Would you pay 200K for a baby that isn't biologically yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Over 10 rounds...

[Anonymous]

We did and we have no regrets.
Donor egg, donor sperm and surrogate at the end of a very long and painful IVF journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this not so nicely, OP. You are an ugly person and you may need to stop and think why the universe isn’t allowing you to produce a child. You are not happy for her. You are jealous. Maybe they can spend that money easily and you are struggling to afford one round. Maybe your husband thinks it’s not worth it to spend that much money on someone so broken as you, inside and out. Let that family be.

Lol says someone that wishes awful things on others! Fwiw I do have children not that it's your business...

[Anonymous]

I am your friend. After eight years of OE IVF that was not successful, we did DE IVF. We eventually had 3 children with DE. I wish we had moved to DE earlier but the fertility doctors always think they can crack the problem on the next round, especially if you are young, and insurance covers OE IVF but not DE, so it’s easy to get caught on the treadmill. We definitely spent more than 200K in total.

We did look into adoption but realized it would be just as expensive as DE IVF and had lower odds of success.

I am not at all bothered that my kids are not genetically related to me. They all know that they aren’t and it isn’t a big deal to them. The oldest is a teen and the other two are tweens, so they do fully understand. We have a really happy family and we got to parent children, which is really all we ever wanted. I have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did and we have no regrets.
Donor egg, donor sperm and surrogate at the end of a very long and painful IVF journey.

Are you the woman? Did you have any hesitation over the idea that it's only biologically yours husbands child?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, and if I WEREN’T a horrible person, I would feel happy for my friend that she’s finally getting to be a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

You never know what you get with any child, including those biologically related to you. But in the DE situation you have full control over the prenatal environment which is a pretty big benefit over adoption in my view.

Wishing both you and OP good luck with IVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this not so nicely, OP. You are an ugly person and you may need to stop and think why the universe isn’t allowing you to produce a child. You are not happy for her. You are jealous. Maybe they can spend that money easily and you are struggling to afford one round. Maybe your husband thinks it’s not worth it to spend that much money on someone so broken as you, inside and out. Let that family be.

Wow - since OP is going through IVF herself of course she is responding to what those around her are doing and testing her decisions. If she told her friend all of this that is one thing, but putting it on an anonymous board does not make her an ugly person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am your friend. After eight years of OE IVF that was not successful, we did DE IVF. We eventually had 3 children with DE. I wish we had moved to DE earlier but the fertility doctors always think they can crack the problem on the next round, especially if you are young, and insurance covers OE IVF but not DE, so it’s easy to get caught on the treadmill. We definitely spent more than 200K in total.

We did look into adoption but realized it would be just as expensive as DE IVF and had lower odds of success.

I am not at all bothered that my kids are not genetically related to me. They all know that they aren’t and it isn’t a big deal to them. The oldest is a teen and the other two are tweens, so they do fully understand. We have a really happy family and we got to parent children, which is really all we ever wanted. I have no regrets.

It seems somewhat reasonable for 200K for 3 but just for one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did and we have no regrets.
Donor egg, donor sperm and surrogate at the end of a very long and painful IVF journey.

Are you the woman? Did you have any hesitation over the idea that it's only biologically yours husbands child?

We used donor egg and donor sperm, so it’s neither my husband’s nor my biological child. I didn’t believe it when everyone told us it wouldn’t matter once our child was actually born, but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

You never know what you get with any child, including those biologically related to you. But in the DE situation you have full control over the prenatal environment which is a pretty big benefit over adoption in my view.

Wishing both you and OP good luck with IVF.

That is true but if mental illness is pretty rampant in the family there is that risk. Also, most people aren't donating their eggs because they are in a financially secure position, they are doing this for money which could indicate some chaos in the family. Agree that its ideal not have to deal with a child whose mom was heavily addicted to drugs or alcohol from the get go, but question why you're making the decision for DE your husband's sperm with some rando deserves a shot at life more than a child who already exists. Of course everyone has to do what is right for them and I am in no way advocating that DE should be taken away, just saying that people who do not want to do it have a valid argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did and we have no regrets.
Donor egg, donor sperm and surrogate at the end of a very long and painful IVF journey.

Are you the woman? Did you have any hesitation over the idea that it's only biologically yours husbands child?

We used donor egg and donor sperm, so it’s neither my husband’s nor my biological child. I didn’t believe it when everyone told us it wouldn’t matter once our child was actually born, but it’s true.

I do believe that's true. Did you explore adoption and was there a reason you decided against it vs surrogate?

[Anonymous]

You are an a**hole, OP.

[Anonymous]

No, I believe human trafficking should be illegal. Including when gay men do it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t because I don’t have $200K to spend on having children. I have done five rounds of IUI (and been lucky enough to have two kids out of them) but my hard line was 6 rounds of IUI per pregnancy effort and then I was going to get a home study for fostering. But my resources are finite and I am not super attached to being a biological parent. I went with IUIs/donor sperm first because I would have had to move to a bigger apartment to foster/adopt and didn’t want to spend the money while I was waiting possibly years.

Every person and family’s resources and emotional response to their biological/physical relationship to their children is personal. I’m happy for your friend, OP, and I hope your IVF is successful.