seem to understand this. As long as a caregiver (whomever!) is responsive to the child, it's psychosocial needs will be met. There is one particular study (and I'm trying to remember the scholar's name...Ainsworth?) that delves into this issue and how even communal parenting can facilitate strong bonds and healthy development. You are patently wrong, PP.

No, it's not true. Some have adoption issues, some don't. Mine do not. Some of it is kids have issues due to maternal drug/alcohol use or bio family mental health/genetics.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We paid close to that. Donor eggs. Adoption seemed like a long path and almost impossible at 42.

I also got to carry my child / breast feed. She is amazing.